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Old 03-01-2011, 06:43 AM   #1
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
Default Joke World 03-01-11

Boy! That was a short month. Oh right it was February.

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:43 AM   #2
VulcanRider
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Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the women in your house about closing the toilet seat by peeing in the sink instead.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: every few days, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins without the high cost of drugs. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:37 AM   #3
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:19 PM   #4
VulcanRider
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Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde young lady was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySaltLake City"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:11 PM   #5
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:13 PM   #6
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:38 PM   #7
VulcanRider
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Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

Survival Guide for Men


Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
1=DANGEROUS
2=SAFER
3=SAFEST
4=ULTRA SAFE

(1)What's for dinner?

(2)Can I help you with dinner?

(3)Where would you like to go for dinner?

(4)Here, have some wine.
----------------------------

(1)Are you wearing that?

(2)You sure look good in brown!

(3)WOW! Look at you!

(4)Here, have some wine
-------------------------

(1)What are you so worked up about?

(2)Could we be overreacting?

(3)Here's my pay check.

(4)Here, have some wine.
-------------------------

1)Should you be eating that?

(2)You know, there are a lot of apples left?

(3)Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

(4)Here, have some wine.
--------------------------

(1)What did you do all day?

(2)I hope you didn't over-do it today.

(3)I've always loved you in that robe!

(4)Here, have some wine.
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Old 03-04-2011, 06:48 AM   #8
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
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Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
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Old 03-05-2011, 06:46 AM   #9
Arvon
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Posts: 4,212
Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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Old 03-06-2011, 05:00 PM   #10
VulcanRider
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Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
Default Re: Joke World 03-01-11

Men's Rules
Women should learn these!

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or motorcycles.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
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