Joke World 2-1-08

[Arvon]

Heard on Paul Harvy today:

The average golfer walks about 900 miles a year,
The average golfer drinks about 21.2 gallons of booze each year.
The average golfer gets about 41 miles/gal.

[Bungleau]

It's good to be above average...

[Arvon]

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2,
Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

[Arvon]

A man is running along and falls off a cliff - I don't know why he falls off a cliff, he just does, OK?

As he's falling he manages to grab onto a tree about 15 feet down, growing out from the side of the cliff. Now he's hanging there and he looks down and sees this 200 feet drop below him, but he knows he's only 15 feet from the top of cliff. Looking up he cries out for help, "Is there anybody up there?"

Much to his surprise he is heard. A voice replies which can only be that of the lord (the reverb has been turned up and there's too much bass), "Let... go..."

The man looks down at the 200 feet drop, and then looking up once more, cries out, "Is there anybody else up there?"

[Arvon]

I hear that Tom Brady just cancelled his trip to Disneyworld

[Arvon]

An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The doctor comes into his room and says, "The news iss bad. Ve are going to have to amputate your leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's permission, they fulfill his request.

A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, "More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and again his request is fulfilled.

Another week passes, and the doctor returns to his room and says, "Achh! More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your arm." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Please do ask your commandant if he could find the time to drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission?" Sure enough, it is done.

More time passes, and the doctor once again returns and says, "Ze news, she does not get any better. Ve are going to have to amputate your other arm!" The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. It would warm my heart dearly if the commandant could drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission." The doctor goes off and returns with an agitated look on his face. "The commandant says NO, he vill not do ziss for you. He thinks you are trying to escape!"

-attributed to Bob

[Arvon]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."

[Arvon]

Jittery Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years."

[Arvon]

From the SF Chronicle "Personals" Column, Friday, February 9th:

Advertising Age's Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with imaginary ads "to brazenly exploit a solemn site," such as the recent rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:


The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: "Don't be the father of your country. Trojan condoms."
Russians filing by Lenin's tomb are shown. The line: "Liked our leader? You'll love Vlasic dills. They're pickled in glass, too!"
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFK's grave lights a cigarette. The line: "Bic. Only one flame lasts longer."
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the baby's cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): "I said a Bud Light."

[Arvon]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."