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Old 09-02-2001, 05:19 AM   #1
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
Shit

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language....

Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
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Old 09-02-2001, 05:36 AM   #2
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, ''Thank you so much.'' hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, ''I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.''
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Old 09-02-2001, 05:40 AM   #3
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both ˇ§bloody wankersˇ¨ and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
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Old 09-02-2001, 05:46 AM   #4
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
I Gonna Back to Italy

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
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Old 09-02-2001, 05:47 AM   #5
Lifetime
Red Dragon
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: Scotch College, Melbourne
Posts: 1,503
HoLy ShIT!
ROFL!

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Old 09-02-2001, 05:56 AM   #6
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
sorry, I am searching jokes about Italian, but it just happens that I bump into those jokes, lol


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first.
Den I come.
Two asses, they come together.
I come again.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
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Old 09-02-2001, 06:16 AM   #7
Rikard
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Posts: n/a
I Hope they won't remove this
Too funny

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OMG I have no Arms
Wait I don't have a body either
But i DO have a FN P90
 
Old 09-02-2001, 06:25 AM   #8
Rikard
Guest
 

Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by 250:
[Censored]

[Censored]is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. [Censored] may just be the most powerful word in the English language....

Consider this: You can be [Censored] faced, be [Censored] out of luck or have [Censored] for brains. With a little effort you can get your [Censored] together, find a place for your [Censored] or decide to [Censored] or get off the pot. You can smoke [Censored], buy [Censored], sell [Censored], lose [Censored], find [Censored], forget [Censored] and tell others to eat [Censored] and die. You can [Censored] or go blind, have a [Censored] fit or just [Censored] your life away.

People can be [Censored] headed, [Censored] brained, [Censored] blinded and [Censored]over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between [Censored] and shineola. There are lucky [Censored], dumb [Censored], crazy [Censored] and sweet [Censored]. There is bull [Censored], and horse [Censored] and chicken [Censored]. You can throw [Censored], sling [Censored], catch [Censored] or duck when the [Censored]hits the fan. You can take a [Censored], give a [Censored]or Serve [Censored] on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep [Censored], or be happier than a pig in [Censored].

Some days are colder than [Censored], some days are hotter than [Censored] and some days are just plain [Censored]. Some music sounds like [Censored], things can look like [Censored] and there are times when you feel like [Censored]. You can have too much [Censored], not enough [Censored], the right [Censored], the wrong [Censored] or a lot of weird [Censored]. You can carry [Censored], have a mountain of [Censored], or find yourself up [Censored] creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this [Censored] and sometimes you don't want any [Censored] at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to [Censored] and other times you swim in a lake of [Censored] and come out smelling like a rose. [Censored]! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your [Censored], you don't need to know anything else.

censored 57 words without knowing sure how to spell censored



------------------

OMG I have no Arms
Wait I don't have a body either
But i DO have a FN P90
 
Old 09-02-2001, 06:30 AM   #9
Kaz
Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom
 

Join Date: August 16, 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 2,891
ROFL Rikard!!!
BTW, Yes censored is spelled correctly - it'd be awful to have to go back and correct all the spelling mistakes wouldn't it?

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