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Old 08-10-2001, 12:24 AM   #51
J.J.
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated
by physicians... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but
her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he
stands with the
help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank
to
dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions
in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with
a
picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
gradually
deteriorated in the emergency
room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out
of
gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like
to
work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
J.J. is offline  
Old 08-10-2001, 12:26 AM   #52
J.J.
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniac Loser Kills Beloved Family Pet."



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
J.J. is offline  
Old 08-10-2001, 12:29 AM   #53
J.J.
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Montana, USA
Age: 60
Posts: 1,217
On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married, a devout Catholic
couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's
gate
waiting on St. Peter to do their intake interview. While waiting, they
wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven since they weren't
able
to get married on earth.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know,
this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and
he
leaves.

The couple sits and waits--and waits--and waits. Two months into their
waiting, the couple begins to wonder if they really should get married
in
Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't
work
out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" The couple waits-and
waits.

Finally, after a third month passes, St. Peter returns looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we
also
get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest
up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer?"



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
J.J. is offline  
 


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