Humorous "useless spells"

Daniel_M · 10-07-2003, 04:02 PM

I've created my own, original list of some scrolls you'll never be finding in any BG game..feel free to add your own if you want.

Power Word: Nil (Power word: kill)
Melf's Minute Maid Orange Juice (Melf's Minute Meateors)
Detect Allusions (for the clueless among us)
Pyrotechnical Difficulties
Tenser's Transformer Action Figures
Symbol: Prince (as in the music artist)
Leomund's Gerbil Cage
Part Hair
Dimension Floor (opens a hole in the ground below you)
Bassmorph (polymorph fish)
Lyre Charm
Hallucinatory Air
Shades, Version II (creates fashionable sunglasses; material component is 400 gp)
Animal-like Cancerous Growth
Passdoor (creates a passage through any doorway)
Transparent Fog
Disenchanted Weapon (it *knows* it will only be around for a day, and it sees no point in fighting before its inevitable disappearance)

Absolute Impunity (doesn't protect against anything, but the mage will arrogantly think he's untouchable)
Hold Dead
Middle Finger Of Death
Mordenkainen's Toothbrush
Wail Of The Banshee (OpenGL spell effects overload your graphics card)
Cause Critical Thinking
Shocking Gasp
Tensor's Transformation (does matrix algebra mid-battle)
Mickey Mantle (Micky Mouse [img]tongue.gif[/img] )
Detect Visibility
Improved Taste (yum..)
Stone To Stone (duhh...)
Protection From Neutral (Why not...theres everything else)
Protection From Freakish Missiles (For those time you get them

)
Farsighted (-4 penalty to caster's AC and THAC0 for nearby enemies)
Windshield-Blue (all who damage the caster must pay his deductible)
Ice Cream Cone Of Cold
Cacaofiend (gates a Planescape:Torment Chocolate Quasit)

Dar'tanian · 10-07-2003, 04:17 PM

hahahah.....uhhh...ok???

Daniel_M · 10-07-2003, 04:18 PM

I was bored...so sue me [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Xen · 10-07-2003, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Daniel_M:
I was bored...so sue me [img]tongue.gif[/img]

They are actually very funny! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Quote:

Melf's Minute Maid Orange Juice (Melf's Minute Meateors)

LOL!

SixOfSpades · 10-07-2003, 04:52 PM

Nahal's Reckless Driving School
Knock, Knock
Invulnerable Absolute Immunity from Magically Mantled Elemental Shield Armor(for the true paranoids among us)
Chef Otiluke's Resilient Mystery Meat
Hold Person's Call
Really Secret Word (nobody knows this spell)
Wizard Nose
Find Family
Glyph of Illegibility
Spell Thrust (displays the letters T-H-R-U-S-T above caster's head)
Remove Shirt
Imprisonment with Parole for Good Behavior
Chaste
Improved Chaste
Command Word: Whine
Chess Champion's Strength
Summon Pygmy Marmoset
Know Gender
Rigid Thinking (innate ability for all Republicans)
Emotion: Ennui
Zone of Sweet Lemon-scented Laundry Detergent
Bigby's Groping Hand
Saul's Searing Migraine
Phantom Blade, new from Gillette
Free Action, except for the restraining order
Raise Head
Repulse Living
Black Blade of Inconvenience
Dental Domination
Terrestrial Servant
Power Word: Blind Date

[ADD:] How could I forget Boo's favorite spell, Shield of the Acorns?

[ 10-07-2003, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: SixOfSpades ]

Daniel_M · 10-07-2003, 05:10 PM

Heheh.. very funny sixofspades

Some more..

Wail of the In-laws
Garden Maze
Time, to go
Shapechange: Three-toed-sloth
Power Word: Holiday
Bigby's Talk-to-the-hand
Repulse Girls
Finger of cheese
Nahal's dont-pass-go-dont-collect-£200

[Edit] Some of these spells would be realy funny if you converted them into the game...

[ 10-07-2003, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Daniel_M ]

Timber Loftis · 10-07-2003, 05:45 PM

My mage wrote a bigby's hand spell. It causes the target's eyes to roll back in its head and a loss of consciousness. Duration is 1 round against males, 2d4 rounds against females. Protection from normal weapons and stoneskin foil the spell. I'd post more here, but it's a little racey. The spell is called Bigby's M****b****g Hand. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Create Drink -- makes pina couatls.
Intoxicate Self
Luck of the Irish -- can only be cast after Intoxicate Self. Gain a +5 on everything you do for 8 hours, but lose 200 gp.
Malfeasor's Kegstand
Slip -- like grease, but affects only the caster. Great for bards.
Abi Dalzim's Horribly Long and Annoying Spell Naming
Bigby's Handshake
Know Measurements -- different information obtained depending on gender of target.
Freedom from Care
Lose Annoying Familiar
Greater Find Familiar
Super Duper You Will Actually Like This Familiar Find Familiar

[ 10-07-2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Timber Loftis ]

Lord · 10-07-2003, 06:11 PM

Those were some nice ones, Six

...Know Gender, lol, that's a tough one to figure out on your own with out a spell [img]tongue.gif[/img]

JrKASperov · 10-08-2003, 02:24 AM

My favourite spell: Locate self - locate yourself relative to your position

Hold self
Create Water Above Head (for aquatic elves)
Black Light (enchants object with black light)
Dominate Self
Mordenkainen's Poor Shelter
Improper Suggestion

(actually, I got some of these from a friend of mine, I believe he found some site)

Zuvio · 10-08-2003, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Daniel_M:
Bigby's Talk-to-the-hand

LoL! OMG, thats just great!

Six: yours where great as well!!

Just watched Fear&Loathing in Las Vegas, sooooo :

Smokeskin
Water Pipe of Disaster
Symbol: Stoned
Mass Intoxication
Prismatic Trip
Khelben's Spacing Trip
Greater Intoxication
Obscured Sight
Protection from UFO's
Misguided
Snorkel
Immunity: Articulation
Cone of Gold
Mouse Trap
Annoy Person
Flame Sparrow
Stinking Methane Cloud

10-07-2003, 04:02 PM	#1
Daniel_M Elminster Join Date: October 17, 2001 Location: London, England Age: 40 Posts: 480	I've created my own, original list of some scrolls you'll never be finding in any BG game..feel free to add your own if you want. Power Word: Nil (Power word: kill) Melf's Minute Maid Orange Juice (Melf's Minute Meateors) Detect Allusions (for the clueless among us) Pyrotechnical Difficulties Tenser's Transformer Action Figures Symbol: Prince (as in the music artist) Leomund's Gerbil Cage Part Hair Dimension Floor (opens a hole in the ground below you) Bassmorph (polymorph fish) Lyre Charm Hallucinatory Air Shades, Version II (creates fashionable sunglasses; material component is 400 gp) Animal-like Cancerous Growth Passdoor (creates a passage through any doorway) Transparent Fog Disenchanted Weapon (it knows it will only be around for a day, and it sees no point in fighting before its inevitable disappearance) Absolute Impunity (doesn't protect against anything, but the mage will arrogantly think he's untouchable) Hold Dead Middle Finger Of Death Mordenkainen's Toothbrush Wail Of The Banshee (OpenGL spell effects overload your graphics card) Cause Critical Thinking Shocking Gasp Tensor's Transformation (does matrix algebra mid-battle) Mickey Mantle (Micky Mouse [img]tongue.gif[/img] ) Detect Visibility Improved Taste (yum..) Stone To Stone (duhh...) Protection From Neutral (Why not...theres everything else) Protection From Freakish Missiles (For those time you get them ) Farsighted (-4 penalty to caster's AC and THAC0 for nearby enemies) Windshield-Blue (all who damage the caster must pay his deductible) Ice Cream Cone Of Cold Cacaofiend (gates a Planescape:Torment Chocolate Quasit) __________________ \"Sarcasm is a sign of genius.\"<br /><br />[url]\"http://www.hellspawnonline.tk\" target=\"_blank\">Hellspawn-Online.tk</a>

10-07-2003, 04:17 PM	#2
Dar'tanian Red Wizard of Thay Join Date: October 26, 2002 Location: USA Age: 34 Posts: 858	hahahah.....uhhh...ok??? __________________ I\'m back boys...

10-07-2003, 04:18 PM	#3
Daniel_M Elminster Join Date: October 17, 2001 Location: London, England Age: 40 Posts: 480	I was bored...so sue me [img]tongue.gif[/img] __________________ \"Sarcasm is a sign of genius.\"<br /><br />[url]\"http://www.hellspawnonline.tk\" target=\"_blank\">Hellspawn-Online.tk</a>

10-07-2003, 04:52 PM	#5
SixOfSpades Dracolisk Join Date: September 16, 2001 Location: Bellingham, WA, USA Age: 46 Posts: 6,901	Nahal's Reckless Driving School Knock, Knock Invulnerable Absolute Immunity from Magically Mantled Elemental Shield Armor(for the true paranoids among us) Chef Otiluke's Resilient Mystery Meat Hold Person's Call Really Secret Word (nobody knows this spell) Wizard Nose Find Family Glyph of Illegibility Spell Thrust (displays the letters T-H-R-U-S-T above caster's head) Remove Shirt Imprisonment with Parole for Good Behavior Chaste Improved Chaste Command Word: Whine Chess Champion's Strength Summon Pygmy Marmoset Know Gender Rigid Thinking (innate ability for all Republicans) Emotion: Ennui Zone of Sweet Lemon-scented Laundry Detergent Bigby's Groping Hand Saul's Searing Migraine Phantom Blade, new from Gillette Free Action, except for the restraining order Raise Head Repulse Living Black Blade of Inconvenience Dental Domination Terrestrial Servant Power Word: Blind Date [ADD:] How could I forget Boo's favorite spell, Shield of the Acorns? [ 10-07-2003, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: SixOfSpades ] __________________ Volothamp's Comeuppance Everything you ever needed to know about the entire Baldur's Gate series......except spoilers.

10-07-2003, 05:10 PM	#6
Daniel_M Elminster Join Date: October 17, 2001 Location: London, England Age: 40 Posts: 480	Heheh.. very funny sixofspades Some more.. Wail of the In-laws Garden Maze Time, to go Shapechange: Three-toed-sloth Power Word: Holiday Bigby's Talk-to-the-hand Repulse Girls Finger of cheese Nahal's dont-pass-go-dont-collect-£200 [Edit] Some of these spells would be realy funny if you converted them into the game... [ 10-07-2003, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Daniel_M ] __________________ \"Sarcasm is a sign of genius.\"<br /><br />[url]\"http://www.hellspawnonline.tk\" target=\"_blank\">Hellspawn-Online.tk</a>

10-07-2003, 05:45 PM	#7
Timber Loftis 40th Level Warrior Join Date: July 11, 2002 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 11,916	My mage wrote a bigby's hand spell. It causes the target's eyes to roll back in its head and a loss of consciousness. Duration is 1 round against males, 2d4 rounds against females. Protection from normal weapons and stoneskin foil the spell. I'd post more here, but it's a little racey. The spell is called Bigby's M**b**g Hand. [img]tongue.gif[/img] Create Drink -- makes pina couatls. Intoxicate Self Luck of the Irish -- can only be cast after Intoxicate Self. Gain a +5 on everything you do for 8 hours, but lose 200 gp. Malfeasor's Kegstand Slip -- like grease, but affects only the caster. Great for bards. Abi Dalzim's Horribly Long and Annoying Spell Naming Bigby's Handshake Know Measurements -- different information obtained depending on gender of target. Freedom from Care Lose Annoying Familiar Greater Find Familiar Super Duper You Will Actually Like This Familiar Find Familiar [ 10-07-2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Timber Loftis ] __________________

10-07-2003, 06:11 PM	#8
Lord Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: June 3, 2003 Location: New York Age: 39 Posts: 3,302	Those were some nice ones, Six ...Know Gender, lol, that's a tough one to figure out on your own with out a spell [img]tongue.gif[/img] __________________ "You're a thief and a liar." "No, I only lied about being a thief."

10-08-2003, 02:24 AM	#9
JrKASperov Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: July 16, 2003 Location: Wa\'eni\'n Age: 38 Posts: 1,701	My favourite spell: Locate self - locate yourself relative to your position Hold self Create Water Above Head (for aquatic elves) Black Light (enchants object with black light) Dominate Self Mordenkainen's Poor Shelter Improper Suggestion (actually, I got some of these from a friend of mine, I believe he found some site) __________________ God is in the rain.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Searching for "Star Blazers" aka "Uchuu Senchen Yamato," or "Space Battleship Yamato"	Skydracgrrl	Entertainment (Movies, TV Shows and Books/Comics)	3	12-17-2004 01:38 PM
Searching for "Star Blazers" aka "Uchuu Senchen Yamato," or "Space Battleship Yamato"	Skydracgrrl	General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)	0	12-02-2004 09:27 PM
Are Fiend Spells "Blood Bath" & "Blood to Gold" Worth the bother of getting??	Robalex	Wizards & Warriors Forum	8	06-05-2004 11:41 PM
"Useless Holy Avenger +6"	Konstantinos Voultsos	Baldurs Gate II: Shadows of Amn & Throne of Bhaal	9	04-24-2002 12:53 PM
Will "Use Any Weapon" and the fortress shield +4 mess up my bard's spells?	Maniac	Baldurs Gate II: Shadows of Amn & Throne of Bhaal	3	02-04-2002 04:42 PM