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Old 11-26-2005, 10:08 AM   #1
Dreamer128
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Join Date: March 21, 2001
Location: Europe
Age: 39
Posts: 6,136
The best parts of one of the best episodes of Blackadder. The British parliament is about to pass a bill that will bankrupt Blackadders ('E') master Prince George ('G'). This because the prince apparantly spends too much money on socks. (which are stolen and sold on the black market by Blackadder) The only way out is committing election fraud to get a majority of parliament on Blackadders hand. I hope this is as enjoyable to read as it is to watch. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Following comes directly from ( http://hem.passagen.se/dunsel/ba3-1.htm ), which also has the complete script of the episode.


E: Now, if I may return to this very urgent matter... I read fearful news in
this morning's paper.

G: Oh no... Not another little cat caught up in a tree...

E: No, sir. There's a vote afoot in the new Parliament to strike you from the
Civil List.

G: Oh, yes, yes, yes, but what are they going to do about my socks!

E: Sir, if this bill goes through, you won't have any socks.

G: Well, I haven't got any socks at the moment!

E: ...or trousers, shirts, waistcoats, or pantaloons. They're going to
bankrupt you.

G: Well, they can't do that. Why, the public love me! Only the other day, I
was out in the street and they sang, `We hail Prince George! We hail Prince
George!'

E: `We *hate* Prince George', sir. `We *hate* Prince George!'

G: Was it?

E: I fear so, sir. However, all is not lost. Fortunately, the numbers in the
Commons are exactly equal. If we can get one more MP to support us, then
you're safe.

G: Well, hurrah! Any ideas?

E: Well, yes, sir. There is one man who might be the ace up our sleeve. A
rather crusty, loudmouthed ace named Sir Talbot Buxomly.

G: Never heard of him.

E: That's hardly surprising, sir. Sir Talbot has the worst attendence record
of any member of Parliament. On the one occasion he did enter the House of
Commons, he passed water in the Great Hall, and then passed *out* in the
Speaker's Chair. But if we can get him to support us, then we are safe.

G: Well, what's he like?

E: Well, according to `Who's Who', his interests include flogging servants,
shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who hasn't
got a knighthood.

G: Excellent! Sensible policies for a happier Britain!

E: However, if we are to get him to support us, he will need some sort of
incentive.

G: Hmm. Anything in mind?

E: Well, you could appoint him a High Court judge...

G: Is he qualified?

E: He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.

G: Sounds a bit *over*qualified... Well, send him here at once!

E: Certainly, sir. I will return before you can say `antidisestablishment-
arianism'.

G: Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that! `Antidistibblincemin...'
`Antimistilinstid...' `Antistits...'

(Two Days Later)

G: Anti-distinctly-minty-(???)...

E: (returns with Buxomly, who staggers)
Your Highness: Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP.

G: Ah, Buxomly! Roaringly splendid to have you here. How are you, sir?

T: Heartily well, Your Highness. I dined hugely off of servants before
I come into town.

G: Um, you eat your servants?

T: No, sir -- I eat *off* them. Why should I spend good money on tables when
I have men standing idle?

G: Why, indeed! Now; I dare say you've heard of Mr. Pitt's intentions...

T: Young scallywag!

G: Ah, so you don't approve of his plans to abolish me, then.

T: I do not, sir. Damn his eyes! Damn his britches! Damn his duck pond!

G: Well, hurrah for that!

T: I care not a jot that you are the son of a certified sauerkraut-sucking
loon!

G: Ah, thank you, sir.

T: It minds not me that you dress like a mad parrot and talk like a plate of
beans negotiating their way out of a cow's digestive system. It is no
skin off my rosy nose that there are bits of lemon peel floating down the
Thames that would make better Regents than you.

G: Well, bravo!

T: The fact is, you *are* Regent...

G: Yes, I am...

T: ...appointed by God, and I shall stick by you forever, though infirmity
lay me waste and ill health curse my every waking moment. (falls into the
chair)

G: Ah, good on you, sir. And don't talk to me about infirmity. Why, sir, you
are the hardy stock that is the core of Britain's greatness. You have the
physique of a demigod. Purple of cheek, and plump of fatlock, the shapely
ankle and the well-filled trouser that tells of a human body in perfect
working order.

E: (who has found T's stillness rather odd and is checking for a pulse)
He's dead, sir.

G: Dead?

E: Yes, Your Highness.

G: Oh, what bad luck; we were rather getting on.

E: We must move at once.

G: In which direction?

E: Sir Talbot represented the constituency of Dunny-on-the-Wold, and, by
an extraordinary stroke of luck, it is a rotten borough.

G: Really! Is it! Well, lucky-lucky us. Lucky-lucky-luck.
(as a chicken) Luck-luck-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-
cluck-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK.

E: You don't know what a rotten borough is, do you, sir.

G: No.

E: So what was the chicken impression in aid of?

G: Well, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings. Erm, so, what is a robber
button?

E: *Rotten borough*.

G: Oh, yes, you're right.

E: A rotten borough, sir, is a constituency where the owner
of the land corruptly controls the both the voters and the MP.

G: Good, yes...and a robber button is...?

E: Could we leave that for a moment? Dunny-on-the-Wold is a tuppenny-
ha'penny place. Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens
with an empty town hall on it. Population: three rather mangy cows, a
dachshund named `Colin', and a small hen in its late forties.

G: So, no people at all, then? apart from Colin...

E: Colin is a dog, sir.

G: Well, yes, yes, yes...

E: Only one actual person lives there, and he is the voter.

G: Well, right! So, what's the plan?

E: We must buy Dunny-on-the-Wold at once and thus control the voter. I shall
need a thousand pounds.

G: A thousand pounds? I thought you said it was a...`tuppenny ha'penny' place.

E: Well, yes, sir, the land will cost tuppence-ha'penny, but there are
many other factors to be considered: (stamp?) duty, window tax, swamp
insurance, hen food, dog biscuits, cow (ointment?) -- the expenses are
endless.

G: Fine. Well, the money's in my desk.

E: No, sir -- it's in my wallet.

G: Oh, splendid! No time to lose, eh?

E: My thoughts presicely, sir. The only question is who to choose as MP.

G: Yeah, tricky.

E: What we need is an utter unknown yet someone over whom we have complete
power. A man with no mind, with no ideas of his own. One might almost
say a man with no brain. (he rings the servant bell)

G: Well...any thoughts?

E: Yes, Your Highness.

(Baldrick enters)

B: You rang, My Lord?

E: (to George) Meet the new member of Parliament for Dunny-on-the-Wold.

G: But he's an absolute arsehead!

E: Precisely, sir. Our slogan shall be: "A rotten candidate for a rotten
borough." Baldrick, I want you to go back to your kitchen sink, you see,
and prepare for government.

Later

At the Election Polls
(announcer, Vincent Hanna, speaks)

H: Good evening and welcome to the Dunny-on-the-Wold bye-election. The first
thing I must tell you is that the turnout has been very good. As a matter
of fact, the voter turned out before breakfast. And I can bring you the
result of our exculsive exit poll, which produced a 100-percent result for
"Mind-Your-Own-Business-You-Nosy-Bastard."

(a voice shouts out): Mr. Hanna, are you going to talk to any of the
candidates?

H: I certainly am, and I can see Prince George, who is leader of what has
become known as the `Adder Party'; Prince George, who is described in his
party news sheet as a "great moral and spiritual leader of the nation," but
is described by almost everyone else as a "fat, flatulent git." (to George)
Prince George, hello.

G: (holding a dachshund) Good evening.

H: ...and good evening, Colin. Er, how do you see your prospects in this
campaign?

G: Well, er, first, I'd like a word about the disgraceful circumstances in
which this election arose. We paid for this seat, and I think it's a damn
liberty that we should have to stand for it as well. And another thing, why
is it that no matter how many pairs of socks a man buys, he never seems to
have enough? (leaves)

H: (Fitting?) words from the Prince Regent. And now let's have a word from
the Adder Party candidate, Mr. S. Baldrick, who so far has not (Baldrick
enters with a turnip in his mouth, the leaves sticking out) commented on
his policies in this campaign, but with him is his election agent, Mr. E.
Blackadder.

E: Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues,
not personalities.

H: Why is that?

E: Because our candidate doesn't have a personality.

H: He doesn't say much about the issues, either.

E: No; he's got something wrong with his throat.

H: Well, perhaps he could answer one question: What does the `S' in his name
stand for?

E: `Sod off'. (leaves)

H: Fair enough, er, none of my business, really. And now it's time, I think,
for a result, and tension is running very high here. Mr. Blackadder assures
me that this will be the first honest vote ever in a rotten borough. And I
think we all hope for a result which reflects the real needs of the
constituency. And behind me...yes, I can just see the Returning Officer
moving to the front of the platform.

E: As the Acting Returning Officer of Dunny-on-the-Wold...

H: (cuts in) Er, the Acting Returning Officer, Mr. E. Blackadder, of course.
And we're all very grateful, indeed, that he stepped in at the last minute,
when the previous Returning Officer accidently brutally stabbed himself
in the stomach while shaving.

E: I now announce the number of votes cast as follows: Brigadier General
Horace Bolsom...

H: (cuts) Cheap-Royalty-White-Rat-Catching-And-Safe-Sewage Residents Party...

E: No votes.

(Bolsom pushes his way off platform)

E: Ivor `Jest-ye-not-madam' Biggun...

H: (cuts) Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed-Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party...

E: No votes.

(Ivor laughs, plays a bazooka (kazoo) in E's ear, laughs more and waves)

E: Pitt, the Even Younger...

H: (cuts) Whig...

E: No votes.

H: Oh, there's a shock.

(Pitt the Even Younger turns to his mum and cries)

E: Mr. S. Baldrick...

H: (cuts) Adder Party...

E: Sixteen thousand, four hundred, and seventy-two.

(Cheers are heard.)

H: And there you have it: victory for the Adder Party -- a sensational swing
against the Whigs. I'll just try to get a final word from some of the
candidates as they come up from the stage. Master William Pitt the Even
Younger, are you disappointed?

P (the Even Younger): (stomps on) Yes! I'm horrified! I smeared my opponent,
bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate
if we lost. I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done.
(stomps off)

H: Quite. Now; Ivor Biggun, no votes at all for the Standing-At-The-Back-
Dressed-Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party. Are you disappointed?

I: Ah, no, not really, no... I always say, "If you can't laugh, what *can*
you do?" Ha-ha-ha-ha (squirts Hanna with flower).

H: ...take up politics, perhaps. Has your party got any policies?

I: Oh yes, certainly! We're for the compulsory serving of asparagus at break-
fast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery.

H: Now, you see, many moderate people would respect your stand on asparagus,
but what about this extremist nonsense about abolishing slavery?

I: Oh, we just put that in for a joke! See you next year!

H: And now, finally, a word with the man who is at the centre of this bye-
election mystery: the voter himself. And his name is Mr. E. Bla--
Mr. Blackadder, *you* are the only voter in this rotten borough...?

E: Yes, that's right.

H: How long have you lived in this constituency?

E: Since Wednesday morning. I took over the previous electorate when he, very
sadly, accidently brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.

H: One voter, 16,472 votes -- a slight anomaly...?

E: Not really, Mr. Hanna. You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's
been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brillant
politician. The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection of how
firmly I believe in his policies.

H: Well, that's excellent. Er, well, that's all for me -- another great day
for democracy in our country. Vincent Hanna; Country Gentleman's Pig
Fertilizer Gazette; Dunny-on-the-Wold.


At Baldrick/Blackadder's Quarters

E: Your reprieve (puts something on table). It is a triumph for stupidity
over common sense.

B: Thank you very much.

E: As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday... Did you enjoy it?
Right; on your way.


[ 11-26-2005, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Dreamer128 ]
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Old 11-26-2005, 10:10 AM   #2
Sir Degrader
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Join Date: November 3, 2001
Location: Canada
Age: 63
Posts: 2,871
Good find, Blackadder is still my favourite British Comedy program. The final/last episode was great. Sad, but great. THIS time period however, is just bloody hilarious.
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Old 11-26-2005, 10:22 AM   #3
Szass-Tam
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Age: 32
Posts: 328
The First World War series is my favorite by far. I remember watching the entire last series on a coach on a Battlefields trip to Belgium, classic.
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Old 11-26-2005, 12:46 PM   #4
Brayf
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I have the Blackadder Goes Forth series on VCR, I must watch it again soon. I always get upset at the end, though .
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