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Old 12-16-2004, 09:47 AM   #1
Cloudbringer
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This is a timely topic for some of us.


Source

How to Avoid Family Discord During the Holidays


We all like to think of holiday time as a season of peace, love and family togetherness. But in real life, and with the stresses of the winter holiday period, even the closest of clans is bound to have its testy moments.

Steps:
1. Try to divide visiting time equally between your family and your spouse's; if distance makes that impossible, alternate homes from year to year.

2. Ease tensions arising from divorce, amicable or otherwise, by vowing to put the kids first, no matter what.

3. Find out well in advance of the holidays when grandparents and other relatives want to see the kids, and schedule activities accordingly; you'll avoid last-minute conflicts and hurt feelings.

4. View ethnic or religious traditions of new family members as a way to make your celebrations richer and more meaningful, not as threats to your own beliefs. Create your own blend of favorite rituals.

5. Invite a friend or two to family functions. Behavior almost always improves in the presence of outsiders.

6. Hold gatherings in neutral territory. In a restaurant, a resort or a rented beach house, resentments over wealth, social standing, politics or religion will take a back seat to new surroundings.

7. Recognize that you can't control anyone's behavior but your own, and try to observe the actions of others without judging them.

8. Cultivate your sense of humor. Almost anything, even other people's annoying habits, can be amusing if you don't take them too seriously.

9. Get plenty of rest during the holiday period. Tiredness and fatigue can be a sure route to bickering and ill temper, in adults as well as kids.

10. Opt out of the extended-family gathering if the tension is too great to bear. Instead, spend the holidays at home with your immediate family or friends, or take a holiday trip.


Tips:
If you'll be traveling during the holidays, with or without family, make all arrangements far ahead of time. Prime spots such as ski resorts and warm-weather playgrounds can fill up as much as a year in advance.

The same applies to local venues such as restaurants and clubs. The earlier you can book your family gathering space, the better chance you'll have to get your first choice.
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Old 12-16-2004, 09:58 AM   #2
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And for families with stepchildren this might be useful.

Source


Blended Family Holidays
After divorce or remarriage, keep the focus on the kids to defuse tension.




Making Kids Feel Special

One Year at a Time: Many divorced parents agree to alternate visitation: Johnny spends Christmas this year with Mom and next year with Dad. The agreement is spelled out, and there is no reason for Johnny to feel guilty. Margorie Engel, a Boston-based author and consultant on divorce and families, suggests that whether or not you alternate, every year you should do whatever is necessary to avoid putting a child in the position of being torn between families.

"Give yourself permission to color outside the lines," she says. "Don't be locked into only Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Just brainstorm a little."

New Traditions: Create a new holiday ritual for your child, Engel suggests. Perhaps every year your celebration will be a December party you host for your daughter's friends. Maybe an annual outing to see The Nutcracker can be your special time together. Or maybe from this year on, your big family gathering will be on July 4.

Make Your Plans Known: Whatever the situation, The Stepfamily Association of America urges parents to plan. Communicate with former spouses and other relatives, asking for written confirmation on travel plans. Make itineraries for the kids so they will know what to expect. "The kids are uptight, because they're not sure where their base of security is," explains Donald A. Gordon of the Center for Divorce Education in Athens, Ohio. "If both parents have remarried, they don't have a place where they really feel at home." Knowing the specific plans helps alleviate this.

Communicate openly with your former spouse and new partner about holiday plans and gift buying. "That would make the children very happy, to see Mom and Dad consulting positively with each other about them," Gordon says. "Do it so the kids will know you are conferring over something pleasant regarding them -- not about a problem. Holidays and birthdays are probably the only two opportunities during the year to do that. Don't let that opportunity pass."

Parents and stepparents should also communicate about proposed holiday menus and dinnertimes if kids will be visiting more than one house in a day.

"The positive thing about the holidays is that they are a time when a family can begin to build new history," says Judith L. Bauersfeld of Phoenix, Arizona, president of The Stepfamily Association of America. "But for children, there is often a profound sense of loss and sadness in knowing they cannot return to what was before." It is important to acknowledge that loss and allow kids to mourn good times that are gone. They also need to know these feelings are normal.

If a Parent Is Absent

Sometimes a noncustodial parent shows no interest in the children and may even disappear, acknowledges Gordon. This situation becomes even more painful if a stepsibling receives generous attention from both parents.

In such cases, Gordon recommends establishing a "parent-surrogate," or substitute for the children. "If they're not getting contact with their father, maybe an uncle, grandfather, or stepfather can do something special for them," Gordon suggests. "It's a way of saying, 'There's a male out there who cares about you and wants to spend time with you.' That's a much better way of making it up than trying to buy more gifts."

Many times, fathers need to be encouraged to assume more parental responsibility, she adds. Stepmothers can provide age-appropriate information or other gift-giving suggestions, then let Dad take it from there.

But the real solution for happy holidays ultimately lies in each person's attitude, Engel says. "To some extent, we do control whether it's a good holiday."

Gift Giving Guidelines

"Family standards of gift-giving present a nightmare in stepfamilies," says Judith L. Bauersfeld of Phoenix, Arizona, president of The Stepfamily Association of America. Consider the possibilities: assorted levels of income among Mom's household, Dad's household, extended families, and extended stepfamilies; grandparents who have not yet accepted stepchildren; unfamiliar traditions among new in-laws; and gift overload from multiple celebrations. An almost-certain result is that somewhere along the line, someone's feelings will be hurt.

Ideally, parents should ask children to write a wish list, says Margorie Engel, a Boston-based author and consultant on the complications families face after divorce and remarriage. Then the two parents should work together to determine what wants and needs (including winter coats and boots) will be provided by each of them.

Tell relatives how you would prefer gift-giving to be handled for stepchildren. Provide sizes, color preferences, and other information about the new family member -- or suggest that money can be a diplomatic gift.

"Be sure to thank the relatives who are cooperating," urges Engel. After all, being an extended step-relative also takes some getting used to.

Parents -- especially noncustodial parents -- might want to make a tradition of taking a special day with children to supervise holiday shopping. Teach them to choose appropriate gifts for family members, including their other parent and stepparents.

Remind kids who receive gifts from many sources that it's unkind to gloat in front of stepsiblings who do not receive such bounties.

Even so, feelings may get hurt, and parents should gently point out that fact to gift givers who haven't considered the impact of their actions. Empty-handed children need consolation, too, as they learn that life is not fair.

Engel says issues like these must be confronted. "Parents need to be able to say, 'You must feel really sad about this.' "

Sometimes both parents subconsciously compete to provide the "best" holiday for their child, which may cause a child to feel pressured into favoring one parent over the other. "Being involved in loyalty conflicts is the most dangerous aspect of divorce," Gordon says. "The children can't win. They feel that they have to hide their love for one parent from the other."

Sometimes a parent or grandparent will try to compensate for the pain of a broken home by showering a child with presents. Don't worry that those gift-givers will outdo you, but concentrate on giving your children love and attention. A strong sense of family values will last longer than material gifts.

If all else fails, try to accept the situation, Engel tells parents. "All you really have control of is what's in your household," she says.
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Old 12-16-2004, 10:00 AM   #3
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Visitors on the holidays remind me of Ben Franklin's' statement... "Company like fish begin to smell after three days."
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Old 12-16-2004, 07:54 PM   #4
Sir Degrader
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That's all new age hipnobabble IMO.


This is the real way to raise your kid.


Note- Do not take seriously
Edit- I don't know HTMl.
Edit by T-D-C: Fixed your link

[ 12-17-2004, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: T-D-C ]
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Old 12-16-2004, 08:12 PM   #5
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hey - cloudy - great topic...

I've recently married into a blended family - two kids from her two previous marriages - and it's not easy. Takes a lot of patience dealing with the other families. Bad enough trying to schedule with my parents and hers, try adding four others into the mix.

**BUT** I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my wife and OUR two boys. The only steps in our house are the ones going upstairs.

ADVISE - try to be the neutral third party or trying seeing the situation from their point of view. Having legal documents tell you what SUPPOSE to happen is a good starting point, but not the be all end all...we've been working on getting everything situated to get both boys at our house for Christmas day and it is taking a 2 hour drive on the night before and a two hour drive Monday BEFORE work, but it is gonna happen.

Either that, or just give yourself a large bottle of our favorite tipple and start new's years a week earliy

Later,

BK
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Old 12-16-2004, 08:34 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sir Degrader:
That's all new age hipnobabble IMO.


http://www.maddox.xmission.com/beat.html This is the real way to raise your kid.


Note- Do not take seriously
Edit- I don't know HTMl.
need to remove the period
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Old 12-16-2004, 08:52 PM   #7
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What the.... [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] Black Knight?? I haven't seen you around in AGES! Congratulations on getting married, that's great news! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]
Nice to see you posting again. [img]smile.gif[/img]
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Old 12-16-2004, 11:56 PM   #8
Cloudbringer
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Quote:
Originally posted by Black Knight:
hey - cloudy - great topic...

I've recently married into a blended family - two kids from her two previous marriages - and it's not easy. Takes a lot of patience dealing with the other families. Bad enough trying to schedule with my parents and hers, try adding four others into the mix.

**BUT** I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my wife and OUR two boys. The only steps in our house are the ones going upstairs.

ADVISE - try to be the neutral third party or trying seeing the situation from their point of view. Having legal documents tell you what SUPPOSE to happen is a good starting point, but not the be all end all...we've been working on getting everything situated to get both boys at our house for Christmas day and it is taking a 2 hour drive on the night before and a two hour drive Monday BEFORE work, but it is gonna happen.

Either that, or just give yourself a large bottle of our favorite tipple and start new's years a week earliy

Later,

BK
Oh Henry, I KNEW that's what was up! AWWWWWWWWWW! Well, I don't have enough room for all the awwwwww's I'd like to post, dear friend! I know you didn't have much time online, but I'll catch you another time!

This topic came up as I was seeing notes at work about help for people in stress from the holidays because of all the visiting and extended/blended family needs at this time of year. I'm glad it could be of help or at least interesting.
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Old 12-17-2004, 02:07 AM   #9
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Tips on surviving the holidays:

1) Chocolate.

2) Alcohol.

3) Chocolate.

4) Chocolate alcohol.

5) Duct tape.

6) Friends. ("I can't stay all night. As you can see, there are three of us. We need to go to Erin's and then see Anne's family." Think the Thanksgiving episode of Will & Grace.)
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Old 12-17-2004, 02:45 AM   #10
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I'm inclined to agree (except for the duct tape - I'm quite shy about that sort of thing really) [img]smile.gif[/img] . It's a kind of ritual for me to retire to bed on Christmas day with a box of Belgian chocolate, and a bottle of Highland single-malt whisky, and spend Boxing day in a Zen-like trance.
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