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Old 02-26-2011, 07:07 AM   #41
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
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Old 02-26-2011, 07:10 AM   #42
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:08 AM   #43
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:20 AM   #44
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 02-01-11

This one is a little lame...

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
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