Studying the Ephrix and contemplating your navel

[John D Harris]

New Definitions To Learn

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red
when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his
way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen,
and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look
fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you
know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that
isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's
coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted
access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and
places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead
of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult
so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

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Subject: A Lawyer to Love!


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note hat the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisianawas purchased, by the U.S., from Francein 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spainby Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to Indiaby the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we AND the FHA know it .

I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.
*****************
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY???

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
***************
A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired of him.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going
to steal Henry!"
***********************
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Texas Tech was overheard
saying, "If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Texas.
Everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the
civilized world!"
***********************
The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
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NEWS FLASH! - Bryan, Texas----Texas worst air disaster occurred when
a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M University
students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in College Station. Texas.
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect
the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.
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A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper
asked, "You got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"