Cloudy's Corner, TEEHEE!

[Charean]

Hey, I try - I am the Queen of Jokes, after all... need to maintain my title.

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

[Moiraine]

Your blonde joke had my husband and me both LOAO !

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[Charean]

This is for anyone who pays taxes!


H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.
This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions,
and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early
to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had
a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of
the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

[Charean]

The following is for the women, them men won't have the stomach for it... and no, it isn't me.


My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those
were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks
are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they
didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

[Charean]

Remember the suspense after our last election? That is when this was posted - folks in GB may find this especially amusing.


NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 2.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


Thank you for your cooperation.



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

[Cloudbringer]

Charean, I bow to your Joklieness! HAHAHHAHAAH I have seen the Independence one. Glad you posted, as I've lost it in a horrible deleting accident...snicker...

O Queen of the jokes, you are ever welcome to post on Cloudy's Corner!

And now, another of the ever popular BLONDE Jokes...hehehe (hey, I'm only partially blonde...highlights don't count ...er..do they? HAHAHAHA)

A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been
broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.
"She got in the back seat by mistake."

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TEE HEE HEE

And thanks BK and Gray Mage for your additions! LOL

I love a good Cloudy's Corner on a tough day. Save em up boys and girls! We'll all be needing them sooner or later! I love this place. (Cloudy sends great big hugs and kisses to the WHOLE DANGED BOARD! )


Cloudbringer
Raindancer of The Laughing Hyenas Clan


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Storm-Queen
Purple Rose of the Black Knight

[Charean]

(These are selections from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and
compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. Wording and spelling
have not been changed.)

PILGRAM INTERUPTERS
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they
wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different.

The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain.

First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm
blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They
spent the winter there.

Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people
of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept
this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first
governor of Plymouth Rock.

A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and
translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers
freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks
for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a
national holiday all around the world.

These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls
wore funny bonets.

But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States wouldn't be like it is today.

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Stealthy]

Charean brilliant! You might want to tell the US in light of the British declaration of indecision that 'color' is spelt 'colour' and that 'tomatoe' has no y in it hence toe-mah-toe. I agree we missed an e out, but hey it's our language! Also hockey is played on grass not ice and over here even the girls dont wear padding. What are your men, wimps or something? Also why do americans call every sporting event World Championship, when only they play the silly sport. Is it so that they always win? They seem to delight in taking true world wide sports and changing the rules, so that they can understand it, and declaring it the World Championship. For example Baseball instead of cricket, Indy instead of F1(can't your drivers drive straight?), American football instead of football, ice hockey instead of hockey, wrestling in place of actual wrestling where people actually do get hurt and acting of that calibre is left to day time soaps, usually Australian. Now that I have successfully alienated half the board, I will depart awaiting your replies

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Watch out for LadyWendy's lovebites!
Click here for the album site.

Shadow Mage of the OHF.

[Charean]

Well Stealthy, I am American, for what it is worth, and found it funny... never let it be said we cannot poke fun at ourselves!!

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Charean]

*****WARNING****** EXCRUTIATING PUNS AHEAD!!!! *********


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."

And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -- Are you
ready for this?!
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke