Someone Stop Me While There Is Still Time...

[skywalker]

For Saz!


The Funniest Joke in the World

The cast:

VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
COMMENTATOR
Terry Jones
INSPECTOR
Graham Chapman
COLONEL
Graham Chapman
CORPORAL
Terry Jones
NAZI
John Cleese
OFFICER
Michael Palin
OTTO
Graham Chapman
GERMAN JOKER
Eric Idle
GERMAN GUARD
Terry Gillam
GERMAN GENERAL
Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)
Voice Over : This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices thepiece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.

Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)

Generals: Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes· Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.


SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)

Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)

Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi: Gott in Himell; that's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi: Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)

Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

(They stop tickling him)

Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto: We let you know.

(He shoots him.
Film of German scientists.)

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)

Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'.

Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)

Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[Blade]

ROFLMAO thoes are great! Keep them comming although i hope you don't have to type all thoes out.

------------------

All blades cut, be they made from metal or wood, but the sharpest and deadliest blade is the one of knowledge.

An Archmage of the HADB

[skywalker]

Not to worry about the typing!


Self-defence against Fresh Fruit

The cast:

COLONEL
Graham Chapman
SERGEANT MAJOR
John Cleese
FIRST MAN
Graham Chapman
SECOND MAN
Michael Palin
THIRD MAN
Terry Jones
SINGER
Eric Idle
MAN
John Cleese

The sketch:

Colonel: get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!
Sargeant: (Shouting throughout) Right sir! Good evening, class.

All: (mumbling) Good evening.

Sargeant: Where's all the others, then?

All: They're not here.

Sergeant: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All: Dunno.

1st Man: Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sergeant: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

2nd Man: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sergeant: What do you mean?

3rd Man: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sergeant: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

2nd Man: Can't we do something else?

3rd Man: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sergeant: What?

1st Man: We done the passion fruit.

2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

3rd Man: Whole and segments.

2nd Man: Pomegranates, greengages...

1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit...

2nd Man: Lemons...

3rd Man: Plums...

1st Man: Mangoes in syrup...

Sergeant: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sergeant: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sergeant: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sergeant: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

2nd Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sergeant: Shut up.

4th Man: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sergeant: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

1st Man: 'Arrison.

Sergeant: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

1st Man: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sergeant: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

2nd Man: You shot him!

3rd Man: He's dead!

4th Man: He's completely dead!

Sergeant: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

2nd Man: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sergeant: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

3rd Man: But you told him to.

Sergeant: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

4th Man: And pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up.

2nd Man: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sergeant: Run for it.

3rd Man: You could stand and scream for help.

Sergeant: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

3rd Man: A pineapple?

Sergeant: Where? Where?

3rd Man: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sergeant: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

3rd Man: What, on the pineapple?

Sergeant: Where? Where?

3rd Man: No, I was just repeating it.

Sergeant: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

3rd Man: Thompson.

Sergeant: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

3rd Man: No.

Sergeant: Why not?

3rd Man: You'll shoot me.

Sergeant: I won't.

3rd Man: You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sergeant: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

4th Man: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

3rd Man: Throw the gun away.

Sergeant: I haven't got a gun.

3rd Man: You have.

Sergeant: Haven't.

3rd Man: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sergeant: Oh, that gun.

3rd Man: Throw it away.

Sergeant: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun.

3rd Man: You were going to shoot me!

Sergeant: I wasn't.

3rd Man: You were!

Sergeant: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

3rd Man: Aaagh.

Sergeant: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

2nd Man: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sergeant: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

2nd Man: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sergeant: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

4th Man: Like what?

Sergeant: Shootin' him?

2nd Man: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sergeant: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

2nd Man: No guns.

Sergeant: No.

2nd Man: No 16-ton weights.

Sergeant: No.

4th Man: No pointed sticks.

Sergeant: Shut up.

2nd Man: No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sergeant: No.

2nd Man: And you won't kill us.

Sergeant: I won't.

2nd Man: Promise.

Sergeant: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

2nd & 4th Men: Oh, all right.

Sergeant: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sergeant: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...

(Explosion.)


Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[skywalker]

The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch /
Court (Phrasebook)

The cast:

HUNGARIAN
John Cleese
CLERK
Terry Jones
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Set: A tobacconist's shop.)
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes....

A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Clerk: Sorry?

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.

Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).

Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.

Clerk: Sorry?

Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels

(pretends to strike a match).

Clerk: Ahh, matches!

Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.

Hungarian: You great poof.

Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.

Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.

Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Hungarian punches the clerk.

Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

Cop: What's going on here then?

Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?

Clerk: He hit me!

Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)

Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

Cast:

Judge: Terry Jones
Bailiff: Eric Idle
Lawyer: John Cleese
Cop: Graham (still)
Publisher: Michael Palin
Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!

(voices sing out the name several times)

Judge: Oh, shut up!

Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?

Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.

Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?

Publisher: I am.

Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?

Publisher: Not guilty.

Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.

Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?

Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.

Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?

Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.

Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?

Publisher: Yes.

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!

(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)

Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.

Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.

Publisher: I did.

Bailiff: I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."

Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.

Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?

Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!

(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.)

Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?

Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.

(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)

Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.

Should I stop?

Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[Sazerac]

Keep 'em coming, Mark, if you can! OMG, I'm in stitches! Too funny! Keep 'em coming!!!



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[skywalker]

The Tale Of The Piranha Brothers


Voice Over: And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television. Just started on BBC2, the semi final of Episode 3 of 'Kierkegaard's Journals', staring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount and Billy Bremner, and on BBC1, 'Ethel the Frog'

(Introduction sort of music with Caption 'ETHEL THE FROG' Cut to Presenter sitting behind desk)

Presenter: Good evening. On 'Ethel the Frog' tonight we look at violence The violence of British Gangland. Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in this small house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.

Mrs Simmel: Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot.

Interviewer: Was it a terribly violent area

Mrs Simmel: Oh no......yes. Cheerful and violent. I remember Doug was very keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism.

Presenter: At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called 'The Operation'... They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the turning point.

(Cut to Superintendent Organs - Subtitle: Harry 'Snapper' Organs)

Organs: Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which the called 'The Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, we in Q Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour supplements.

Presenter: One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Vince: Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.

Interviewer: He nailed your head to the floor?

Vince: At first yeah

Presenter: Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.

Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.

Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.

Interviewer: Why?

Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.

Interviewer: What had you done?

Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.

Interviewer: And you don't bear him a grudge?

Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.

Interviewer: I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table. Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?

Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stig: Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair

(Cut back to vince)

Interviewer: Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again

Vince: Yeah.....after that I used to go round his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor

Interviewer: Every Sunday?

Vince: Yeah but he was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday, when my parents were coming round for tea I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.

Presenter:Clearly Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear among his business associates. But what was he really like?

Gloria:I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang leaders,

Interviewer (off screen): How had he met them?

Gloria:Through his work for charities. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations and the Grenadier Guards.

Interviewer:Was there anything unusual about him?

Gloria: I should say not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Spiny Norman'.

Interviewer: How big was Norman supposed to be?

Gloria: Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin.

Interviewer: Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs together?

Gloria: Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. He was a gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

Presenter: But what do the criminologists think? We asked The Amazing Kargol and Janet:

Ciminologist: It is easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply dream of doing... I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bugger.

Presenter: Most of the strange tales concern Dinsdale, but what about Doug? One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.

Vercotti: I had been running a successful escort agency -- high class, no really, high class girls -- we didn't have any of *that* -- that was right out. And I decided (phone rings) Excuse me (he answers phone) Hello......no, not now......shtoom...shtoom....right......yes, we'll have the watch ready for you at midnight.......the watch.....the Chinese watch....yes, right-oh, bye-bye.....mother (he hangs up phone) Anyway I decided to open a high class night club for the gentry at Biggleswade with International cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts -- that was right out, I deny that completely --, and one evening in walks Dinsdale with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I had bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it.

2nd Interviewer: How much did they want?

Vercotti: They wanted three quarters of a million pounds.

2nd Interviewer: Why didn't you call the police?

Vercotti: Well I had noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area. So a week later they called again and told me the cheque had bounced and said... I had to see... Doug.

2nd Interviewer: Doug?

Vercotti: Doug (takes a drink) Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.

2nd Interviewer: What did he do?

Vercotti: He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He was vicious.

Presenter: By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha brothers by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of England. It was in February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake.

Gloria: Latterly Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.

Presenter: And so on Feb 22nd 1966, Dinsdale blew up Luton. (shot of a H-Bomb exploding) Even the police began to sit up and take notice.

(Cut back to 'Harry Snapper' Organs)

Organs: The Piranhas realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. I decided on a subtle approach, viz some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester from 'King Lear'. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in 'Toad of Toad Hall'. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in 'Man of la Mancha' which the 'Bristol Evening Post' described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the 'Bath Chronicle' was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote...

Voice Over: As for the performance of Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.

Organs (off screen):The 'Western Daily News' said......

Voice over (John Cleese): 'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of 'What's all this then?'

***************** TV Series version continues as follows *******************

(Cut to back stage dressing room where Harry 'Snapper' Organs and a Policeman are doing their makeup in front of mirrors)

Policeman: Never mind Snapper love you can't win 'em all

Organs: True constable. Could I have my eye-liner please?

2nd Policeman: Telegram for you love

Organs: Good-oh Bet it's from Binkie

2nd Policeman: Those flowers are for Sergant Lauderdale - from the gentleman waiting outside

Organs: Oh good

(There is a knock at the door. A man pokes his head in)

Man: Thirty seconds superintendent

Organs: Oh blimey, I'm on. Is me hat on straight constable?

Policeman: Oh it's fine

Organs: Right here we go then Hawkins

Policeman : Oh, merde superintendent

Organs: Good luck then

(Cut to exterior of Police Station. 'Snapper' and Policeman walk down stairs and then along pavement. Mr Teabag - Minister of Silly Walks - walks by. Cut to a Newspaper seller) Newspaper Seller: Read all about it Piranha brothers escape (Cut to suburban street, with people clearing the streets very fast. Cut to a picture of an empty street. A very large hedgehog peers over the houses looking for Dinsdale) Hedgehog: Dinsdale? Dinsdale? Dinsdale?

Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[skywalker]

Originally posted by DragonMage: And isn't the 'fish slapping' a Monty Python skit also? If so - post that one, too! I'm an addict - I'll never get enough!

The Fish-Slapping Dance

(An animated item ends with a sign saying 'And now, the Fish Slapping Dance'.)

(Cut to a quayside. John and Michael, dressed in tropical gear and solar topees. John stands still while Michael dances up and down before him to the jolly music of Edward German. Michael holds two tiny fish and from time to time in the course of the dance he slaps John lightly, across the cheeks with them. The music ends; Michael stops dancing. John produces a huge fish and swipes Michael with it. Michael falls off the quay into the water.)

(ANIMATION: underwater. We see an animated Michael sinking. He is swallowed by a fish with a swastika on its side.)

Nazi Fish: (with bad German accent) Welcome aboard, Britisher pig. Quite a little surprise, ja? But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us all you know about certain allied shipping routes, ja? Come on, talk!

(The Nazi fish is swallowed by a fish with an RAF emblem.)

British Fish: (with bad British accent) Hello, Fritz. Tables seem to have turned, old chap, let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh? Come on, Fritz, now tell us - tell us about...

(The British fish is swallowed by a Chinese fish.)

Chinese Fish: (with terrible Chinese accent) Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog; very sorry but must inform you, you are now prisoner of People's Republic. Second Voice: Am very sorry, comrade commando, but have just picked up capitalist ship on ladar scanner.

(The Chinese fish bites the underside of a large ship. Film of big liner sinking in storm. General panic and dramatic music which leads into the World War 1 Sketch)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You can download a video of the Fish Slapping dance here:

http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_video/


Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[skywalker]

Originally posted by Neb: How about the "How to defend yourselves against a man armed with fresh fruit" sketch? Or the "How not to be seen" one?

This one's for you Neb!


'How Not to Be Seen'

The sketch:

Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees. Voice Over (John Cleese): In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.
(Caption on screen: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')

Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please

In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland

Voice Over: In this picture we canot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.

To the right of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle

Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

The bush explodes and you hear a muffled scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes

Voice Over: Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown up) Yes it was the middle one.

Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water butt, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance

Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach accross the sea

Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwading address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.

The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front

Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his boots. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where he lived (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). so did the gentleman who lived here....(shot of a house - it blows up) and here.....(another building blows up) and of course here.....(a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)


Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[skywalker]

And One more for Saz!

Beethoven's Mynah Bird


(Cut to Beethoven's living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)

Beethoven: You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.

Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger...

Beethoven: Shut up!

Mynah: Right in the wing.

Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel... I never get any peace here.

(He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs Beethoven enters.)

Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig!

Beethoven: What?

Mrs Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?

Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.

Mrs Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl.

Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.

(Mrs Beethoven comes back in.)

Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?

Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!

Mrs Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.

Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.

Mrs Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes)

Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!

(Mrs Beethoven comes in again.)

Mrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?

Beethoven: What!!!!

Mrs Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER...

Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!

Mrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?

Beethoven: I don't care!!

Mrs Beethoven: Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out)

Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs Beethoven charges in with a very load vacuum) Mein lieber Gott in Himreel. What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and banging comes from the wall) What's that! What's that!

Mrs Beethoven: (still vacuuming loudly) It's the plumber!

(A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)

Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.

Mrs Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets.

Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.


Mark

Newest and Humbly Prideful (?) Member of the Illuminati

[Mouse]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah - the greatness of the Pythons - here's one that really dates the show (these days I drink lots of top notch Australian wine )

Australian Table Wines


A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a pity, as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palette, but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

'Black Stump Bordeaux' is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured Burgundy, whilst a good 'Sydney Syrup' can rank with any of the world's best sugary wines.

'Chateau Bleu', too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and its lingering afterburn.

'Old Smokey, 1968' has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Australian wino society thouroughly recommends a 1970 'Coq du Rod Laver', which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: 8 bottles of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is 'Perth Pink'. This is a bottle with a message in, and the message is BEWARE!. This is not a wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting wine is 'Melbourne Old-and-Yellow', which is particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of 'Chateau Chunder', which is an Appelachian controle, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans will also go for a 'Hobart Muddy', and a prize winning 'Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga', which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

------------------
Regards



Mouse
(Occasional crooner and all round friendly Scottish rodent)



[This message has been edited by Mouse (edited 10-10-2001).]