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Old 03-12-2001, 10:39 AM   #11
Moridin
Fzoul Chembryl
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,735
Thanks Reeka,

I know time is the key, and I just hope that she too has learned her lesson and will be honest with me from now on. If something does happen I can handle it if she would just be honest.

I have never been to London. It is a city that I have wanted to see for so long! I can't beleive I am actually going


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Old 03-12-2001, 10:49 AM   #12
Moridin
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Posts: 1,735
Lillie--

Unfortunately the trip was planned a while ago and it would be hard for her to get out of it. We have only had one session with the therapist but are going again on Wednesday. I was kind of dissappointed with the therapist with this issue. The only questions she asked about the affair were 1) Is it over 2) Do you still have feelings for this guy....and then she dropped it and moved on. I would have thought that this would be an issue that the therapist would want to tackle....maybe we will get into it in future sessions??? I guess I just have to trust her to be honest with herself and with me. She cries every night just thinking about how she hurt me. I just hope that those thoughts of hurting me are there if she is ever in a 'compromising' situation again. Unfortunately she is the type of person that is act now and think later


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Old 03-12-2001, 11:18 AM   #13
JJ/newbie
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You are showing an INCREDIBLE amount of patience, Moridin. Been in your situation. When we did the counseling, the therapist was spot-on and knew what was going on as long as we discussed what was wrong with me, but when it was her behaviour 'issues', then the counselor was just siding with me and we didn't need to go anymore. LOLOLOL - So, if that is what is NOT going on with you two, then that is a positive sign.
My personal belief - she should cancel her trip. period. Whyever in the world is the discomfort of others to be considered more important than doing that which is rife with pain for you?????? If you are the most important person in her life, then she should SHOW that, not just pay it lip service. Like i told griever in his depression thread, people can say whatever they want, it is what they actually DO that points to their true self. Lillie had a good point about forbidding, I agree with her there. It should be presented as more of an either/or sort of thing.
Glad your weekend went well. Not talking about "us" if it leads to problems without the presence of a referee is a good idea, and it helps for the two of you to begin some good memories to put on top of the bad, fer sure.
A question - When you are talking about 'us' and the tears start, at what point are you? i.e., are you at the point where you are asking why she did it, or asking her to say she won't do it again? in other words, are you asking about HER behaviour, past or future? From what you have said, I gather that is the crux right now? good luck, and talk with you later.

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When given a choice, take both.
 
Old 03-12-2001, 11:51 AM   #14
Reeka
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: March 2, 2001
Location: Birmingham, Alabama, USA
Age: 70
Posts: 3,255
Moridin: Hang in there with the counseling. It takes time and the therapist can't cover everything in one session. She/He has to have time to get to know the two of you and also time to build trust in y'all with her/him. Tell me how the session goes on Wednesday (if I'm being nosy--tell me to but out). BTW I really respect you for not giving her the boot right away and trying to work things out. You are the injured party and have every right to not take her back. Anybody's ego must be dealt a severe blow when one's spouse cheats on them. I admire how you are trying to get past that and save your marriage. I believe it is very sad when a marriage breaks up for any reason.

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Old 03-12-2001, 01:06 PM   #15
Moridin
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JJ/Newbie--
I am trying to be patient. I figure a 7 year relationship requires a little patience now to try to repair. I should state that our relationship has had problems for about 4 years now and that the situation we are in now is really just a culmination of those 4 years. The problem is that we are both stubborn mules and didn't want to admit there was a problem. When the topic turns to "us" it is not usually about why she did it (I know why) but why she did not tell me for 3 months. When she moved out in December we truly thought it was over. At this time we agreed that if we started seeing other people we would be honest and tell each other. Her promising to be honest and then breaking that promise is what my problem is. I can handle almost anything as I am an open person, but the one thing I hate is when people are dishonest!

Reeka--
You are not being too nosy. It is very refreshing to be able to talk about this in between therapy sessions
You have been very kind and I appreciate your listening to my 'problems'

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Old 03-12-2001, 02:21 PM   #16
Lillie
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
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Posts: 62
Hey Moridin -

If the issue of her trip is still bothering you on Wednesday, I'd say bring it up to the therapist again at that point. The therapist needs to address your needs as well as your wife's - you are the injured party here, and you are entitled to some clear advice, even if that advice is uncomfortable.

I saw plenty of my marriage therapists "wimp out" on crucial points of conflict.

To give therapists credit though, they can not force someone to tell the truth. Many times, my ex was asked by the therapists if his relationship with his mistress was over (it wasn't), and he told the therapists it was. The therapists would then ask him why he wasn't behaving as if the affair was over (since he didn't appear to be re-committed to our marriage). Then my ex would throw up a series of defenses, which usually involved crying, having a tantrum, or trying to change the subject. No therapist can help someone in such an advanced stage of denial.

Still, I wanted to strangle my last therapist after my ex finally walked out. The therapist said "Well, I think your husband stopped investing in your marriage a long time ago." HELLO?!?!?!? Why the @%*# didn't you tell me that before? Then I remembered that hey, the therapist was still getting paid as long as he helped us keep up the illusion that something could work out...sigh
Guess as long as there was some glimmer of hope (even one-sided hope on my part) the therapist could do that and still have a clear conscience. It sure gave me a cynical view of therapists, though.

Don't give those therapists a break, buddy! Make `em *work* for that ungodly hourly rate - get some honest advice on the hard issues.

Or, you can keep coming to us and get it for free
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Old 03-12-2001, 02:43 PM   #17
Moridin
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,735
Lillie--

Here is a good therapist story for you: About 1 week before my wife moved out we went to a therapist. He listened to us for about 20 minutes and then gave us his "professional" opinion
For my wife: Don't feel guilty about what you are doing. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do, so if you want to move out then move out.
For me: You need to get over it. You are in a depression and I would like to put you on Prozac!
Can you believe this! after only 20 minutes that is what he came up with. Needless to say we did not go back to him, however my wife took to heart what he said and actualy quoted him a couple of times.

Another good insurance based story: My insurance covers individual therapy but will not cover couples therapy! I guess it's okay to have your own problems but you can't have any problems with your spouse

I like my individual therapist now. And I hope that with more sessions I can come to like the couples therapist

And I will always come here for the free advice. Thanks!!!!


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Old 03-12-2001, 03:25 PM   #18
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Thanks for clarifying for me, Moridin. I still say that individual trips for the both of you if you are trying to get it back together is probably not a good idea. I had to deal with the trust issue, and if the two of you - or either one - is not willing to be completely open about all that you do, or make sure that there is not even the APPEARANCE of any reason to raise the trust issue, there has to be a reason. There is no sane argument that can be made for her to go on her trip, no matter the inconvienence to others, or cost. Let her send her share of expenses, if that is the case, but certainly not herself! Probably not a good idea for you to take a solo trip either, even though you deserve one in spades.
Rationalizations and excuses are ways people allow themselves to do what they want to anyway. Saying that you should let her go on this trip to PROVE that you trust her (if she says that) is sheer lunacy worthy of bill clinton
Lillie, I salute you! You are definitely the veteran of a thousand psychic wars - (now what movie song is that from? ) Listen to what she says about making the therapist work for it, and pin them to the ground. gotta go to work, I'll see you guys in about 9 hrs or so. Good luck

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When given a choice, take both.
 
Old 03-12-2001, 09:28 PM   #19
bilqis
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: WA, USA
Age: 66
Posts: 1,328
Moridin: I'm so glad your weekend went well. I agree with those who said it's a good idea to build some happy 'together' memories now.

You have received a lot of good advice here, so I'm not going to add to it. I do wish you luck, and support, and another listening ear. Whatever you decide, you'll know that you are doing everything you can to make it work. More power to you!!
(I wish there was a 'thumbs up' smiley!)


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Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good Fantasy.
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Old 03-15-2001, 12:11 PM   #20
Moridin
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,735
Another session of couples therapy is over

Last night our therapist introduced us to a technique called EMRD (I think?) It is a technique that allows your brain to process thoughts using both halves. You know how your brain uses one side to perform certain functions and the other to perform other functions? This technique involves using headphones to provide alternating sounds in the ears and paddles (for lack of another description) that provide alternating vibrations in the hands, to get your brain to work in both halves.

Amy had her turn last night and I get my turn in three weeks
Our therapist used it to process one negative belief about the relationship. Amy's belief is that "It has to be perfect or it won't work"
She has a belief that everything in her life has to be perfect or it isn't good. She strives for perfection and is unhappy with herself if she does not attain it. This is one of the major problems with our relationship. She feels that our relationship needs to be perfect (and that she shouldn't have to work at it, it should just happen naturally) and part of this perfection is that I should be perfect. Unfortunately, as you all know, no one can be or is perfect.

Along with this, a lot of her stress and unhappiness, is that she needs everything to be perfect. This is not going to happen and she came to the realization that, she need not stop striving for perfection, but realize that it is an unattainable goal and she needs to be happy with whatever level she achieves. It will not be perfect, but it is as close as it gets.

The final problem with this is that I have a feeling of inferiority in my life and in the relationship. This compounds the effects of her need for perfection.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but it is nice to just put it down in words.

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear ignorant,
than open it and remove all doubt!
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