11-24-2000, 06:10 PM | #1 |
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Your Horoscope For Today
======================== by Weird Al Aquarius! There's travel in your future When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life By playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day Pisces! Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos With the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance No matter what those idiots at work say Aries! The look on your face will be priceless When you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf And give a hickey to Meryl Streep Taurus! You will never find true happiness What you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today Gemini! Your birthday party will be ruined Once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble When your finacee hurks a javelin through your chest Cancer! The position of Jupiter says that you should Spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose While taking your drivers test Leo! Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt And staple it to your bosses face (Oh no!) Eat a bucket of tuna flavoured pudding And wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quick Virgo! All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent Except for you! Expect a big surprise today When you end up with your head impaled upon a stick That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today Now you may find it inconceivable Or at the very least a bit unlikely That the relative positions of the planets And the stars could have a special, deep significance Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you But let me give you my assurance That these forcasts and predictions Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence So you would have to be some kinda moron Not to realise that every single one of them Is absolutely true, where was I? Libra! A big promotion is just around the corner For someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine Remember that when your appendix bursts next week Scorpio! Get ready for an unexpected trip When you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem You stupid freak Sagittarius! All your friends are laughing behind your back Kill them! Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Morgan You got hanging in your den Capricorn! Your stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person But you know they're lying If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's your horoscope for today Ah, I love this guy. That probably says something about my mental state, doesn't it? hehe |
11-24-2000, 06:25 PM | #2 |
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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single mornin It wa driving me crazy I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head" I believe it went a little something like this . . . Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming) I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated weiner dog And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face" That's when I knew it was true love We were inseperable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Woah, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw" So I did And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is I hate sauerkraut That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandry Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque I said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "querque" (querque) Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque (belch) * note from Freud... if I ever meet a girl that can recite this from memory, I will probably marry her on the spot, no questions asked. ROCK! |
11-24-2000, 08:34 PM | #3 |
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"And another gets on the bus!"
Wyv |
11-24-2000, 08:35 PM | #4 |
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hey there Wyv! I Knew there was another weird al fan here
how are you? good turkey day? |
11-24-2000, 09:14 PM | #5 |
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I'll be the first to admit, we took this land from the Indians.
But gosh darn it, what were they doing with it anyway? running around, shooting off bows and arrows and using seashells for money! --(paraphrased excerpt from one of my favorite movies... does anyone know the name of it.. hmmm? brownie points....?) |
11-24-2000, 09:40 PM | #6 |
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I know you are online but don't know the name of that song.
BUT Do you know any songs by Al Sherman?? Wyv |
11-24-2000, 09:55 PM | #7 |
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Al Sherman.. didn't he have something to do with Perry Como back in the 30's or 40's? Probably no close relation to weird al hehehe
Check for 3519366 (ICQ) that's my number on there! |
11-24-2000, 10:36 PM | #8 |
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Al Sherman - best known for Camp Granada which is hardly his best piece. He did a lot of great songs. I believe he's one of Weird Al's heros!
Wyv |
11-24-2000, 11:01 PM | #9 |
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Oh wait! I do have that one..from the Dr. Demento album!
"all the counselors.. hate the waiters.. and the lake has.. alligators.. " that one? |
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