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Old 02-08-2001, 07:02 AM   #21
WOLFGIR
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Hehe...
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Old 02-08-2001, 07:27 AM   #22
Vicotnik
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Sorry ladyzekke, I agree that one with the sheep was 'a tad' over the line!

But here's a pretty clean one, but still very funny! ENjoy!

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Old 02-08-2001, 07:30 AM   #23
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and one more:

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

----
Too much?
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Old 02-08-2001, 07:38 AM   #24
Zoratorak
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thats a good one..!!!
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Old 02-08-2001, 08:03 AM   #25
Hellfire
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what is a bar stool turned upside-down
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seating for four at a gay bar
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Old 02-08-2001, 10:59 AM   #26
Vicotnik
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A letter of recomendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader
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Old 02-08-2001, 11:00 AM   #27
Donut (Son of Donut)
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Tommy Cooper Jokes

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
 
Old 02-08-2001, 02:00 PM   #28
Melusine
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Hmmm I thought the sheep joke was pretty funny actually, the only jokes I will NOT listen to are racist ones. (However, being a blonde I love dumb blonde jokes!)
(New Poll: is Melusine a pervert?)

I thought it was way more shocking when I was in a class last year discussing a novel by Fanny Burney and we talked about love and relationships that don't work out and my 'right learnèd and worshipful Professor of English Literature' whom I looked up to as someone who knew everything, made a
mumbling remark, looking as if seriously considering it, about "trying your luck with sheep... yeah there are like fifteen million people in this country as opposed to almost thirty million sheep"
???????



Anyone have anymore dumb blondes/ lightbulb jokes? This way please
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Old 02-08-2001, 02:44 PM   #29
Zenith
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmasist about birth control for his 11 year old daughter. Shocked, the Pharmistist asks "You're daughter is sexually active?" The guy relies "Nah, she just lays there like her mother."
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Old 02-08-2001, 04:21 PM   #30
Xanthul
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This spicy (and long) one is dedicated to Riky and Azzy

· Two dutch guys (Azzy and Rikky ) are in the street and they suddenly hear a womans voice shouting:

"I need sex !!! I need sex !!!"

They look up and they see a woman shouting from her houses window. Then Rikard tells Azreall: "go man, and give her what shes asking !!" and Azzy enters the house and makes love with the girl. Then, when he finishes, he sees that the girl takes a pencil and draws a small line on the wall. He goes out from the house and then he hears the voice again:

"I need sex !!! I need sex !!!"

He tells Rikard: "whoa, this girl is SO hot. Its your turn now man, go see if can calm her ". Riky enters the house and makes love twice with the girl. When he finishes, he sees that the girl makes 2 marks with the pencil in the wall. He goes out from the house and then... the girl starts shouting from the window again !!

"I need sex !!! I need sex !!!"

Then a cool and nice spanish latin lover named **** appears and asks the dutches: "Hey, whats going on here ??". The other guys tell him that the woman is asking for sex but she´s insatiable, and the spanish guys says: "Bah, ill give her what she wants ". He enters the house... and time goes on: 1 hour, 2 hours... then, after 4 hours, the dutch guys hear the woman shouting from the window:

"I need a pencil !!! I need a pencil !!!"
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