Ten necessary improvements for London

[Barry the Sprout]

These actually come from a magazine a friend of mine produces called "Not Cheap". It is less a magazine than a collection of photocopied sheets of paper distributed amongst his acquantainces. But I thought this wa funny enough to share, so I decided to do so:

1. Making the Telecom tower spikier. It's far too short and squat to be a proper spiky thing. The Great Spiky Thing Leap Forward (c 1965) - bringing intercontinental telecommunications and much pointiness to the world's metropolises - was rendered useless by the invention of satellite communications. We must celebrate their redundancy. (Tying a big pink bow around it might also help.)

2. Centre Point to be painted with compass directions. This will facilitate its already popular function as a universal lost-avoider for central London.

3. Levelling Bloomsbury and turning it into a giant car park with pointless concrete lumps for the use of skateboarders.
Nobody else allowed in.

4. More tunnels. Sufficient tunnels so as to cause subsudence to be a major concern and make houses more excitingly "leany".

5. Trams across the river enabling drug-peddlers to besmirch the environs of Hampstead and probide a further amusing distraction to London's pedestrians. Trams to be mounted with cow-catchers.

6. Less flatness. Artificial hills to be constructed across major thouroughfares, with tunnels just wide enough for bicycles to pass through.

7. A one-mile high tower to be placed in the geographical centre of London (the Aldwych) with a giant clockface at its peak visible from the M25. The tower can also be used to display calming messages to the populace at times of national perturbation.

8. All cars found at any time on Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, London Wall, and Kingsway to be torched by armed gangs.

9. Hoxton to be put to fire and the sword. Its smouldering remains to be reclaimed by London's indigenous wildlife and turned into a giant post-apocalyptic style wasteland, which would ******* rock.

10. All gable walls to be painted by paramilitary graffiti artists.

(11. Not privitising the tube, perchance.)

[Neb]

quote:

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Originally posted by Barry the Sprout:
3. Levelling Bloomsbury and turning it into a giant car park with pointless concrete lumps for the use of skateboarders.
Nobody else allowed in.

8. All cars found at any time on Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, London Wall, and Kingsway to be torched by armed gangs.

9. Hoxton to be put to fire and the sword. Its smouldering remains to be reclaimed by London's indigenous wildlife and turned into a giant post-apocalyptic style wasteland, which would ******* rock.

10. All gable walls to be painted by paramilitary graffiti artists.

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You know, I'm sure that these four improvements alone would make London a MUCH cooler place to live [img]tongue.gif[/img]

(EDIT: I need to learn how to count [img]tongue.gif[/img] )

[ 02-15-2002: Message edited by: Neb ]

[jabidas]

Thats sort of funny but honestly I have to nod my head vaguely for some of it because I dont know London that well.

[Barry the Sprout]

I think you need knowledge of London to be able to get the joke in numbers 2, 7, 8 and possibly 1. But mostly they are just stupid. That is the joy of the magazine in question. It also included the following:

Our COWARDLY TREACHEROUS government is giving us just TWO DAYS to celebrate our glorious monarch's glorious fifty years of HAPPY-GLORIOSNESS. Our hearts do burst with celebratings so THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Not Cheap proposes establishing PATRIOTIC VIGILANCE SQUADS to enforce a WEEK OF NATIONAL HURRAH. These will dress themselves as BRITISH LIONS and shame unpatriotic bosses into allowing their STOUT-HEARTED WERKERS time off to better exalt our QUEEN AND SOVRIN.

We SHALL NOT WORK on Wensdy, Thursdy and Friddy MA'AM, the better to announce with LOUD VOICE and WAVING FLAG and HUMBLE SUBJECTINGS. Ma'am of all the stars in heaven YOU ARE THE BRITEIST. Jacobins and their KNAVISH TRIKS will not bISMURCH you. NO POEP HERE!

Volunnters are ERGENTLY REQUESTED to join with LIKE-MINDED PATRIORTS and CLOS THE WERKPLACES. GLORRY BE! BRITNEY RULS THE WAVS! DOG SAV THE QUEN!

(All spelling mistakes and capital letters are intentional I assume)

[Epona]

quote:

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Originally posted by Barry the Sprout:
9. Hoxton to be put to fire and the sword. Its smouldering remains to be reclaimed by London's indigenous wildlife and turned into a giant post-apocalyptic style wasteland, which would ******* rock.

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Er... that sounds pretty much like Hoxton already (apart from the wildlife bit). Barry, any chance this one could wait until *after* I sell my flat?

[Barry the Sprout]

Notice the: "which would ******* rock!", bit Epona. House prices will soar once the actions have been carried out. I recommend paying someone to do this now, it will be well worth it in the long run - trust me.

[Epona]

quote:

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Originally posted by Barry the Sprout:
Notice the: "which would ******* rock!", bit Epona. House prices will soar once the actions have been carried out. I recommend paying someone to do this now, it will be well worth it in the long run - trust me.

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House prices have soared already - Hoxton is now the trendy centre of the universe! My flat is on the market for 4 times what I paid for it 6 years ago. I couldn't afford to move into the area now that all the artists and pop stars live here...

[Cerise]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Barry the Sprout:
[QB]These actually come from a magazine a friend of mine produces called "Not Cheap". It is less a magazine than a collection of photocopied sheets of paper distributed amongst his acquantainces. But I thought this wa funny enough to share, so I decided to do so:


Hummmm ... personally I think its the tourists that trash the place, but i suppose we would have no pockets to pick and idots to rip off without em *grins* ......

[Barry the Sprout]

quote:

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Originally posted by Cerise:
Hummmm ... personally I think its the tourists that trash the place, but i suppose we would have no pockets to pick and idots to rip off without em *grins* ......[/QB]

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There's always idiots. You just need to know where to look for them. And London is a pretty good place to start to be honest with you...

Epona - slightly off silly topic, I have to find a house next year for me and some mates. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrghhhhhhh!!!!! Help!

Zone 2 for less than £500 per week... why me?