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Old 07-25-2004, 09:18 AM   #1
Arvon
Unicorn
 

Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
The World According to Comedians

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grand- father.

-- Jackie Mason

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

-- Chris Rock

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living."

-- Henny Youngman

When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to the letter.

-- Emo Phillips

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

-- Richard Jeni

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" and he said, "No, I'm just looking."

-- George Miller

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England so the other one could drive.

-- Steven Wright

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

-- A. Whitney Brown

I was on a subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

-- David Brenner

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms?" I said: "What do you need?"

-- Steven Wright

There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, "Sure. $10 million. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.

-- Larry Miller
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:08 AM   #2
slicer15
Symbol of Cyric
 

Join Date: November 12, 2002
Location: Banstead, Southeast England
Age: 37
Posts: 1,162
ROFL!! Some of those were great! Thanks for the laugh Arvon!
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:17 AM   #3
Jorath Calar
Harper
 

Join Date: October 6, 2001
Location: Iceland
Posts: 4,706
Hehe good ones.

I have one more that I love.

My grandfather was once asked what he wanted to be when he got out of high school and he said "no more than 25".
-Gary Mule Deer

now there is a goal... [img]smile.gif[/img]
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:24 AM   #4
Jaradu
Silver Dragon
 
Bloody Pingu Champion
Join Date: July 29, 2003
Location: Shrewsbury, England
Age: 33
Posts: 1,635
ROFLMAO The first two and the China one were my favourites. Nice one [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:15 AM   #5
Hivetyrant
Jack Burton
 

Join Date: August 24, 2002
Location: Aussie now in the US of A!
Age: 37
Posts: 5,403
Hahahahaham, wow, those were great.
Good work Arvon [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

[ 07-26-2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Hivetyrant ]
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Old 07-26-2004, 10:55 AM   #6
Xen
Symbol of Moradin
 

Join Date: June 5, 2002
Location: Slovenia,Ljubljana
Age: 36
Posts: 8,554
ROFL! That was hilarious.

[ 07-26-2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Xen ]
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Old 07-26-2004, 12:49 PM   #7
Spirits forever
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ROFLMAO
those were great, my fav was the first one..HAHAHA
 
Old 07-26-2004, 07:52 PM   #8
Attalus
Symbol of Bane
 

Join Date: November 26, 2001
Location: Texas
Age: 75
Posts: 8,167
Arvon, those were hilarious. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]
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