Cloudy's Corner, TEEHEE!

[Gray Mage]

I hope this isn't over the edge,

A guy with a black eye boards his plane, takes his seat and notices that the
guy next to him also has a black eye. He says to the guy, "What a
coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See I was at the
ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the
world was there. So instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I
accidently said I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh, and that's when she
socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow what a coincidence, mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please
pour me a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, honey. But what I accidentally said
was, "You riuned my life you evil self centered, fat assed bitch!"



------------------

Feel My Power

Arcane Adept of the OHF, "So let it be written, So let it be done"

[Black Knight]

*snicker* heard that one before *snicker* not funny at all *snicker**gaffaw*

BK

[Charean]

The Ultimate In RPG fun:

Top 10 skills you do not want other characters to have.

10) Musical : a bard can invoke this ability to cause everyone with in a 120' + 1' per level radius of the bard to start singing and dancing -
Thapthim

9) The ability to find and point out misspellings and grammatical errors in every sentence other player characters or DM's issue. - ZanShay

8) Skill of Spam Posting! (**Valen shakes his wand of banning and post removal at Taradir**) - Taradir

7) Mimeing - Zaknephin

6) Play Musical Instrument: Accordion (+3 for Polkas) - Reviler

5) Summon Richard Simmons - Mooncaller

4) highly inaccurate fortune telling - DM: (rolls dice) Hmmmm, Marcia awakens from her clairvoyant trance and tells you all that the Duke's
men, whom you all have been running away from for the past few days, don't want to hang you, but actually invite you to the Duke's nephew's
10th birthday - Amrynn Moonshadow

3) Spell of Infectious Papercut - Dukeleto

2) Breath of Doritos - KCR

1) Disco Mastery. In any sane society, this should cause an area-affect Fear with no save, to any intelligent creature in sight. Semi-intelligent
creatures should be affected as a Confuse spell. - Battlepoet


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

[Charean]

This is clean, I swear!


Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.
One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start
walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to
do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister
Logical has not yet arrived.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of
us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I
could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as
fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

Oh, and you thought it was dirty...

[Charean]

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a
downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in
the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window,
and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side
screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face
there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a
little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window
down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and
yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start
laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the
window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden
again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[Charean]

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to
drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install
it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have
to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it
won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do
you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my
car!

[Charean]

BLONDE JOKE!!!

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?", sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these breast implants. I'm not
shooting myself in the chest.'"

"So, then what?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a
loud noise.'
So I put my finger in the other ear and then I pulled the trigger.

[Charean]

Instructions For Your New Device

IMPORTANT!
READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that should
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to: Please, for God's sake, read this owner's
manual carefully before you unpack the device... You already unpacked it,
didn't you ? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddle
with the knobs, didn't you? And now your child, the same one who once
shoved a Polish Sausage into your Video Cassette Recorder and set it to
'Fast Forward' is also fiddling with the knobs, right ? Hell, we might as
well just break these damn things before we ship them out, you know that?
Sorry! We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting
back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in Iced Tea for six days. So, in writing
these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled
with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who
like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. Please inspect
the contents carefully for evidence of spear jabs or bottle caps, pull
tabs, candy wrappers and Lord knows what else.
WARNING: Do not ever, as long as you live, throw away the box or any of
the pieces of styrofoam, especially the ones shaped like peanuts. If you
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single
peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited
by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING'
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
* Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns
You will need to supply:
* a matrix wrench
* 60,000 feet of tram cable.
If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your
spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without
a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why.'
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not
something else.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the plug where one
prong is bigger than the other.
Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new plug whose prongs
consist of six small religious figurines made of chocolate.
Adapters are sold separately and require 16 weeks for delivery. Please
call 1-900-YOU-FOOL for current pricing. (You must be 18 or older to call;
$17.95/minute. Average call duration: 3 hours)
Do not try to plug it in! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but
out of direct sunlight, and clean it first with a damp handkerchief.
Then, give us a call.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING:
We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working parts
are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by Mrs. Shirley
Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to Japan
(or anywhere else for that matter), but has a second cousin who once was.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, we advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking
the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If
this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a
kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with (but not excluding)
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects,
failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and next Thursday
afternoon and shall be repaired/replaced at no cost to the owner. After
that time, a slight service and shipping charge shall apply. Information
on this extended warranty is available from Mr. Lance Haskill of the Last
National Bank's Third Mortgage Department in Last Gasp, Wyoming.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!

[Charean]

New Fall TV Schedule

NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

WB
8:00 7th level of Hell
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman
Husband in Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck

TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora de Goya

CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)

[This message has been edited by Charean (edited 03-20-2001).]

[250]

Chareon, your post CRACKED ME UP!!!!



good work, and thx!