More Monty Python? - Page 5

skywalker · 10-13-2001, 06:38 AM

Ok Davros, you asked for it ! :

Swamp Castle

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

HERBERT: But Mother--

FATHER: Father, lad. Father.

HERBERT: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

HERBERT: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--

FATHER: Rather what?!

HERBERT: I'd rather...

[music]

...just... sing!

FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice,--

HERBERT: Herbert.

FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...

[music]

...a certain,... special... something!

FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!

[smack]

Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes.

[sniff]

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

FATHER: Yes? What is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--

GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--

FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else--

FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince?

FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

FATHER: Right. Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT: But Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

[music]

And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water.

[clank]

[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]

[twong]

Mark

skywalker · 10-13-2001, 06:41 AM

Coconuts!

KING ARTHUR: Whoa there!

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--

SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: We found them.

SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk

SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

SOLDIER #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.

SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?

Mark

Neb · 10-13-2001, 07:04 AM

LOL! ROFL! They're hilarious! Do you find these on the web somewhere? Or do you just watch the movies and write down what they're saying?

------------------
Worshipper of Tiax.
Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells.
Member of the HADB clan.

Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy
General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force.
ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff.

Sorcerer of Lady Lioness' Court.

"If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

skywalker · 10-13-2001, 07:54 AM

The show (in this thread) is over and I guess it is silly to post more here. I was mostly searching the net using google and finding separate pages with scripts to cut and paste. In doing this I found an excellent resource for Monty Python material. It has scripts and also sounds from the shows and 3 of the movies!

Go here if you are interested:

http://www.graphicszone.net/monty_python/index.html

It is the best I've found so far! It's been fun!

Mark

Neb · 10-14-2001, 07:54 PM

How about one last MP, from Life of Brian, either the one where he tries to convince people that he is not the Messiah or where the merchant won't let him go without haggling.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
What Monty Python Character are yo?	Gnarf	General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)	32	04-29-2003 03:56 PM
Monty Python	Morgan_Corbesant	Neverwinter Nights 1 & 2 Also SoU & HotU Forum	6	08-05-2002 01:24 PM
Monty Python	Legolas	General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)	23	12-02-2001 09:06 AM
This Is For Neb (Monty Python Alert)!	skywalker	General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)	17	10-29-2001 03:15 PM
Anyone here like Monty Python?	DragonMage	General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005)	45	09-10-2001 11:48 AM

10-13-2001, 06:38 AM	#41
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	Ok Davros, you asked for it ! : Swamp Castle FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad. HERBERT: But Mother-- FATHER: Father, lad. Father. HERBERT: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands. HERBERT: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather-- FATHER: Rather what?! HERBERT: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing! FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land. FATHER: Listen, Alice,-- HERBERT: Herbert. FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her. FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land! HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something! FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff] FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we-- FATHER: Yes? What is it? GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh-- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... FATHER: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-- FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else-- FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me. GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: The Prince? FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems. FATHER: Right. Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT: But Father! FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing! GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water. [clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong] Mark

10-13-2001, 06:41 AM	#42
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	Coconuts! KING ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through-- SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts? ARTHUR: We found them. SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! SOLDIER #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah. SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SOLDIER #2: Well, why not? Mark

10-13-2001, 07:04 AM	#43
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	LOL! ROFL! They're hilarious! Do you find these on the web somewhere? Or do you just watch the movies and write down what they're saying? ------------------ Worshipper of Tiax. Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells. Member of the HADB clan. Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force. ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff. Sorcerer of Lady Lioness' Court. "If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

10-13-2001, 07:54 AM	#44
skywalker Banned User Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: VT, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,097	The show (in this thread) is over and I guess it is silly to post more here. I was mostly searching the net using google and finding separate pages with scripts to cut and paste. In doing this I found an excellent resource for Monty Python material. It has scripts and also sounds from the shows and 3 of the movies! Go here if you are interested: http://www.graphicszone.net/monty_python/index.html It is the best I've found so far! It's been fun! Mark

10-14-2001, 07:54 PM	#45
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	How about one last MP, from Life of Brian, either the one where he tries to convince people that he is not the Messiah or where the merchant won't let him go without haggling.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)