A good laugh with Monty Python and his Holy Grail

Nanobyte · 11-08-2002, 10:06 PM

Found these online. Only a few of the massive collection

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.

King Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

* * *

King Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

* * *

Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because
some watery tart threw a sword at you!

* * *

Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

[The King gestures to the window.]
King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu--
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know!
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear...is he all right?

Lord Lothar · 11-08-2002, 10:15 PM

Ah yes, a classic movie. THe holy hand grenade of Antioch always cracks me up.

SomeGuy · 11-08-2002, 10:18 PM

lol I remember when i first saw that movie had me in stitches!

Lord of Alcohol · 11-08-2002, 10:56 PM

I love that movie! I really need to get that on dvd!

The Ornery One · 11-08-2002, 11:03 PM

You left out the part where Sir (Gawain?) was in the tower with all the maidens that were trying to take his *ahem* virtue. I can't ellaborate on their suggestions for him to punish them because of the number of minors that might read.
Very funny movie! Have you seen "The Life of Brian"? Also very funny!

Nanobyte · 11-08-2002, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by The Ornery One:
You left out the part where Sir (Gawain?) was in the tower with all the maidens that were trying to take his *ahem* virtue. I can't ellaborate on their suggestions for him to punish them because of the number of minors that might read.
Very funny movie! Have you seen "The Life of Brian"? Also very funny!

There was a reason I left that one out..

That and the one concerning how the peasant realized King Arthur was a noble and not a peasant..

CrimsonKing · 11-09-2002, 06:32 AM

Classic movie!
"And you must cut down the biggest tree in the forest with a herring!"

Ni!

skywalker · 11-09-2002, 08:57 AM

If you have not seen this yet...check out this lego movie!

http://www.lego.com/eng/studios/scre...id=montypython

Mark

skywalker · 11-09-2002, 09:00 AM

Scene 3: Repression is Nine Tenths of the Law?

[thud]

[King Arthur music]

[thud thud thud]

[King Arthur music stops]

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I-- what?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR: Well, I am King!

DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

ARTHUR: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one lives there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR: What?

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...

ARTHUR: Yes.

DENNIS: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...

[angels sing]

...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you? Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

One of my favorite scenes! [img]smile.gif[/img]

Mark

Kaltia · 11-09-2002, 09:03 AM

Life of Brian was better, i thought

Nethertheless MP+ and the Holy Grail cracked me up [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Judean people's front! The people's front of Judea! (heh...the gladiator in the ring...)
Welease Wodger!

11-08-2002, 10:15 PM	#2
Lord Lothar Quintesson Join Date: August 7, 2002 Location: Oakville (next to the T.O.), Ontario, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 1,097	Ah yes, a classic movie. THe holy hand grenade of Antioch always cracks me up. __________________ \"King Kong ain\'t got NOTHING on me!\"

11-08-2002, 10:18 PM	#3
SomeGuy Unicorn Join Date: May 14, 2002 Location: Oklahoma, USA Age: 33 Posts: 4,238	lol I remember when i first saw that movie had me in stitches! __________________ \"I firmly believe that any man\'s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.\"<br />-Vince Lombardi

11-08-2002, 10:56 PM	#4
Lord of Alcohol Xanathar Thieves Guild Join Date: January 8, 2001 Location: Charlotte,NC Age: 60 Posts: 4,570	I love that movie! I really need to get that on dvd! __________________ No

11-08-2002, 11:03 PM	#5
The Ornery One Drow Warrior Join Date: May 17, 2002 Location: S. IL Age: 48 Posts: 269	You left out the part where Sir (Gawain?) was in the tower with all the maidens that were trying to take his ahem virtue. I can't ellaborate on their suggestions for him to punish them because of the number of minors that might read. Very funny movie! Have you seen "The Life of Brian"? Also very funny! __________________ I like to wonder.<br />And when I wonder<br />My mind wanders.<br />And when it wanders,<br />I have to wonder;<br />When will it ever come back?!?

11-09-2002, 06:32 AM	#7
CrimsonKing The Magister Join Date: March 26, 2002 Location: Southampton, England Age: 36 Posts: 137	Classic movie! "And you must cut down the biggest tree in the forest with a herring!" Ni! __________________ The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed...<br /><br />Member of The Society Of Song And Silent Blades

11-08-2002, 10:06 PM	#1
Nanobyte Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: NC Age: 38 Posts: 2,890	Found these online. Only a few of the massive collection Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt! Sir Bedevere: A newt? Peasant: I got better. King Arthur: Old woman! Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you? King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked... Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior. King Arthur: Well I am king. Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. * * * King Arthur: I am your king! Woman: Well I didn't vote for you! King Arthur: You don't vote for kings. Woman: Well how'd you become king then? [Angelic music plays...] King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king! Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! * * * Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! * * * Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! [The King gestures to the window.] King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours. Prince Herbert: What, the curtains? Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows? King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu-- Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother... Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know! Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to. King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head! Sir Lancelot: Oh dear...is he all right?

11-09-2002, 08:57 AM	#8
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	If you have not seen this yet...check out this lego movie! http://www.lego.com/eng/studios/scre...id=montypython Mark

11-09-2002, 09:00 AM	#9
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	Scene 3: Repression is Nine Tenths of the Law? [thud] [King Arthur music] [thud thud thud] [King Arthur music stops] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. ARTHUR: I-- what? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'. DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I am King! DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-- ARTHUR: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN: No one lives there. ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,... ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting... ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,... ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh. ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shut up, will you? Shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you? One of my favorite scenes! [img]smile.gif[/img] Mark

11-09-2002, 09:03 AM	#10
Kaltia Jack Burton Join Date: May 2, 2002 Location: Canterbury, England Age: 36 Posts: 5,817	Life of Brian was better, i thought Nethertheless MP+ and the Holy Grail cracked me up [img]tongue.gif[/img] Judean people's front! The people's front of Judea! (heh...the gladiator in the ring...) Welease Wodger!

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