a cup of thoughts, and then farewell...

[Bahamut]

This is… a farewell message. I don’t know why, but it seems that I myself feel like leaving this board. For some reason, I think I have to go on and do something different. I love it here, I want to be here, but I cant keep up. Not that im saying that you guys spam a lot or something, its juts If I had more time, I would be like a moderator. Hehe how funny. Time… for… this and that… I just had a new philosophy while taking a shower, and that is, there is time for everything… as long as you keep that in mind. Now to me it seems so pathetic a reason on we leave this board because we have no time, etc. its not that. I think the sole reason is that this board is not that important to the other things you can put more time on. I mean come on, lets say your son was in the hospital. Which would you pick. Its obvious right? Anyway, the event in the shower hit me- I am once again overwhelmed by the painful reality of this world.

Things don’t go our way all the time, which makes it fun. But, I hate the fact that everything is going your way except for the one you really really like. I always hurt at this… for the one thing I would do everything for… and I cant get it. Maybe this prom? But I just bet to myself that it would be a nightmare. For her that is… ill be there enjoying the hell out of it, but the problem is forgetting her. I get more comfy when I just drift around the girl, being cool and funny in front of her, but when it goes to direct contact, bah, useless. Don’t worry, ill still keep you updated with the prom itself and post-prom.

I watch anime, not all of them, movies, duh, and some other series tv thing. The ones that hit me are animes and movies with romances. Well, I think I understand as im writing… this is my weak point. I want to be someone highly respected, loved and cared for, and those romantic happenings that I long for: and to think I don’t read any romantic stories, just by accidentally watching, I feel like im so stupid. Hehe there was this one anime, on axn, the title, boys be. The girl said in the end, the childood friend of the main character, “I’ll be waiting” with all the happenings in the story, I felt so happy. As if I was the one being referred to. Hehe funny, then it struck me again. Good for the guy. Now I think the ending is they are going to kiss and make up. how romantic and loyal, and how exremely lucky the guy is. He just doesn’t see it, but damn hes so lucky. Some other animes make me feel like a hero and makes me want to create a character of my own… the hero of the story…

Maybe it is because I study in a school that is all boys? If that’s the case, maybe my suicidal attempts will be delayed in college. Believe me, I suddenly lost the fear of cutting myself. And a little more, I might not even be scared of dying. In my case of death, it is easily seen that society is the problem, not me. That is because if they showed their care and support, it would never even cross my mind. Think about it…

I may be a weak person, for I cannot contain my emotions or put them into one place. I mean, if I were strong, I would not even be whining right? I have a powerful mind, but not a powerful barrier for me to supress the feeling of what im thinking. For crying out loud, my chest is tight, cant breathe, over what? Some cartoon or like in FF7, Aeris’ death. It made soooo freaking sad… hey, are they real, not. Some couple fight over this, in movies, id be super pissed. They come back together, wow. And then I think, and I apply it to myself. Sadly, bad result.

Believing into something, believing so hard it would come true… in this world, someone who has more wits and aggression wins. Faith is not so good this time. In some cases, it wont apply, but those chances are very small, and I consider it happening to me is 1:10000000. What if I transferred into a different country? Will that help? A few more years, I’ll take up psychology and go to the U.S. Ladyzekke, im looking fer ya!

I am so young, and I feel as if I already breezed through life, and my friend says, “hey, were only 16, we still have A LOT to go through.” Can I handle this? Im frail inside, I know it. This world maybe is not for me. If I were born earlier, id be great, since I live in honor, chivalry and tradition. People now live for sex and money. I wonder how men think of women as playthings- as I think of them as goddesses than roam the earth, to be loved and respected. And still, they got all of them… wow.

My thoughts are funny, and they go round and round. The fact that the phrase, “ill be waiting” hurts like hell to me, it may not to all of you. No matter what I do, I get nothing… or maybe if did something?

“her”. This mystery girl is named Joelle. Like as mentioned in the old forum. What if asked her out, surprised her by going to her house? I believe in words to much… I thought constant communication would be nice… but no. well, its that hard if it aint mutual. Tough luck for me eh? Now, I am struck by the mere fact that it is in general. Not specific. My love will not be answered back… in general…
or, is my being negative doing all of those hallucinations? If I were to reverse the polarity, would it end like I wanted it to be? But as I said, it has to be mutual, that’s why… that’s why…

there are more, but they all end up the same. Maybe another reason is I don’t want to cause you guys any more burden than you already have… you have your own lives remember? This board is for fun, not tragedy. I see it now… we go all here to shoo our problems away… but to me, my brainpower is all to powerful to counter anything you throw to me… which makes it worse. So, whether I seek help. I counter it… meaning thanks for you help bozo. Hehe would guys prefer id be stupid or this problematic?

JJ, thanks for your help on my depression thread. It made me feel… good. Hehe. Wofgir, ill try that howling in the woods when I find one here. Memnoch, I remember you as lord kymil… whered you get that? I thought you were just a 13 year-old kid back then… tobbin, hehe I end up eating my words eh? Moiraine, thanks for the cds, you know how I feel about them. Gabriel, you challenge me, to make more poems… Armisael, you know what? I always tried to get your respect, and your farewell on the old thread made me feel good, especially coz its coming from you. Melusine, im sorry if I could not send b-day cards… I have my list, but you could drop me off your list. Yorick, “Don’t walk away” Cloudy for keeping the board aloft… I just wanted to use that word.. teehee… ladyzekke, beloved sister, thanks for your company and keep rocking for me… and to all those I forgot, youre not important enough. J/k!!!!

I am not gonna say ill never forget you all, its pathetic, that’s never true, or at least half-true. Anyway, id just say youll always be a part of me, the humor, the way of thinking, speaking, get it… the heart doesn’t remember by name, but by actions… youll always be a part of me… I may forget, but the heart always remembers… ill be checking once in a while… I don’t want you guys fighting.

Ironic, I thought id be the last one leaving the board… give me a reason on why I should stay… when it clicks, maybe, if you want me that bad by the way…

Have a good life ahead of ye, and I hope ill always be a part of YOU

Ryan


------------------

I...AM...BAHAMUT...AND IT IS YOU PEOPLE...I FEAR

Hey Ryan,

Whats all this man, you're a cool guy, and funny too, I don't want to see you down like this, it's not good. I have been clinically depressed, been on medication too, and it's not a way to be. Who said at 16 you've got more shit to come? It gets better and worse, I'll not lie to you, but don't think it won't ever change, because just by thinking that you've already affected a change in yourself. If today's bad, think, all it takes is one small event and everything changes, and you never know what that small event will be, - you've got to travel hopefully.

Part of my trouble too was being at an all boys school, but if you go to university as you say you are going to, then thats probably the best chance to meet and mix with girls in a social circumstance, and it make a world of difference to the way people interact.

Forget the suicide stuff, Ryan, whose that going to help? You wind up dead, and remember your dead for a long time, and besides the world carries on regardless.
Look at it this way we're all going to die in the end so lets see what we can achieve in the meantime, who knows in the future you may reach a stage where you are really happy, if you kill yourself now you'll never know.

I never met you but reading this is upsetting, I like to think of the people here as friends and I really care about you all. Ryan if you want to discuss stuff off the board you got my email (in the profile), but don't leave because you feel you are burdening us. Let us decide what burdens us, and since we want to help its no burden.

Your friend

Simon


------------------

Holy Avenger of the OHF

HATS for sale baby!
Sponsored by Yorick
Your ad here? Call 112 -221 -123

[Bahamut]

ha... i never thought of that...were all going to die anyway... hahaha!!!!!! thats right... wow, if die then die... hmmm.. interesting. maybe you guys could cancel that, again. thanks.

------------------

I...AM...BAHAMUT...AND IT IS YOU PEOPLE...I FEAR

[WOLFGIR]

Wow, what to say friend.. i will miss you, that I will.
You´re not alone with feelings friend, and you have to sort them out for your self,we can only give you hints..

Well I hate long goodbyes, and this seems for real so well met friend and may you have fun and glory in your life.

I hope you will drop bye now and then and keep us posted..

See you around!

HooOooooooooOOowl
Remember, a howl might not bring an answer but it can surly wake up yourself and your neighbours!

------------------

Do electric wolves dream of electric sheep?

[Bahamut]

and here, they wont call the cops... theyll just hammer you the following day with complaints.

------------------

I...AM...BAHAMUT...AND IT IS YOU PEOPLE...I FEAR

Originally posted by Bahamut: and here, they wont call the cops... theyll just hammer you the following day with complaints.

Well that sure beats hammering you with hammers

------------------

Holy Avenger of the OHF

HATS for sale baby!
Sponsored by Yorick
Your ad here? Call 112 -221 -123

[Memnoch]

Ryan, you sound like you've really thought this through. I want you to remember one thing though: life is what we make of it. There are ups and downs, peaks and troughs, ecstasy and agony. Believe me I've gone through it all. I used to ask myself, back when I was your age (10 years ago!) if it was worth it all. Now I look back at those highs and lows and think, would I have preferred a life that was average? With no lows, but also no highs? No despair, but no euphoria? I think not!

I'm glad that this board and this community has made an impact in your life; I've been very pleasantly surprised to see the change in you from when I first met you here the first time the old board crashed. You're right, I was still lordkymil then and there was just the two of us on the board! I've read through your posts (even if I haven't commented on all of them) and I've seen you grow and mature in the last four months. I have complete faith in your ability to take charge of your life, to eliminate negativity, and to pursue happiness. That, my friend, is what life is all about! Life is what happens to us every day, when we make plans for this and that, some things happen, some don't, we are shocked, surprised, pleased, disappointed, CONTENT. It's this incredible kaleidoscope of experiences, joys, sorrows, setbacks, and triumphs. Remember this too: today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I'm posting a story that I want you to read, but before that I wanted to say that you'll always be a part of us, no matter wherever you are, whatever you do, or how often you drop in, because YOU touched OUR lives. I know you'll be back - because a part of you will always be here. Never underestimate the power of the human spirit. Ingat ka, pare.


Story for Ryan

Once upon a time there was a farmer who had an old mule. The mule fell
Into a deep dry well and began to cry loudly. Hearing his mule cry, the
farmer came over and assessed the situation. The well was deep and the
mule
was heavy. He knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to lift the
animal out.

Because the mule was old and the well was dry, the farmer decided to
bury
the animal in the well. In this way he could solve two problems: put the
old mule out of his misery and have his well filled.
He called upon his neighbors to help him and they agreed to help. To
work
they went. Shovel full of dirt after shovel full of dirt began to fall
on
the mule's back. He became hysterical. Then all of a sudden an idea came
to the mule. Each time they would throw a shovel full of dirt on his
back he
could shake it off and step up. Shovel full after shovel full, the mule
would shake it off and step up. Now exhausted and dirty, but quite
alive,
the mule stepped over the top of the well and walked through the crowd.

A great attitude. A great way to approach life. Shake it off and step
up.
Too often we hold on to what has happened to us. We hold on to it for a
week, a month, even years. We cannot shake it loose from our memory. It
eats away at us and steals our joy, happiness and peace
of mind. The past hurt can create feelings of bitterness, resentment,
anger and revenge.

Whatever it is: a rude comment, a past mistake, being ignored, we can
Stew over it all week. It occupies us all the time. Too often we nurse
hurts, we keep them alive inside and go over them time and time again;
not
only stewing from them, but now chewing them over and over until it gets
us sick. Too often we rehearse hurts, tell everyone what
has happened to us. The cure is to accept what has happened, try to make
sense out of it, learn from it, then shake it off and step up. When you
let it go you feel free and you are no longer buried in the well.

Once you are on your feet again you can take some action. You decide
Where you want to grow in life, the direction you want your life to
take.
You decide whether you will allow the hurt to make you a bitter or a
better person. Learn from it. Emerge stronger.
THAT'S LIFE!



------------------
Memnoch - Custodian of the Order of the Holy Flame



[This message has been edited by Memnoch (edited 03-29-2001).]

Great story Memnoch, that too is a good way to look at things.

------------------

Holy Avenger of the OHF

HATS for sale baby!
Sponsored by Yorick
Your ad here? Call 112 -221 -123

[Tobbin]

Originally posted by Bahamut: ha... i never thought of that...were all going to die anyway... hahaha!!!!!! thats right... wow, if die then die... hmmm.. interesting. maybe you guys could cancel that, again. thanks.

Don't take everything at face value that people tell you. It's true that things will get progressively worse, but then that's because you will have more responsibilities and stuff. You will have these responsibilities because you will be doing more stuff. Put in a nutshell, you will have more put upon you, but you will be more prepared to handle this stuff based on what you have "survived" before. If things get to a point that you feel it's beyond your abilities, well, that's what friends are for. They will stand by you and add their strength to your own. If something comes up like that and they don't, they really aren't your friends. Anyways, just wanted you to know that a lot of us have had periods of depression in our life, and it's normal to feel bad because of it. If you need some time to gather your thoughts, then by all means do what you have to, but know that we are worried for you and we care. If there's anything we can do for you, please ask. It's like I was saying up above, true friends stand together and add their strength to your own.


------------------


Protectorate of the OHF
Death Waits 4 U ALL

[Epona]

Bahamut/Ryan

Believe me, you're not alone in feeling the way you do. You are obviously an incredibly deep, intelligent and sensitive person with a lot to offer (and I'm not just talking about a lot to offer a girl, I also mean that you have a lot to offer the world, the board, friends etc).

If you feel you need a break from the board to work through this, then so be it, but don't you know you have a lot of friends here who can offer you moral support and who will miss you if you leave? If you feel bad, you can talk it over with us.

And please don't do anything 'silly' - you never know what may be around the corner that you may miss out on - there are a whole world of experiences, good and bad, to be had.

It seems to me from reading your posts as though, like me, you go 'up and down' a lot in the way you feel and view life. It is difficult to get through the bad days, I know from my own experience, but there will also be plenty of good times, love, joy, friendships. Please bear this in mind when you are going through a bad patch.

------------------

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Epona of The Laughing Hyenas.