vicotnik's original (mostly) chamber of laughter-join in,pls

[J.J.]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know
which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this
rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the
counter I can tell
you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes. "She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10
lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime
the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't
you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel
is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

An oldie but goodie...
------------
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man
returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news
for
you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard
of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry,
there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The
man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims,"Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American
doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money,
that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Think you've had a bad day?

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both
house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when
I
was
about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
got
to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the darned phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was
still

ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which
made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles
on
it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is
still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer...and
believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro Sinko.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

WHY ! DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the dog to death.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward
him and stopped.

The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked
our
shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing
flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer,
connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet
where
he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then
opened
up a
database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally
printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer,
turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586
sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep,"
said the shepherd.

He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his
Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly
what your political persuasion is, where you're from and whom you work
for,
will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse
Jackson,"
said the shepherd.

"That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?"

"Easy", answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up
here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I
already
knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about my business because
you
just took my dog."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

A lady approaches her priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna
have some fun?"

"That's terrible exclaimed the priest, " but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read
the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible
phrase and will learn t! o pray and worship instead.

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. His two male parrots were holding the rosary beads and
praying in their cage.

The lady put her female parrots in with the male parrots and the
females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some
fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other parrot and exclaims "Put the
beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

----------------

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex! Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
at him, she again said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.

Finally he answered, "I'll take the soup."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Bob and his wife Laura are having marital problems and decide to see
sex therapist for help.
The first thing the therapist says is "Drop your pants. Let's have a
look".
The couple does as they're told and therapist looks them up and down.
After a careful examination of them both he says "OK. I can help get
that
spark back in your marriage. Here's what you do: On your way home stop
at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of doughnuts.
When you get home, take off all of your clothes and sit on the floor
across
the room from each other and facing each other. Now, Bob, you take the
grapes, roll them across the floor one by one and try to get one in your
wife's vagina. When you get one in, crawl along the floor to her and
retrieve
the grape with your tongue. Laura, you take the doughnuts and play
"ring-toss"
with Bob. When you get one over his penis, crawl along the floor and
slowly eat the doughnut. When you're done that, you'll have that spark
you thought you'd lost."

Bob and Laura go home and try this therapy. To their surprise they
have the best sex they've had in years!

The next day Bob's friend Tom confides in him that he and his wife are
having marital problems.
Immediately Bob speaks ! up and says "Tom, you have to go to this
therapist. Guaranteed he can help you! He helped Laura and me."
So Tom takes his wife and goes to see the therapist. The first thing
the
therapist says is "Ok. Drop your pants. Let's have a look at you both."
Tom and his wife do as they're told and the therapist looks them up and
down. The therapist frowns and says "I'm sorry but there's nothing I
can
do for you." "What?" yells Tom. But my friend said that you could help
us...guaranteed! Isn't there anything you can do for us?" "Well," says
the
therapist, "Ok. Here's what you do. On your way home, stop at the
grocery
store and pick up a bag of grapefruit and a box of Cheerios..."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Top Ten Times in History When The 'F' Word Was Appropriate

10. "What the ■■■■ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945

9. "Where did all these ■■■■■■■ Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

8. "Any ■■■■■■■ idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does SO ■■■■■■■ look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the ■■■■ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the ■■■■■■■ ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "I don't suppose it's gonna ■■■■■■■ rain." - Joan of Arc,1434

3. "Scattered ■■■■■■■ showers...my ass!" - Noah, 314 BC

2. "I need this parade like I need a ■■■■■■■ hole in my head!" JFK, 1963

and the number one time in history where the "F" word was appropriate...


(drum roll please)


1. "Aw c'mon, who the ■■■■ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."




FUNNY THOUGHTS
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
- Evelyn Waugh











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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To