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Old 06-03-2002, 09:15 PM   #1

Join Date: March 27, 2002
Location: Boulder, CO
Age: 40
Posts: 199
My question is: What's the deal/point with a so called 'open' relationship? [img]graemlins/confused5.gif[/img] (Other than to tease all us single people)

I use myself as an example. if only to whine a little bit. But I'm honestly curious.

The other day I finally worked up the gumption to ask a girl out. She and I actually went out on a date [img]graemlins/showoff.gif[/img] and I thought things went pretty well. But she called a couple of days later and told me that she already had a boyfriend but was, at the time when we went out, in an open relationship which they had decided to end. Meaning they would exclusivley date each other.
It's not the first time I've heard of such things but the first time I've personally run into it. And I understand that you can certainly date other people. I don't really have a problem with that. But call me old fashioned here, I think she should have mentioned that at the beginning. It certainly would have cleared up some confusion and smoothed over an akward moment on the phone. Opinions? Advice? I'm not sure what to think. Is this what I'm going to run into for the rest of time? [img]graemlins/uhoh2.gif[/img]

\"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn\'t have to stop there.\" <br />Dana Gould
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Old 06-03-2002, 09:47 PM   #2
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Sounds as if they were just dating and had an agreement to be able to date others. Guess they just decided to make it exclusive at a bad time for you! I do think you are right, though, she should have told you up front.

I would say if they were in an 'open' relationship where they were mainly with each other but could date other people, that would be strange to me. Like you said, why bother saying you are a couple if you really aren't exclusive?

I guess I'm old fashioned too. [img]smile.gif[/img] One thing my fiance and I did from the start was make clear our ideas on fidelity and what constitutes cheating in our opinions. I think being open about those things really helped alot.

Well, I guess I'll wish you better luck next time! [img]smile.gif[/img]
"Don't take life for granted." Animal (may he rest in peace)
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Old 06-03-2002, 10:17 PM   #3
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Join Date: April 15, 2002
Location: Utrecht The Netherlands
Age: 53
Posts: 16,977
sounds to me she was just a bit experimenting, and you were the experiment.
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Old 06-03-2002, 10:58 PM   #4
Horus - Egyptian Sky God

Join Date: April 10, 2001
Location: Tacoma, WA, U.S.A.
Age: 34
Posts: 2,615
The man cant keep it in his pants or the woman is indecisive
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Old 06-03-2002, 11:24 PM   #5

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She should have said something up front.
Next time you might want to remember to ask ahead of time too (if your date is romantically attached to someone else). This will let you know how available (or how desperate for a relationship they are i.e. being on the rebound).
Its not something too many people are comfortable with so don't go thinking you are going to run into it alot. Well, I am speaking for an older generation when I say that too...who knows what kids these days find acceptable!
Just remember to ask if they're attached, you know, find out what their dating status is...and watch out for the loonies! [img]graemlins/1dizzy.gif[/img]

[ 06-04-2002, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: Moni ]
Old 06-03-2002, 11:44 PM   #6
Baaz Draconian

Join Date: October 11, 2001
Location: Montreal,Quebec,Canada
Age: 48
Posts: 721
One of my gaming buddies was in an open relationship. He was married, but they could both be with/ sleep with whoever they wanted. It ultimately broke them up, ending the marriage.
Est Sularis oth Mithas
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Old 06-04-2002, 12:47 AM   #7
Drow Priestess

Join Date: March 13, 2001
Location: a hidden sanctorum high above the metroplex
Age: 49
Posts: 4,032
I was in what amounted to an "open" relationship some years ago. The psychology is quite fascinating, actually.
I'll be fair to her. This girl, we'll call her Thalena (her gaming name), is intelligent, charming, and a well-trained mezzo-soprano, as well as having a knowledge of several other subjects. She would make an excellent social wife and/or hostess.
However, she had acceptance issues with her parents and thus had been in less-than-perfect relationships. What she wanted was the freedom to pursue someone else as a fling and be able to walk back into a fully accepting household where all is forgiven.

That is the essence of those wanting an "open" relationship--to have maximum relationship benefits with the minimum input of the intimate closeness that helps bond a relationship together. "Open" means that, despite any transgression, all will be forgiven. In one sense this kind of person is child-like, which places the other person in a "parental" role, which finally results in fear of being controlled in the person who wants "openness", which results in more "acting-out" behavior, ad infinitum. A cycle of behavior, akin to codependence.

If you see this type of behavior, my advice is to walk away or give them the number of a good relationship/personal counselor.
Everything may be explained by a conspiracy theory. All conspiracy theories are true.

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Old 06-04-2002, 04:12 AM   #8
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Join Date: May 17, 2001
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Originally posted by Arnabas:
One of my gaming buddies was in an open relationship. He was married, but they could both be with/ sleep with whoever they wanted. It ultimately broke them up, ending the marriage.
Alright, it honestly doesn't surprise me that that didn't last... I will honestly say that they'd have to be a bit abnormal for it to do so....
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Old 06-04-2002, 04:41 AM   #9
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice

Join Date: September 5, 2001
Location: House of Freelight
Age: 42
Posts: 3,159
My guess is that an open relationship is more for both persons to play the field while dating each other more frequently (probably because they do enjoy each other's company). Why would they do this? I can think of some reasons: lack of security, unwillingness to commit at a point in time, uncertainty of whether the other half is the "right" person (divorces are messy, breakups painful and in both these scenarios it takes much time - and sometimes money - to get over them).

I would say that if both parties were willing to be in such a relationship, then who am I to judge? And as for whether they should "inform" the others they are dating of their current status, that would depend on how close that relationship was. A first date might not mean much to someone, and he/she does not really have any obligation to say anything. Personally, I would not do such a thing, but I am trying to offer an alternative line of thinking here [img]smile.gif[/img]
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