vicotnik's original (mostly) chamber of laughter-join in,pls

[Vicotnik]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.
They are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of
these are excellent don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

===

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

===

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

===

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

===

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

===

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

===

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

===

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

===

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

===

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

===

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

===

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

===

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

===

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

===

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

===

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

===

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

===

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law somewhere.


hehe!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Vacation at a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a
nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and
the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy,
I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The
mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes
running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers
a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger
they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes
running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy
talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and
more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Charean]

Love the jokes!! This thread is GREAT!! Thought I would contribute...

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome young steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? .... What did he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

well, i spose i should contribute one of the cop jokes i heard a while back...

When a cop pulls you over and says 'your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' dont reply 'officer, your eyes look glazed. have you been eating donuts?'

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Proud member of the HADB. And remember, when you're thinking of giant heads, why not think of the Big Giant Head?

[Charean]

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Dang, they are wet... perhaps a Bic... nope... same problem - ok, I will settle for a couple of sticks and a magnifying glass... <grin>
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.The Upanishads
Have found the Path I have been searching for... now to Dance upon it!

[nick1979]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks. About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

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[J.J.]

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently
and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous.
Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve
this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

(Read them out loud)

That's not right: Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man: Dum Gai

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone: No Pah King

You know the lyrics to the Macarena?: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright: Yu So Dum

I got this for free: Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting is scheduled for next week: Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived: Hia Dei Kum

Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, ''but you have to leave in two days."


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To