Chapt. 1 of a story by me - comments please!

Kaz · 10-04-2001, 02:08 PM

This is the first part of a story by me. I might write more, I haven't decided yet. Please post your comments and constructive (!) criticism.
Sorry for the length of the post.

Controlling weather is difficult and takes much power, so it is almost impossible to use on a large scale... Zaratha closed the leather-bound book with a sigh. Another dead end. She looked the next book lying on the table, titled Weather Spells, and closed her eyes. She should read that book next, but she couldn't concentrate. Zaratha stood up and walked around the room. It was small but full. A small bed stood in one corner, bookshelves lined the walls. There was one polished wooden table standing at one side of the room, also covered with books. A matching chair was standing in front of it. A chest near the wall held clothes, herbs, and other useful things. There was a vase on the chest, however the flowers it held were dried. There had been no rain for a long time. The Council of Nine would be meeting right now, deciding on a mage to investigate the unnatural drought. Zaratha silently wished the one chosen luck, the drought had lasted for months now.
Anybody coming into the room would immediately notice one thing: the size of everything.The chair and the table seemed like toys, as did the bed. The clothes lying near the bed looked like children's clothes, the staff leaning against the wall was also half as long as a normal staff. Looking at the room, one got the impression that everything was normal, save that the windows were too large, the bookshelves too high and the books themselves seemed more like massive grimoires than normal books. There were several footstools, apparently to help the room's inhabitant reach the top of the bookshelves. To others, the scene would seem strange and skewed. To Zaratha, it was home.
The young elf paced back and forth. She couldn't think, she'd been trying to find a solution to the problem of the drought for months now. Every single book she'd read had told her the same thing: Controlling weather needed a lot of power on a small scale, it was impossible on a large scale.
Zaratha brushed long black hair away from her face. She was tiny even for an elf - less than half as tall as an average human - and very sensitive about it. She rarely left her chambers nowadays, preferring to have food brought by a servant. In the halls, she could feel the stares of the other mages, despite her having lived here all her life. She'd been found on the steps outside as a baby twenty years ago - it was still common practice for people to leave unwanted babies outside of official buildings. Even now, two or three babies were found outside the University each year. They were taken in by the mages, fed, educated and encouraged to leave as soon as they could exist independently. Zaratha had been one of the few who had actually had magical talent, so instead of leaving, she'd stayed on - first as a student, then as a full mage. She'd always been interested in research and had therefore joined the Elji order of mages, an order that devoted its time to the study of esoteric subjects. However, the last few months they'd been trying to find a spell to end the drought. The drought had begun five months ago. All of a sudden, there was no rain. It simply stopped. Over the months, rivers had dwindled and springs had gone dry. At the same time it was very cold, although it was the height of summer. The University had not been affected as badly as others, yet one still felt the effects of the unnatural weather everywhere. Zaratha sighed, sat down in the well-used chair, and carefully opened the next book.
Suddenly someone knocked on the door. Zaratha turned around. "Come in." She stood up, resting her hands on her hips. The door opened, and a man came in. He was tall, well-muscled and was wearing armor showing the Shitai-rune, the symbol of the University. He was wearing a hilted sword and had a helmet, bearing the three red plumes that showed he was an officer, under his arm. He was almost three times as tall as she was and looked askance at the tiny, childlike mage in red robes. "Er… I'd like to speak to the Elji Mage Zaratha, please," he said. "Yes, that's me," snapped Zaratha, silently adding, and it's not my fault I look like a short halfling, thank you very much.
"Um… the Council of Nine wishes to inform you that you have been chosen to investigate the causes of the drought," said the officer, still staring at the small elf. "What?" Zaratha coughed. "This is a joke, right?" "No, it is not a joke!" the soldier barked. "Why me? I mean, I'm a researcher. Why in all the world should I be the one to go out and try to stop the drought? I have no practical experience in this sort of thing whatsoever!" Zaratha said, trying to keep calm. "If you'll follow me to the Council of Nine, they'll tell you what to do and why they chose you," the soldier replied. "All right," Zaritha snapped, fuming. She stood up and strode out of the room, followed by the soldier.

------------------

Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB
Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe
Guardian of the Temple of Aerie (specialized in GenCon and BG)
Most Illustrious Arch-Magess of the Illuminati
Lux omnis est

DragonMage · 10-04-2001, 02:21 PM

OOOOooooh, Kaz, very nice beginning. You have set the stage well. I won't even bother to nitpick about paragraphing because I don't often paragraph in the forum, just remember to do so in printed form. It will make it easier to follow.

Absolutely wonderful, keep it coming.

------------------

The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c)

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.
Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

10-04-2001, 02:23 PM

oOoOoOoHhHhHhH gOoD

------------------

<font color=cyan>HADB Clan Rulz

Talthyr Malkaviel · 10-04-2001, 03:30 PM

BRAVO! *whistle* *clap*

It's good to see yet another talented writer in this forum, wow, all that talent!

------------------
Resident cantankerous sorcerer of the Clan HADB
and Sorcerous Nuttella salesman of the O.R.T

Long live HADB!!!

'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger'

Encard · 10-04-2001, 07:30 PM

Hmm... pretty nice. It's a good begining.

------------------
The Eternal ChAos-bringer of

HADB

CCCCCCcccccccHHHHHHHHhhhhhhAAAAAAAaaaaaaaOOOOOOOoo oooooSSSSSSSsssssss.............

[This message has been edited by Encard (edited 10-04-2001).]

Mirac Honorguard · 10-06-2001, 08:47 AM

Very nice, this will make an good beginning. Now for the comments : (all comments I give are just my personal opinion )
You have a very good telling-style, keep it that way. If you want to make a full scale fantasy story btw, I would change "modern words" like university, it reminds me (personal opinion!!!!) to much of the time we live in now, in real life. Well, you have a great beginning, keep the good work up

------------------

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg2/mirac
I'd be Mirac, mighty mage of er... uhm.. er.. - Mirac Honorguard
Fellow Table Dancer of the Jerome's Table dancer group
Spell formulater of the IW peace-keeping force

[This message has been edited by Mirac Honorguard (edited 10-06-2001).]

Neb · 10-06-2001, 08:55 AM

Well written Kaz! You've got real talent, how much of this story have you written so far?

------------------
Worshipper of Tiax.
Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells.
Member of the HADB clan.

Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy
General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force.
ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff.

"If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

Avatar · 10-06-2001, 04:12 PM

Whao! You live in germany and speak English sooo well! I am envious. My german is terrible! i did 3 years of German but still I'm forgetting it more. i might do a german shortcourse with my engineering course!

------------------

Creator and Diamond Bladesinger of ALSB
Winner of EPSRC 2000 Science Website is @
http://www.epsrc-sciencerace.net/schools2000/534121/
My own Forgotten Realms Website is @
http://www.forgottenrealms.main-page.com[/list]

Silver Cheetah · 10-06-2001, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Kaz:
This is the first part of a story by me. I might write more, I haven't decided yet. Please post your comments and constructive (!) criticism.
Sorry for the length of the post.

Great beginning Kaz, can't wait to read the next bit. You've a real feel for a story, the reader wants to keep on reading right from the first sentence. Great stuff, well done!!

This needs just a *little* bit of editing - once or twice you've used the same word in consecutive sentences, and there are one or two sentences which you could probably leave out altogether, as you don't need them and they interrupt the flow a bit. Nothing major. If you'd like me to do a quick edit (all authors get edited, usually by the publisher, - so don't take this as negative criticism, because it isn't at all!) just let me know.

------------------

Most Ecstatic and Exotic Mistress of the Illuminati

Kaz · 10-08-2001, 04:08 PM

Sorry, guys, was away for a bit. SC, I'd *love* you to do that. It's only a first draft anyway. I'm currently rather busy with another story (ALSB-KFA conflict), but when I'm done I'll continue this. Avatar, my English is good because I used to live in the US and still read tons of English books. My spoken English is no longer the best, but my written has stayed the same.

BUMP! I want more replies!

------------------

Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB
Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe
Guardian of the Temple of Aerie (specialized in GenCon and BG)
Magess of Lady Lioness' Court
Historian of IW
Most Illustrious Arch-Magess of the Illuminati
Lux omnis est
Once Upon A Paper Writer's Forum

10-04-2001, 07:30 PM	#5
Encard Quintesson Join Date: June 13, 2001 Location: Darkness Age: 37 Posts: 1,033	Hmm... pretty nice. It's a good begining. ------------------ The Eternal ChAos-bringer of HADB CCCCCCcccccccHHHHHHHHhhhhhhAAAAAAAaaaaaaaOOOOOOOoo oooooSSSSSSSsssssss............. [This message has been edited by Encard (edited 10-04-2001).]

10-06-2001, 04:12 PM	#8
Avatar Vampire Join Date: April 28, 2001 Location: Cambridge Age: 40 Posts: 3,877	Whao! You live in germany and speak English sooo well! I am envious. My german is terrible! i did 3 years of German but still I'm forgetting it more. i might do a german shortcourse with my engineering course! ------------------ Creator and Diamond Bladesinger of ALSB Winner of EPSRC 2000 Science Website is @ http://www.epsrc-sciencerace.net/schools2000/534121/ My own Forgotten Realms Website is @ http://www.forgottenrealms.main-page.com[/list]

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10-04-2001, 02:08 PM	#1
Kaz Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: August 16, 2001 Location: UK Posts: 2,891	This is the first part of a story by me. I might write more, I haven't decided yet. Please post your comments and constructive (!) criticism. Sorry for the length of the post. Controlling weather is difficult and takes much power, so it is almost impossible to use on a large scale... Zaratha closed the leather-bound book with a sigh. Another dead end. She looked the next book lying on the table, titled Weather Spells, and closed her eyes. She should read that book next, but she couldn't concentrate. Zaratha stood up and walked around the room. It was small but full. A small bed stood in one corner, bookshelves lined the walls. There was one polished wooden table standing at one side of the room, also covered with books. A matching chair was standing in front of it. A chest near the wall held clothes, herbs, and other useful things. There was a vase on the chest, however the flowers it held were dried. There had been no rain for a long time. The Council of Nine would be meeting right now, deciding on a mage to investigate the unnatural drought. Zaratha silently wished the one chosen luck, the drought had lasted for months now. Anybody coming into the room would immediately notice one thing: the size of everything.The chair and the table seemed like toys, as did the bed. The clothes lying near the bed looked like children's clothes, the staff leaning against the wall was also half as long as a normal staff. Looking at the room, one got the impression that everything was normal, save that the windows were too large, the bookshelves too high and the books themselves seemed more like massive grimoires than normal books. There were several footstools, apparently to help the room's inhabitant reach the top of the bookshelves. To others, the scene would seem strange and skewed. To Zaratha, it was home. The young elf paced back and forth. She couldn't think, she'd been trying to find a solution to the problem of the drought for months now. Every single book she'd read had told her the same thing: Controlling weather needed a lot of power on a small scale, it was impossible on a large scale. Zaratha brushed long black hair away from her face. She was tiny even for an elf - less than half as tall as an average human - and very sensitive about it. She rarely left her chambers nowadays, preferring to have food brought by a servant. In the halls, she could feel the stares of the other mages, despite her having lived here all her life. She'd been found on the steps outside as a baby twenty years ago - it was still common practice for people to leave unwanted babies outside of official buildings. Even now, two or three babies were found outside the University each year. They were taken in by the mages, fed, educated and encouraged to leave as soon as they could exist independently. Zaratha had been one of the few who had actually had magical talent, so instead of leaving, she'd stayed on - first as a student, then as a full mage. She'd always been interested in research and had therefore joined the Elji order of mages, an order that devoted its time to the study of esoteric subjects. However, the last few months they'd been trying to find a spell to end the drought. The drought had begun five months ago. All of a sudden, there was no rain. It simply stopped. Over the months, rivers had dwindled and springs had gone dry. At the same time it was very cold, although it was the height of summer. The University had not been affected as badly as others, yet one still felt the effects of the unnatural weather everywhere. Zaratha sighed, sat down in the well-used chair, and carefully opened the next book. Suddenly someone knocked on the door. Zaratha turned around. "Come in." She stood up, resting her hands on her hips. The door opened, and a man came in. He was tall, well-muscled and was wearing armor showing the Shitai-rune, the symbol of the University. He was wearing a hilted sword and had a helmet, bearing the three red plumes that showed he was an officer, under his arm. He was almost three times as tall as she was and looked askance at the tiny, childlike mage in red robes. "Er… I'd like to speak to the Elji Mage Zaratha, please," he said. "Yes, that's me," snapped Zaratha, silently adding, and it's not my fault I look like a short halfling, thank you very much. "Um… the Council of Nine wishes to inform you that you have been chosen to investigate the causes of the drought," said the officer, still staring at the small elf. "What?" Zaratha coughed. "This is a joke, right?" "No, it is not a joke!" the soldier barked. "Why me? I mean, I'm a researcher. Why in all the world should I be the one to go out and try to stop the drought? I have no practical experience in this sort of thing whatsoever!" Zaratha said, trying to keep calm. "If you'll follow me to the Council of Nine, they'll tell you what to do and why they chose you," the soldier replied. "All right," Zaritha snapped, fuming. She stood up and strode out of the room, followed by the soldier. ------------------ Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe Guardian of the Temple of Aerie (specialized in GenCon and BG) Most Illustrious Arch-Magess of the Illuminati Lux omnis est

10-04-2001, 02:21 PM	#2
DragonMage 20th Level Warrior Join Date: September 6, 2001 Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia Age: 55 Posts: 2,767	OOOOooooh, Kaz, very nice beginning. You have set the stage well. I won't even bother to nitpick about paragraphing because I don't often paragraph in the forum, just remember to do so in printed form. It will make it easier to follow. Absolutely wonderful, keep it coming. ------------------ The day we stop learning is the day we start dying!(c) Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan. Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever! Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT. Occasional minion to Gwhanos the Fluffy Hopeless Romantic sigh

10-04-2001, 02:23 PM	#3
www.cffl.com Guest Posts: n/a	oOoOoOoHhHhHhH gOoD ------------------ <font color=cyan>HADB Clan Rulz

10-04-2001, 03:30 PM	#4
Talthyr Malkaviel Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: August 31, 2001 Location: Land of the Britons Age: 37 Posts: 3,224	BRAVO! whistle clap It's good to see yet another talented writer in this forum, wow, all that talent! ------------------ Resident cantankerous sorcerer of the Clan HADB and Sorcerous Nuttella salesman of the O.R.T Long live HADB!!! 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger'

10-06-2001, 08:47 AM	#6
Mirac Honorguard Red Wizard of Thay Join Date: August 21, 2001 Location: Limburg, Netherlands, Europe Age: 42 Posts: 894	Very nice, this will make an good beginning. Now for the comments : (all comments I give are just my personal opinion ) You have a very good telling-style, keep it that way. If you want to make a full scale fantasy story btw, I would change "modern words" like university, it reminds me (personal opinion!!!!) to much of the time we live in now, in real life. Well, you have a great beginning, keep the good work up ------------------ http://www.angelfire.com/rpg2/mirac I'd be Mirac, mighty mage of er... uhm.. er.. - Mirac Honorguard Fellow Table Dancer of the Jerome's Table dancer group Spell formulater of the IW peace-keeping force [This message has been edited by Mirac Honorguard (edited 10-06-2001).]

10-06-2001, 08:55 AM	#7
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	Well written Kaz! You've got real talent, how much of this story have you written so far? ------------------ Worshipper of Tiax. Wielder of the ancient Lawyer spells. Member of the HADB clan. Ally of the Fluffy Queen and the Dreaded Red Fluffy General of the highest class and Leader of the Legal Department in the IW Peacekeeping Force. ORT member, Official Demander of Stuff. "If Silence is golden, why does everyone talk so much?"

10-08-2001, 04:08 PM	#10
Kaz Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: August 16, 2001 Location: UK Posts: 2,891	Sorry, guys, was away for a bit. SC, I'd love you to do that. It's only a first draft anyway. I'm currently rather busy with another story (ALSB-KFA conflict), but when I'm done I'll continue this. Avatar, my English is good because I used to live in the US and still read tons of English books. My spoken English is no longer the best, but my written has stayed the same. BUMP! I want more replies! ------------------ Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe Guardian of the Temple of Aerie (specialized in GenCon and BG) Magess of Lady Lioness' Court Historian of IW Most Illustrious Arch-Magess of the Illuminati Lux omnis est Once Upon A Paper Writer's Forum

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