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Old 03-20-2001, 08:27 AM   #11
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
An Oldie, but always Goodie:

Being an evil overlord seems a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every evil overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown or destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian overlords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present…

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not the face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept in the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my weakness.
6. I will NOT gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my enemy and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No,” and shoot him. No, on second thought I will shoot him and then say, “No.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan is carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will NOT be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Danger: Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the On/Off switch will not be clearly labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum – a small hotel outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will have no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, NOT left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ a device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero will just be putting his plan into action.
16. I will never utter the sentence, “Before I kill you, there’s one thing I want to know.”
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughable under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she would be evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite it’s proven stress-relieving affect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When one is so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi Stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field larger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way – even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard energy weapon useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages with stones and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason, I will always carry 2 fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I would not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurors, clumsy squires, no-talent bards and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison member of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and kill them immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will also make sure to get his dog, monkey, ferret or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters that work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, ”Here is the price of failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me, “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply, “This.” And kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a want ad in the paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over a beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of secret passages and abandoned tunnels I may not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, “I will never marry you! Never, do you hear me? Never!” I will say, “Oh well,” and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else who is equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-size target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
58. If it ever becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss of a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask, ”Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits, which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating the sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of the disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of peering quizzically around the corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenants loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will not also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made onto limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate the hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero on top of a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g.: “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of the total eclipse.” Instead, it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my Legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight into the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting control panel from the inside opens the door, not vise versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’s lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited internet access.


I would also like to proclaim Hercules, Xena, Sinbad, Tarzan, Robin Hood and Conan to be the official television shows of the Evil Overlord List. Their repeated efforts to illustrate why Evil Overlords need such a list serve as examples to us all.




------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!!
Charean is offline  
Old 03-20-2001, 08:33 AM   #12
KDogRex
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 5, 2001
Location: Minneapolis, MN USA
Age: 55
Posts: 1,305
*Wipes tears of mirth from his eyes*
Oh, you slay me!! I haven't seen that for a long time! That's one of the best, I still laugh my ass off when I read it!!!

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-Resident Corset Loosener and Bard of the OHF
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Old 03-20-2001, 08:42 AM   #13
Sir_Tainly
Guest
 

Posts: n/a
Excellent stuff Charean, LOL

Have heard some of these before but never the full list


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'Cloudbringer for Spamturny General' - BK
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Old 03-20-2001, 08:50 AM   #14
Black Knight
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Delaware OH USA
Age: 47
Posts: 3,168
You are Killing me! Great stuff guys. Here is my entry:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous through-
out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which duringthe night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?


What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.


What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, SMART OR DUMB. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH!!

hehe

BK
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:35 PM   #15
Cloudbringer
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Quote:
Originally posted by bilqis:
Those are a hoot! I have a friend who collects blonde jokes (she's a brilliant, beautiful, tall, slender, natural blonde) and I sent them to her. Fun!

Here in the north woods of Minnesota, we always tell Ole & Lena Jokes. Or Ole & Sven jokes. Most of the heritage here is Norwegian, Swede, Finnish & German, and we have a strong 'brogue' or accent here, more so than southern MN ... so these jokes go over big. No offense to the native people of any of those countries... but if we can't make fun of ourselves, well, that's a sad thing.
(I hope Cloudy's Corner isn't restricted to blonde jokes... tell me if so and I'll delete it. )
Anyway!!

MINNASODA NORVEGEN VIRUS

VARNING!!
Ve haf just sent you da "MINNASODA NORVEGIAN VIRUS." Since ve do not haf any
programming experience and do not know how to actually damage your
computer, dis virus is on the honor system. Please forward dis Virus to
eferyone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on
your hard drive.

Tank you for your cooperation.
Sven and Ole


bilqis! Cloudy's Corner isn't restricted to anything but foul language, racism and the utterly crude...soooo...Ole and Lena/Sven us all you want!
LOLOLOL

Cloudy
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:38 PM   #16
Cloudbringer
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Quote:
Originally posted by Charean:
I thought I would add this humble entry... Love the jokes btw!!!


CAT DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.


A CAT PERSON, CHAREAN?! Kewl! I have 3 of my own at themomentand my private email list (cat oriented) sent this around a while ago, but I didn't save it! Thanks! LOL

Cloudy
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:44 PM   #17
Cloudbringer
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Charean, HAHAHAHAHAHA...er, I'm going to laugh at that one a few more hours...and then re-read it at home! LOVED IT.

BK: Ack! I'd seen that one someplace before...Baaad baaad knight! LOL

Anyone else have an addition? I will be reading this thread after work today...and boy will I need it. Tedium shall follow lunch, and that gives tedium 3 hrs to torture me!

Cloudy

------------------
Storm-Queen
Purple Rose of the Black Knight
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:45 PM   #18
Cloudbringer
Ironworks Moderator
 

Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Upstate NY USA
Posts: 19,737
Quote:
Originally posted by KDogRex:
Charean, that's great!!!!!
It reminds me of Stewie, from "The Family Guy" on FOX!!

KDog, love the sig!

Cloudalicious

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Storm-Queen
Purple Rose of the Black Knight
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:50 PM   #19
KDogRex
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: March 5, 2001
Location: Minneapolis, MN USA
Age: 55
Posts: 1,305
Quote:
Originally posted by Cloudbringer:

KDog, love the sig!

Cloudalicious

You do? Cool! I figured, being a bard asnd all, I needed something that more closely represented one!! You know, BK os over at the inn right now!

------------------
-Resident Corset Loosener and Bard of the OHF
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Old 03-20-2001, 12:50 PM   #20
Hesperex
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HOHOHO...HEHEHE...HAHAHA...MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... OHHHH...HEHEHEHEHE....HAHAHAHA....WAAAARRGGGGGGGGG ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....MUWHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA ...HEHEHE...LOL!!!!

------------------

Master Assassin of the Holy Flame.
My website http://hesperex.8k.com
 
 


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