I Make Your Life Better

Beaumanoir · 02-02-2005, 01:44 PM

Just Follow these simple tips, submitted by my readers:

Attach 2 Squares of carpet to you feet to get the 'carpeted all thru the house feel'
Anon.

Fool ants into thinking they've been invaded by 'war of the worlds' type aliens, by simply placing an upturned plug near the entrance to their nest!
Anon.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs to make them walk like robots.
J Carr

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.

Sir Degrader · 02-02-2005, 01:54 PM

Nice one the ofam one is practical!

Aragorn1 · 02-02-2005, 01:57 PM

Very good!

Beaumanoir · 02-02-2005, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sir Degrader:
Nice one the ofam one is practical!

So is the pop-tart one.

Q'alooaith · 02-02-2005, 02:32 PM

Well not so practical, at 50 pence per shirt that quickly mounts up..

Also, they've stopped ironing them before selling.

The moth one with a few adaptations could be far more usfull, esp for people with flutter phobia, as you could quickly clear a room of nasty moths by simply plascing a bucket with a torch stuck at the side in the room and turning the lights off, thus making them all crash into the light and fall into the water..

Melusine · 02-02-2005, 03:04 PM

Aaah, welcome to Ironworks, where even the least subtle form of sarcasm is bludgeoned to death with the dull hammer of the unimaginative humourless.

[ 02-02-2005, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Melusine ]

Sir Degrader · 02-02-2005, 04:29 PM

Wuts sarcasm?

Vaskez · 02-02-2005, 05:00 PM

I wonder how many brain cells died while reading that? R.I.P.

VulcanRider · 02-02-2005, 08:00 PM

A trained hedgehog for serving cheeze, eh? I'd swear that was in a Far Side cartoon. Made me laugh then, too...

02-02-2005, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Melusine:
Aaah, welcome to Ironworks, where even the least subtle form of sarcasm is bludgeoned to death with the dull hammer of the unimaginative humourless.

Alright Mel, you owe me one pair of clean shorts... I've soiled these laughing.

02-02-2005, 01:44 PM	#1
Beaumanoir Iron Throne Cult Join Date: June 3, 2001 Location: There is no IRL, Only AFK. Age: 35 Posts: 4,896	Just Follow these simple tips, submitted by my readers: Attach 2 Squares of carpet to you feet to get the 'carpeted all thru the house feel' Anon. Fool ants into thinking they've been invaded by 'war of the worlds' type aliens, by simply placing an upturned plug near the entrance to their nest! Anon. Put Smarties tubes on cats legs to make them walk like robots. J Carr Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. B Villbens, Birmingham. A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. L Traintu, Clarkesville. Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool L17. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. G. Dorson, Skipton. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Phil Wasey, Liverpool. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln. Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have. Andy Hodgeson, Manchester. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. S Goldhanger, Fulchester. Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. B Reastford, Iranville, Notts. Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. Kate Emblen, Uxbridge Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. D Duckham, Didford. Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. Mr T. Eebly, Warstead. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. W. T. Conqueror, Hastings. Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. I. K. Brunel, Bristol. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. Neil Davis, e-mail. __________________ My pokemon bring all the boys to the yard, and they're like; you wanna trade cards? Damn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my Charizard.

02-02-2005, 02:32 PM	#5
Q'alooaith Emerald Dragon Join Date: December 10, 2003 Location: UK Age: 40 Posts: 961	Well not so practical, at 50 pence per shirt that quickly mounts up.. Also, they've stopped ironing them before selling. The moth one with a few adaptations could be far more usfull, esp for people with flutter phobia, as you could quickly clear a room of nasty moths by simply plascing a bucket with a torch stuck at the side in the room and turning the lights off, thus making them all crash into the light and fall into the water.. __________________ -Jenn

02-02-2005, 03:04 PM	#6
Melusine Dracolisk Join Date: January 8, 2001 Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands Age: 43 Posts: 6,541	Aaah, welcome to Ironworks, where even the least subtle form of sarcasm is bludgeoned to death with the dull hammer of the unimaginative humourless. [ 02-02-2005, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Melusine ] __________________ [img]\"hosted/melusine.jpg\" alt=\" - \" /><br />Your voice is ambrosia

02-02-2005, 05:00 PM	#8
Vaskez Takhisis Follower Join Date: April 30, 2001 Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now) Posts: 5,089	I wonder how many brain cells died while reading that? R.I.P. __________________ Too set in his ways to ever relate If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray

02-02-2005, 08:00 PM	#9
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 59 Posts: 1,971	A trained hedgehog for serving cheeze, eh? I'd swear that was in a Far Side cartoon. Made me laugh then, too... __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

02-02-2005, 01:54 PM	#2
Sir Degrader Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: November 3, 2001 Location: Canada Age: 63 Posts: 2,871	Nice one the ofam one is practical!

02-02-2005, 01:57 PM	#3
Aragorn1 Symbol of Cyric Join Date: July 3, 2001 Location: Cornwall England Age: 36 Posts: 1,197	Very good!

02-02-2005, 04:29 PM	#7
Sir Degrader Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: November 3, 2001 Location: Canada Age: 63 Posts: 2,871	Wuts sarcasm?

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