LOL

[250]

Top 20 AOL Member Questions
On the Internet, the list of Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) is a time-honored institution. But this is AOL and we know that our members couldn't read "Dick and Jane" without some major remedial help. Out of the 30,000,000 people we gouge every month for twenty-five bucks, there might be eight of them who would be able to read and comprehend what FAQ even means without resorting to Beavis and Butthead. ("Hey, Beavis, FAQ me, heh heh, heh heh.") Those eight would have no need for this FAQ, so we present it as an example of the living hell our 17 year old support techs go through as they spend their days charging our members' credit cards for access to LustyLesbians.com.


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Where are the underage girls?
brtny RULZ, BITCH!
My friend said I was a "■■■■■■■ moron" and I'd fit right in here. Is this true?
How do I find out what my name is? No, not my screen name -- my name.
I get an error that says, "Your credit card is stolen and the police are on their way." How long do I have?
I'm 12 but my asshole step-mother has blocked me from www.pussygalore.com. How can I have her whacked?
How do I get ahold of Maurice? We had cyber-sex and now I have a virus.
If I establish a TCP/IP connection independent of AOL's built in configuration, will this affect the packet flow and frame relay rate?
I know you say you'll never divulge my password, but can't you make an exception because I'm special?
I heard Steve Case is going to be in the next "Indiana Jones Movie" because he owns Warner Bros.
Why would a MIME put his files on my computer? Will I be able to hear anything?
I keep getting an error that says, "You're can't use a toaster to connect to the Internet."
I can't find a reverse switch on the computer so how do I back up my files?
Since I'm using AOL in Canada, shouldn't it be COL? Or is Canada the 51st state?
Can you tell me how to download the Internet for my school project?
I'm having trouble loading the AOL CD onto my Atari 2600.
Which do I have to use: Landscape Navigator or Microsoft Exploder?
I'm not getting any email though I've written President Bush 835,242 times! What is wrong?
I click on a little doohickey but the thingamajig doesn't copulate correctly and it's an incontinence!
I've read everything here, but is there a list of most frequently asked questions?


Where are the underage girls?
There are no underage girls on AOL. If you happen across someone who says she's 15 and a virgin, odds are it's your Uncle Lester in Kansas City who stole a credit card and is avoiding the law in seven states.


brtny RULZ, BITCH!

Mr. Case, thank you again, sir, for checking in. Yes, sir, we're all quite pleased you were able to get a link from Pepsi's site to AOL. There's a Mr. B. Dole in the lobby who's, quote, "ready to kick your ass for thinking about his woman", unquote.


My friend said I was a "■■■■■■■ moron" and I'd fit right in here. Is this true?

Sorry, you didn't misspell a single word in your question. Thus, you are overqualified to become an AOL member. We have billed your credit card and will continue to do so. Yes, if you allow us to continue to do that, this does make you a ■■■■■■■ moron. Butcher the English language a little more in your next correspondence and we'll reconsider your application.


How do I find out what my name is? No, not my screen name -- my name.

While it sounds trite, the answer is, "Yer mama."


I get an error that says, "Your credit card is stolen and the police are on their way." How long do I have?

Long enough, probably. When the police contacted us in response to a stolen credit card, we checked the credit card account. We discovered there was still over $2000 left on the credit limit, so we diverted the police to someone who had already reached their limiit. Let this be a lesson: when your limit draws near, steal another credit card and let us know what the number is.


I'm 12 but my asshole step-mother has blocked me from www.pussygalore.com. How can I have her whacked?

If you head to www.whackstepmom.com you'll find an assortment of tools and devices to make Dad pick out yet another plot in Shady Lawn Eternal Rest. We're especially enamored with the "Cinderella" line of torture devices.


How do I get ahold of Maurice? We had cyber-sex and now I have a virus.

Uhhhh, Maurice did you say? I don't know any Maurice, but I'm betting that if I did know Maurice, he's the kind of guy who'd use protection and wouldn't have done the cyber-nasty with an ugly-cyber-ho like you anyway!


If I establish a TCP/IP connection independent of AOL's built in configuration, will this affect the packet flow and frame relay rate?

Well lookie here, it's Mr. Einstein! Sooo, Mr. Eniac, Mr. Cray, Mr. Turring -- throwing around those stupid words that don't mean anything again. Why don't you pick up your pocket calculator and go over to MSN.COM -- those guys like to make up words that don't mean shit, either. Na na na na NAH!


I know you say you'll never divulge my password, but can't you make an exception because I'm special?

Send us a picture of your last Special Olympics competition. Make sure to wipe the drool off the picture before hand. Enclose $250 cash and, while you're at it, a new credit card would be nice. Then, write us back to make sure we got it all. Then we'll tell you what it is. Really. Honest we will.


I heard Steve Case is going to be in the next "Indiana Jones Movie" because he owns Warner Bros.

True. Harrison Ford is sitting right here next to me doing phone-support because Steve told him to. Steve Case has also bought The Vatican and will be the next Pope.


Why would a MIME put his files on my computer? Will I be able to hear anything?

You're a little confused. MIME is an acronym which means "My Idiot Mother, Edith." It's in honor of our first AOL subscriber, Edith Bunker. (It's also why all of the font symbols are called "dingbats.") Gloria Stivek was in a chat room trying to feed some hungry black kids in a desert in Africa when some hot guy came into the room ready to lay down some bucks for those kids and make up for all those years she spent with a polack named Meathead. Edith, though, was in the chat room trying to discuss the best blueberry pie recipe. The hot guy IM'd Gloria with "Who's that?" and Gloria replied, "MIME."


I keep getting an error that says, "You're can't use a toaster to connect to the Internet."

Try your vacuum cleaner. It sucks as much as AOL.


I can't find a reverse switch on the computer so how do I back up my files?

You only have to worry about backing up the really important files, like your credit card numbers and bank account numbers. If you send those to us, we'll back 'em up for you. While you're at it, if you've got a really hot wife, why not send us your schedule as to when you're not going to be around?


Since I'm using AOL in Canada, shouldn't it be COL? Or is Canada the 51st state?

Canada is now the 52nd state. Australia was the 51st. And they were damned proud to get assimilated, too, let me tell you. AOL has launched a program to get those Aussies to speak properly now. No more of this "put a shrimp on the barbie" and "G'Day, Mate," crap any more. If they can't learn to say, "Fuhgedaboutit" and "Suck my big-ass hogleg" then we're closing the island and moving them all to New Zealand.


Can you tell me how to download the Internet for my school project?

Follow these instructions to the letter. Get someone to record this on videotape for review, training, and diagnostic purposes. Send us the tape.

Turn your left hand upside down (palm up.)

Using your left middle finger (the bird) press and hold the right control key.

Using your left index finger (the pointer) press and hold the ALT key.

Use your left little toe to GENTLY press the delete button.

If you pressed the delete button gently enough, the Internet will be automaticaly downloaded to a floppy disk.

Oh, shit, did we tell you to put in a floppy disk? Damn, we're sorry as hell about that. Ok, look, from here, go buy another computer and then we'll try this again.


I'm having trouble loading the AOL CD onto my Atari 2600.

You need to obtain AOL 7.0A available on an Atari cassette. Use your joystick anyway you like that brings you the most pleasure.


Which do I have to use: Landscape Navigator or Microsoft Exploder?

It's Landscape Exploder. How do you expect to get technical help if you don't even know the proper names for things?


I'm not getting any email though I've written President Bush 835,242 times! What is wrong?

If you check your User Agreement that you signed, you'll find that we do not guarantee your mail will be delivered after you press the send button. We also don't guarantee that we'll deliver any mail to your email address. We absolutely, positively guarantee you that we care about it, though.


I click on a little doohickey but the thingamajig doesn't copulate correctly and it's an incontinence!

Don't do that again. Or Guido will be around to bada-bing your face.


I've read everything here, but is there a list of most frequently asked questions?

No.



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This is a joke, for Chrissakes. If you took offense to it, then lighten up, for crying out loud. Get your panties out of a wad and click on the graphic at the top of the page to get to the rest of the site.

Settle down, Beavis

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The last arrow of Legolas kindled in the air as it flew,
and plunged burning into the heart of a great wolf-chieftain.
All the others fled. -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

<font size="2">This picture has nothing to do with the other part of my sig. It's just cool</font>

[Neb]

Bumping this in order to bring some entertainment to IW.

[Davros]

Hey 250,

G'day mate , whoops, puts on best Nu Joisey accent and says Howyuuudoin? Cool thread...., now can you please explain about the Landscape Exploder again - see Ive got the 10.12 version..........

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Ironworks Revolutionary Splitter wannabe
Founding Member, and General Demands Adviser of the O.R.T.

[Ace Flashheart]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *calms down*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I'm sorry but "It's funny because it's true"

[250]

Originally posted by Davros: Hey 250, G'day mate , whoops, puts on best Nu Joisey accent and says Howyuuudoin? Cool thread...., now can you please explain about the Landscape Exploder again - see Ive got the 10.12 version..........

G'day to you too, mate...

[waverider]

is this importent ?

or else i wont read it(or funny than ill read it )

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Platinum Wizard of ALSB
Wizard at The Court of Lady Lioness
Protector of All Whats good