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Old 04-05-2001, 06:32 PM   #11
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one
weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good
Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following: the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking, the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others, a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including:

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

************************************************** ********
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously!
Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it!
This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out!
This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for
the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
(If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages
all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
************************************************** ********

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!


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Old 04-05-2001, 06:34 PM   #12
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
So, is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing the system down -
Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - Okay, Windows
does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh ... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

1. Viruses are well supported by their authors.

2. Viruses are running on most systems.

3. Their program code is fast, compact and efficient.

4. They tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

Therefore, Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.


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Old 04-05-2001, 06:36 PM   #13
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to
tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son Bobby, you stay here and
be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president,
looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster
is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.
I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the
laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the
heroine.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming;
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.

HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
relieved.)

PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:39 PM   #14
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know, back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace"

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a United Colors of Benetton.

22. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

23. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.

24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

25. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

26. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided

it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

28. You know who shot JR.

29. Loves Baby Soft was in every girls' Christmas stocking.

30. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.

32. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

33. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.

35. "All skate, change directions," means something to you.

36. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history

class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.

38. You owned a preppy handbook.

39. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.

40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick-sized packages of Bazooka gum.

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

45. VCRs cost $2,000.

46. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You remember rotary dial telephones.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke.

49. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to you on occasion (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)

50. "Members Only" Jackets ... say no more.

51. When "turn the channel" meant you actually had to get up and turn the dial on the TV.

52. When the "discs" you bought actually had music on BOTH sides.

53. When you remember putting "wings" in your hair.

54. PAC MAN fever - usually followed by TETRIS.

55. Rubix cubes kept you up nights.

56. Taping albums on cassette so you could listen on the NEW Walkman!
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:43 PM   #15
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO DON'T TAKE CRAP
1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
13- I hate everybody, and you're next.
14- Please don't make me kill you.
15- And your point is...
16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17- All stressed out and no one to choke.
18- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:45 PM   #16
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Sally decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, so she
sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but
static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Sally said, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing
on the tape but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Sally answers, "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:47 PM   #17
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
You might be from Wisconsin if ...

you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
snow tires come standard on all your cars...
at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
you can identify a Michigan accent...
you know what "cow-tipping" is.....
"Down South" to you means Chicago...
a brat is something you eat ...
you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.....
you have no problem spelling Milwaukee..
you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon...
you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school
holiday...
You know that Gotham is a real city...
You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc...
the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
you go out for fish fry on every Friday...
you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home
wearing shorts...
when you tell someone where you are from and they say:
'I thought that was part of Canada...
your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
you know how to polka....
you think that Lutheran and Catholic ARE the major religions.....
formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
you know where Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...
you have more fishing poles than teeth...
you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on
a weekend...

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Old 04-05-2001, 06:49 PM   #18
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
A report from a blonde programming team to the Y2K project management
...

Our staff has completed the 3 kears of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem.
We have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all
data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

further...

Kears were a breeze, since thek are onlk spelled out in the Legal
department's applications, and won't be effected until two thousand and
twentk ankwak.

I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this
Y-to-K problem has made ank sense to us. But we understand it is a
global problem, and our team is glad to help in ank wak possible. And
what does the kear 2000 have to do with it?

We'll await kour answer."

Sincerelk,
Mark
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:51 PM   #19
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Service with a Smile

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned
to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room
with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

By Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke Service America
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1996 by Jack
Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen
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Old 04-05-2001, 06:56 PM   #20
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word
and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word,
just start singing and we will all join in.

He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started
singing The "Old Rugged Cross."

He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing
"Jesus Loves me."

He then called out SEX. Not a sound.

Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row
suddenly stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories".

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