LOL, no offense to ANY lawyers here

250 · 08-29-2001, 04:14 AM

An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

250 · 08-29-2001, 04:22 AM

Bob has a car accident, dies and goes straight to hell. He's given the grand tour by Satan himself, and they pass by a roomful of clocks. Satan says, "You were a pretty good boy, so I'm gonna give you the job of cleaning the clocks." Bob scratches his head and asks, "They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what are they for?" Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn, and use 'em to keep track of their sins - they start off at midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I knew you weren't so bad - your clock over here stopped at 3:30." As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks like. Where's the clock for my attorney, Kirk?" Satan chuckles, "That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."

250 · 08-29-2001, 04:24 AM

One day, God was touring Heaven and noticed that the Pearly Gates were terribly scratched and worn. So he asked St. Peter, "What's happened to the Gates?" St. Peter replied, "It's from all the sinners who struggle and grab on when they're told they're going to be cast into the bottomless pit." God said, "If this is the work of sinners, then it's Satan's responsibility. Tell him he has to pay for the repairs!" Back came the reply from Satan, "So sue me!" God read Satan's words, sighed and shrugged. St. Peter said, "What shall we do, Lord?" God replied, "There's nothing we can do. He's got all the lawyers."

Yorick · 08-29-2001, 12:26 PM

These are too funny.

I know there is at least one lawyer on the board, so I hope they don't get offended. Tell you what, I'll tell a musician joke first, to prove I can take it as well as give it

Q.How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.One, they hold the bulb up and the world revolves around them.

Q. What did one record producer say to the other?

A. I don't know what do you think?

------------------
I am the walrus!.... er, no hang on....

A fair dinkum laughing Hyena!

Yorick · 08-29-2001, 12:28 PM

Q. What is the difference between GOD and a LAWYER?

A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q. What is the difference between Lawyers and Sharks?

A. Sharks don't attack each other out of professional courtesy.

------------------
I am the walrus!.... er, no hang on....

A fair dinkum laughing Hyena!

250 · 08-29-2001, 03:31 PM

i also heard this one, changing your lawyer is like shifting seat on the deck of Titanic

Moridin · 08-29-2001, 11:53 PM

LOL these are great 250, will have to send them off to my cousin who just graduated law school!

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!
--------------------------------------
A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.

“Honey!” she shouted to her husband. “I’m melting!”
--------------------------------------
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

------------------

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig
I've got to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time
Proud member of the Lecherous Hillbillies...oh no wait the Laughing Hyenas

Ryanamur · 08-30-2001, 12:08 AM

Hehehe, those were great, too bad I don't have a good lawyer story. :0

I can however tell you that one day I had the pleasure to witness 2 generals, 3 colonels, a lieutenant colonel and 2 majors trying to figure out how to turn the damn lights on in a conference room. They got so pissed of that they called in a sergent so he could find an eletrician to fix the problem. As the sergent walked in he exclaimed "damn, it's dark here" and flicked the lightswitch on.

That was priceless. I almost peed in my pants witnessing that... thank God I wasn't in the military at the time...

Larry_OHF · 08-30-2001, 12:03 PM

Since musice was mentioned here, I will share some that my Bass player has shared with me.

Note, I am a drummer.

Q-How do you tell that the drummer's platform is level?
A-He has drool running outta both sides of his mouth.

Q-How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?
A-The taping gets faster and louder.

------------------

Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club
Faith beset in The Rocks
(they show the way, you know...)

08-30-2001, 10:13 PM

LOL is all I am going to say

------------------

"The beginning of eternity.
The end of time and space.
The start of every end,
And the end of every place."

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08-29-2001, 04:14 AM	#1
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

08-29-2001, 04:22 AM	#2
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	Bob has a car accident, dies and goes straight to hell. He's given the grand tour by Satan himself, and they pass by a roomful of clocks. Satan says, "You were a pretty good boy, so I'm gonna give you the job of cleaning the clocks." Bob scratches his head and asks, "They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what are they for?" Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn, and use 'em to keep track of their sins - they start off at midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I knew you weren't so bad - your clock over here stopped at 3:30." As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks like. Where's the clock for my attorney, Kirk?" Satan chuckles, "That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."

08-29-2001, 04:24 AM	#3
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	One day, God was touring Heaven and noticed that the Pearly Gates were terribly scratched and worn. So he asked St. Peter, "What's happened to the Gates?" St. Peter replied, "It's from all the sinners who struggle and grab on when they're told they're going to be cast into the bottomless pit." God said, "If this is the work of sinners, then it's Satan's responsibility. Tell him he has to pay for the repairs!" Back came the reply from Satan, "So sue me!" God read Satan's words, sighed and shrugged. St. Peter said, "What shall we do, Lord?" God replied, "There's nothing we can do. He's got all the lawyers."

08-29-2001, 12:26 PM	#4
Yorick Very Mad Bird Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam) Age: 52 Posts: 9,246	These are too funny. I know there is at least one lawyer on the board, so I hope they don't get offended. Tell you what, I'll tell a musician joke first, to prove I can take it as well as give it Q.How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb? A.One, they hold the bulb up and the world revolves around them. Q. What did one record producer say to the other? A. I don't know what do you think? ------------------ I am the walrus!.... er, no hang on.... A fair dinkum laughing Hyena!

08-29-2001, 12:28 PM	#5
Yorick Very Mad Bird Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Breukelen (over the river from New Amsterdam) Age: 52 Posts: 9,246	Q. What is the difference between GOD and a LAWYER? A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer. Q. What is the difference between Lawyers and Sharks? A. Sharks don't attack each other out of professional courtesy. ------------------ I am the walrus!.... er, no hang on.... A fair dinkum laughing Hyena!

08-29-2001, 03:31 PM	#6
250 Horus - Egyptian Sky God Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: either CA or MO Age: 42 Posts: 2,674	i also heard this one, changing your lawyer is like shifting seat on the deck of Titanic

08-29-2001, 11:53 PM	#7
Moridin Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 1,735	LOL these are great 250, will have to send them off to my cousin who just graduated law school! What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start! -------------------------------------- A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft. “Honey!” she shouted to her husband. “I’m melting!” -------------------------------------- Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand. ------------------ Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig I've got to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time Proud member of the Lecherous Hillbillies...oh no wait the Laughing Hyenas

08-30-2001, 12:08 AM	#8
Ryanamur Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: March 29, 2001 Location: Montréal, Canada Age: 49 Posts: 1,763	Hehehe, those were great, too bad I don't have a good lawyer story. :0 I can however tell you that one day I had the pleasure to witness 2 generals, 3 colonels, a lieutenant colonel and 2 majors trying to figure out how to turn the damn lights on in a conference room. They got so pissed of that they called in a sergent so he could find an eletrician to fix the problem. As the sergent walked in he exclaimed "damn, it's dark here" and flicked the lightswitch on. That was priceless. I almost peed in my pants witnessing that... thank God I wasn't in the military at the time...

08-30-2001, 12:03 PM	#9
Larry_OHF Ironworks Moderator Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Midlands, South Carolina Age: 48 Posts: 14,759	Since musice was mentioned here, I will share some that my Bass player has shared with me. Note, I am a drummer. Q-How do you tell that the drummer's platform is level? A-He has drool running outta both sides of his mouth. Q-How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door? A-The taping gets faster and louder. ------------------ Devoted member of the Ironworks Loyal guardian of the OHF Member of the *Ancients'* club Faith beset in *The Rocks* (they show the way, you know...)

08-30-2001, 10:13 PM	#10
Hesperex Guest Posts: n/a	LOL is all I am going to say ------------------ "The beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The start of every end, And the end of every place."

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