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Old 03-31-2001, 08:06 AM   #211
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
The Dentist

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He
noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story
as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to
hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in,
and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right
onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the

big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure,
he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed,

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!


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Old 03-31-2001, 08:10 AM   #212
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD>

* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
* You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home
* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
* The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
* Honk If Anything Falls Off
* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
* You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
* If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A
Jeep]
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
* Boldly Going Nowhere
* Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch


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Old 03-31-2001, 08:11 AM   #213
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon
discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very
intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first
editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the
gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me
with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is
removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion
and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand
violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world."

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."


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Old 03-31-2001, 08:20 AM   #214
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Folks in the big cities will really get this!!

How To Gain Status And Intimidate People
Jeffrey Shaffer and Suzy Blackaby, The Wall Street Journal, Nov 26 1984

Are you losing the race to keep up with the Joneses? Or worse, do you feel as if it just isn't worth the effort anymore? Don't be discouraged. Confidence is the key to success in any endeavor, but achieving just the right balance of competitive desire and cool self-assurance can be tricky. So is projecting an image that will awe your subordinates and mystify your rivals. It's especially difficult when your personal budget demands that you exist on a diet of baked beans and generic cola. We think we've solved the problem with a list of tips that will get your confidence level back up to par, at minimum personal expense. Just remember that moxie can be as important as money when it comes to looking good.

1. Carry a foreign-language newspaper in your briefcase. When sitting at a bar, take out the paper and scan the pages with a serious expression. It's important to pick a difficult language for the gambit, something other than French, German or Spanish. Those could get you in trouble if some exchange student calls your bluff.

2. Keep an old telephone in your car under the front seat. When driving, hold the receiver up to your ear and act as if you were talking to someone on the other end. If stopped at a busy intersection, roll down your window so pedestrians can hear the conversation. Then, in a loud, demanding voice, say things such as, "Tell Harris we need that building! Tell him to offer 50 million, straight cash, whatever it takes!"

3. Use expensive containers to dispose of household trash. When you visit a store such as Neiman-Marcus (we buy all of our pencils there) pick up a couple of extra shopping bags. Several times a month you should fill one with garbage and place it on the curb with your other household rubbish. Make sure the name of the store is clearly visible from the street.

4. Wear T-shirts commemorating fantastic events of physical endurance. Most towns now have these stores where you can print messages on shirts. Simply order one up with the inscription, "Snow Madness Run, Butte-Great Falls December 1981." When people ask why they've never heard about such a grueling race, say, "Oh, we only ran it once, 12 of us got together and just went for it. Never could get any sane group to sanction it."

5. Mount extra clocks on your office walls. Label each one with the name of an international capital (Lima, Bonn, Canberra) and check them periodically when talking with a client.

6. Keep mysterious items in the glove compartment of your car. Instead of the usual mess of tissues, loose change and old sunglasses, you should have at least two of the following articles: a slide rule, a map of
the London subway system, an English-Swahili dictionary, a small jar of litmus paper or a prism. When a passenger discovers the items, shrug and say something like, "Oh, just some things for this project I'm
thinking about..." and then close the compartment smartly, to show the conversation is not going any further.

7. Print your own wine labels. This is fairly risky and is a ploy that should only be used when you really want to play hardball. Grab a few bottles of your favorite generic vintage from the local Econo-Mart,
soak the labels off and paste on your own. Getting them designed shouldn't be difficult. Chances are that you know of a graphic artist who's struggling to the same degree as yourself. For a small fee or a large lasagna, he or she can come up with a private reserve label just for you, from folksy wine cellar to expensive foreign vineyards, to suit any occasion.
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Old 04-02-2001, 12:38 AM   #215
JJ/newbie
Guest
 

Posts: n/a
"Great Lines from Job Evaluations"

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been,
but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only
to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He set low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere
of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner
he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard
was not looking.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing
to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than
an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in
IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he
was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but
the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one
is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
you will get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you
can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm.

29. On neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge,
he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60
minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only
out of morbid curiosity.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I Am (about the only one left) The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies' Guild (in training)
 
Old 04-03-2001, 09:48 AM   #216
Black Knight
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Delaware OH USA
Age: 47
Posts: 3,168
Disclamer: Not an attempt to anger anyone with a different accent from my own.

You'll READ IT TWICE!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses
come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they
come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady
idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a just a tellin' my frienda
how to spella 'Mississippi'."

------------------

The Black Storm Cloud of the Night
PartTime Bartender of Moon Hope's Inn
Dry Humor Deliverance of the Laughing Hyenas
Captain of the Knights of the Golden Dragons
3 Man for Life
Official Reader of Reeka's Signature
Official Drooler over Sigs, Pics, and JPEGs, oh my
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Old 04-06-2001, 12:09 AM   #217
JJ/newbie
Guest
 

Posts: n/a
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to
sample a new discount item-Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's
largest
retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to
produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in
Bristol, R.I., "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she
said. "The right name is important."

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCAbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

and the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To
And...
Because Sometimes They're Wrapped Too Tight, I Am (about the only one left) The Resident Corset Loosener Of The Moon's Hope Inn Ladies' Guild (in training)
 
 


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