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Old 04-05-2001, 06:01 PM   #1

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
20 Words That Really Should Exist by Rich Hall

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its
perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle,
or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and
listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint
at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do
you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing
on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter
what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the
faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give
up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that
one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:04 PM   #2

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
Dear Cecil:

We were having a heated argument the other day that it's impossible to
clap without using both hands. But then someone piped up that the
Chinese have found a way of clapping using one hand only. Can they do
it? Can anyone? --Frank N., Baltimore

Cecil replies:

I notice, Frank, that you hail from Baltimore, a city whose residents
fall into one of two categories, in my observation: (1) persons of
exceeding wit and ingenuity, and (2) complete idiots. Your letter, quite
honestly, lends itself equally well to either proposition. Let us start
with the latter.

(1) You are an idiot. There is this thing called a "joke," Frank, that
you may want to look into sometime. A joke is a display of cleverness
intended to engender yux. There are, however, certain rather thick
personages who require advance notice if they are to recognize a joke
when they see one. In polite society it is customary when in the
presence of these personages to signal the onset of a joke by means of
some subtle stratagem, such as a gong, large firecracker, or air-raid
siren. Clearly your so-called friends could stand a lesson in
thoughtfulness. For further insight, see (2) below.

(2) You are a person of exceeding wit and ingenuity, and your letter is
actually a coy recasting of a famous Zen Buddhist koan, or riddle, such
as Zen masters use to instruct their pupils. The koan in question,
devised by the Japanese Zen master Hakuin (1686-1769), is as follows: In
clapping both hands, a sound is heard. What is the sound of one hand?
(In casual discussion this is usually corrupted to: What is the sound of
one hand clapping?)

Unsophisticated persons are generally inclined to answer with something
like "half a clap," which signifies that they have not yet achieved
Buddha nature. After several years of dedicated meditating, however,
they learn the correct response, which is to face the questioner, assume
an appropriate Buddhist posture, and without a word thrust one hand
forward. I learn this from The Sound of the One Hand: 281 Zen Koans With
Answers by Hau Hoo, which is my idea of an admirably no-bullshit
approach to cosmic enlightenment.

I realize that the allegedly correct response in this case is a little
on the enigmatic side, but that is Zen Buddhism for you. It is by
ruminating assiduously on such mysteries that we learn to free our minds
from the strictures of linear thinking and grasp the essence of the
void. Other effective methods of combating linear thinking are Quaaludes
and old Magnum P.I. reruns, two excellent examples of the way modern
technology enriches ancient religious practice.

The other Zen koan you may want to take note of is said to have been
composed by the Japanese Zen master Joshu (778-897), and goes as
follows: Does a dog have Buddha nature? The correct answer is Mooooo,
uttered in a sort of plaintive bellow.

In the interest of perfect technical accuracy I suppose I should mention
that the conventional spelling here is usually Mu, which is Zen Buddhist
for "a question that is so dumb as to defy belief." However, Mooooo
seems to me to be infinitely more expressive and meaningful to noble
children of the sod such as ourselves, particularly those who live in
Iowa. Anyway, Frank, I am glad you brought up the subject. We cannot
learn about foreign cultures unless we ask.


Re your recent discussion, the sound of one hand clapping is, as any
true friend of Jimmy Rockford can tell you, the sound of a slap in the
face. --Evelyn M., San Quentin, California

Once again I marvel at the subtle ways in which Westerners assimilate
the wisdom of the Orient.


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Old 04-05-2001, 06:06 PM   #3

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201

-= proctologists =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

-= proctologists =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------

A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the
bottom and stays there.

-= proctologists =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist
tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out
a large bouquet of flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed and
asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The other proctologist answered
very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"

-= proctologists =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------

A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it
and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:14 PM   #4

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for "Listing Father's Details":

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was
fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child
B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number ? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had
it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my
country please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
[address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:15 PM   #5
Horus - Egyptian Sky God

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 37
Posts: 2,674
WOW, me gotz no time to read for now caushe gota go for da tesht, me will be back latr for sure!!

BTW, how you poshted four poshts in no time? Memnoch givez you special permissions? ARRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH ME WILL CRUSH HIM!!!!

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:16 PM   #6

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
"Smart Dog in Training"

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off
to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over,
the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about
how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and
stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously,
mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and
commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits
down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile
disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he
says in a whiny voice.....

......"You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time?
Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think
that designer dog food you're feeding me is good?
You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care?
You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice
a day. I can't even remember the last time you took
me out for a good walk."

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young,
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:18 PM   #7

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed,
witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from
parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or
persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:26 PM   #8
Ramon de Ramon y Ramon
Red Dragon

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Cologne, North Rhine-Westphalia, Germany
Age: 47
Posts: 1,517
Just stopping by to say hello, and I really liked the "Dear Cecil" one a lot !

So long !

R³ - new, much improved signature under construction !

[This message has been edited by Ramon de Ramon y Ramon (edited 04-05-2001).]
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:26 PM   #9

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
Government terms and what they really mean

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:29 PM   #10

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 55
Posts: 2,201
Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.

With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your
product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out
this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling
your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify) _____________________
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify) ____________________

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? Please check all
that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?
(Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic

__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.

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