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Old 12-26-2003, 12:40 PM   #1
Bungleau
40th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
Okay, my turn to rant and rave... and my usual nearby ranters and ravers are elsewhere, so where else to get supported and chewed up than the IW GD board?

After my son's birthday, I had a conversation with my mother about her buying him too much stuff. And not just stuff -- junk. Crap that she gets for 90% off because no one in their right mind would expect that !#$^% to last for more than five minutes of playing, only it has really cool pictures on the box that make you think it would be fun to play with. If you check the pictures out, though, you notice that no kid is actually touching the toy... it'd fall apart if they did that.

I asked her (as I asked my dad) to not buy the kids so much stuff because they don't need it, and because they too often ask "what did you bring me?" before they say "Hi, Grandpa". I explained that we're trying not to make them materialistic, and help them appreciate what they have.

I also talked about how her mother (my grandmother) was the queen of frugal, and my mom doesn't need to live in that shadow. My grandmother was so cheap that if you got something for free, she'd tell you about a place where they would have paid you to take it.

Message delivered, and I thought, message received.

Christmas day shows up (parents coming to my house for dinner).

Dad shows up first, a little heavy on presents, but not too bad. Kids open, kids enjoy.

Mom shows up later, pompously hands me her keys to empty the car, AND THE ENTIRE BACK SEAT IS FILLED WITH PRESENTS!!!

I mean, even the space for your feet!

Took me six trips to schlepp all this stuff indoors.

I then went to the bathroom to the sound of my dad, eyeing all this stuff, saying, "Geez, and you told me to go light on the gifts".

I shut the door and took care of business, which is just as well because the response from my mom was that she "got the lecture" and "didn't care", that she'd "do what she wanted".

Had I heard that, even sick and under the weather as I am, I would have left the house to avoid saying what was on my mind (which obviously still is on my mind, since I'm ranting here).

You wanna buy 'em a bunch of trash? Go ahead -- I can throw it out as fast as you can buy it... faster, maybe. You wanna buy 'em last year's discount bin coats with styles that were popular in the early 1980s and haven't made their way back into style, go right ahead. It's only 1.2 miles to the Salvation Army dropoff point.

I mean, try buying something because it's nice, not because it's cheap. With few exceptions, stuff cheaply priced is that way for a reason -- 'cause no one in their right mind wants it!

For his birthday, she gave my son this car garage toy that had to be assembled. And I mean assembled -- some fifty pieces that fit together lightly (and come apart easily). It's made of cheap plastic that the first time he accidentally steps on it (at a meager 37 pounds, not the 220 that I bring to bear), it's going to snap irreparably. And I'm the one who's going to have to comfort the crying kid who's just decided that the newly-broken toy is the best one he's ever had.

She could have spent twenty bucks (instead of two) and bought him a garage at KB or Toys R Us, and he would not have had to worry about breaking it.

Ah, if only Christmas were a single day, though...

She's here for a couple more days, and I don't have much tolerance left. Went out to the store to pick up something I needed along with something for her, and when we get to the checkout line, she decides she'll "let me" pay for her thing.

Let me! As if it's a privilege I should be grateful for! No "Hey, would you pick this up for me?" Nothing that indicates any respect or appreciation.

I'm now even more irritated, and counting the minutes until my house is peaceful again.

So... to make this something more positive than just a rant... any suggestions for things I can do to try to keep my cool? All ideas, tips, and suggestions are appreciated.
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Old 12-26-2003, 12:47 PM   #2
johnny
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Yeah, just relax and have a beer.
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Old 12-26-2003, 01:28 PM   #3
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
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Age: 48
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It is your house and your rules. You are the decider of what the kid gets to play with...and what possessions are in your home. If somebody does not follow the rules, you are not responsible for what happens.

I have this ugly yellow shirt my dad got me that I will return to Sears as soon as I can. Do I feel ashamed or evil for diong so? Hell no. I do not wear yellow and myu father should know that. If he does not, then his loss. So, what about the many toys that were bought for MaryBeth? Gonna return them for diapers for the newborn. No ill feelings here. I get what I want, and they are satisfied that they spent money on the kids. No harm done.

Now...I love what I learned from Ray Romano's dad last week on TV. Kid is misbehaving...break a toy. It is very damn therapeutic! It helps show the kid what's what and it lets you get to break stuff and take revenge on your folks at the same time! That is like a dang three-layer cheesecake buddy! Woo-hoo!
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Old 12-26-2003, 01:31 PM   #4
Cerek the Barbaric
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Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: North Carolina
Age: 61
Posts: 3,257
Quote:
Originally posted by johnny:
Yeah, just relax and have a beer.
Johnny is the man with the plan, as always.


On a more serious note, though, it sounds like you're doing what you can without being downright rude to your mom about it. If she gives you the response that she doesn't care what you say, she will buy what she wants to anyway. Your response can be exactly what you said here - "Fine, you buy what you want to. But don't bring it in the house. Just go ahead and put it in my car so I won't have to make an extra trip when I haul it off. You can buy them what you want and I can throw out what I want....OR....we can actually try to work together on this."

I have 3 kids who are the only grandkids in the area on either side (the only other grandchild on either side lives several states away). So they get spoiled by both sets of grandparents. We've discussed the issue with both sets of parents and mine have agreed to cut down on what they buy. It also helps that, since my mom retired, she has been coming to our house once a week to help us clean and catch up on laundry/dishes/etc. So she sees the toys scattered all over the house and knows how long it takes to pick all of them up and put them back where they belong.

My wife and I also agreed that - with 3 kids - we simply have to cut down on how many toys each of them get for Christmas. First of all, we can't afford a bunch of gifts for each kid. Secondly, we simply don't have any room for anything else. We clean out their toy room on a regular basis as it is. I filled the back of the van up about 3 weeks ago and carried off probably 3 trash bags full of toys (several were just small miscellaneos things they no longer play with). I had to do that just to make room for the stuff I knew they would get for Christmas. Now I'm already looking at their new stuff to see what will be culled and carried off on the next trip.

My wife's mom still goes overboard and buys them too much stuff. Simple solution...leave it all at HER house for them to play with THERE. It doesn't sound like your parents live that close, but if they live close enough for the kids to visit regularly, then pack up a bunch of the stuff and send it over there. If they refuse (your mom especially) and say they don't want that stuff at THEIR house, say "Guess what? NEITHER DO I!!!"

Don't know if that helps or not. If not, you could simply try yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs and maybe break a couple of things in the process. [img]graemlins/madhell.gif[/img] At least then, they will know how you feel about it.
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Old 12-26-2003, 02:00 PM   #5
John D Harris
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Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
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Posts: 3,577
Ahh family, an amazing dynamic

Is it worth the frustration and ranting for an inexpensive toy, cheap plastic? Non Matterialism wouldn't care, it would be the thought that counted and all that stuff.

Take Johnny's advice sit back and relax, in fact take notes, cause after your children get to be teenagers and you live through that experiance. You too will seek ways of vengence, learn from it. Old age and Treachery beats youth and skill.

Besides Family you can't live with them... and you can't shoot them.
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Old 12-26-2003, 02:58 PM   #6
Bungleau
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Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
Ah...

And on the feedback... breaking the kids' toys is taking it out on them, which is inappropriate. They don't need to suffer in this; it's not their fault. Cerek, I may try your approach on it -- put it in my car and save me the extra walking. Work with me or against me, your choice. And John D, if there were thought that went into her gifts, it would be different. There is none, and there never has been. At least, not that I can see. If it were "oh, he likes Thomas the Tank Engine. I'll buy him one", that would be one thing. It's more along the lines of "you got this because it was cheap and in clearance. Hope you can find a use for it. And pat me on the back, too -- I got it for 90% off with my senior discount." F the senior discount....

Usually I can let it flow off my back more easily. This week I've come down with something, and I have much less tolerance than usual.

'Course, she just raised the ante.

We just picked up part of her Christmas gift (new wheelcovers for her car, so we were driving her car) and were heading home. She asked where we were going, and I told her. She said that she wanted to get gas, but she could do that later. I said we could stop at the gas station near the house and get some there.

We get there. We stop. She sits there and does nothing. I mean, no effort to get out to put in gas, no effort to get out a credit card to give me to stick in the machine... nothing. As if I'm supposed to serve the queen and be gracious of the opportunity.

Fine. I gas up the car, pick up the gas cap from where it fell when I tossed it toward the car, and get in. Then she does manage to thank me for the gas.

What thank? I'm being manipulated into corners. I see it coming, and it's getting to the point where the only way I'm going to start getting out of this stuff is to blow up. And that's something my kids don't need to see me do -- not that emotions are bad, but when I get as pi$$ed as I feel (and I mean that in the American way, not the Aussie way [img]smile.gif[/img] ), I know just what buttons to push, strings to pull, and parts to slice to make the other person feel like leftover cow dung. My kids don't need to see or hear me do that to their grandmother. I grew up with divorced parents, and one thing I learned was to keep the kids out of the problem. Keep it between the involved parties.

And now I'm down here in the office (on my day off), doing work because it's more peaceful. And she wants me to call my aunt to see what time we're going over there today. I don't know and I don't !$%!#$^% care!

*huff*

And she wonders why I rarely visit... nothing ever changes. It hasn't for the last 37 years, and I don't anticipate it changing soon.

At least she's got my brother, the "good son". It works for me... now, if he'd only get some children so he can be on the receiving side of this crap.

I'll probably be grabbing down a brew or two. Or more likely, some foofoo mixed drink. Maybe with a parasol... and a pineapple...
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Old 12-26-2003, 06:32 PM   #7
Dreamer128
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Join Date: March 21, 2001
Location: Europe
Age: 39
Posts: 6,136
M8, my compliments, you must be the most civilised person I've ever met. I'm not going to tell you how to run your life, just remember that for anyone who walks into your house, 'no' should mean 'no'. I don't know your family, but I have certain family members that have a name for doing pretty much the same thing, and if you keep looking away, this might never end. Parents or not, you shouldn't allow yourself to be manipulated like this. People refuse to stick with your houserules? They can go celibrate Christmas somewhere else.
I may sound a bit self-righteous, but it is only intended as advice. Hey.. I'm still young and arrogant

[ 12-26-2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Dreamer128 ]
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Old 12-26-2003, 06:49 PM   #8
Garnet FalconDance
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Join Date: August 30, 2001
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Age: 60
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...Makes me wonder why she's doing it. Has she always been this way? Did you and your brother grow up in less fortunate means and maybe this is her way of trying to make up for your not having lots of presents? Is she just being obstinate and unthoughtful?

Have you asked her the whys of this behaviour?

Hats off to you for not telling her exactly where to get off, though. My mother usually gets really weird gifts/stuff we'd never use or wear no matter how much you paid us. This year she got our daughter a pretty long flowing skirt---the kind I would wear (it's even my size) but the very not-into-long-flowing-skirts girl would not even be buried in (!) and I got a striped shirt that not only is way too small (even for daughter), it is butt ugly. Not a case of swapped packages: she included a handwritten note with the skirt to daughter. ::shrugs:: Who knows. I've also been the recipient of a yellow sweater---and I have NEVER worn yellow!!!

But I agree with others here---tell her she can buy them as much as she likes but it stays at HER house.
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Old 12-26-2003, 06:57 PM   #9
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 48
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Quote:
breaking the kids' toys is taking it out on them, which is inappropriate.
Why did you take what I said to mean that? I said that a toy is broken when the kid is bad, and I should have finished my thought to sa that "when the situation calls for it.

MaryBeth decided one day to fight over a toy that she had not touched nor remembered existed for a long time...and she picked her fight with her cousin that discovered the thing buried in piles of toys. MaryBeth reacted very badly, and when I warned her that I would take it away from her, she acted as though she did not hear me. What happened? I threw the toy away. I am very sure that she does not even miss it. I mean I trip over toys daily that she has in her room just because there is no room in the house to keep them all...and we have not bought her any of them...they all come from family outside the home. I call throwing them out an effective way to clean house and impose disipline at once.

BTW...for what it is worth to you, Karen said that her sister sends the toys that are bought for her stepdaughter by the girl's real mom back to the home of the real mom. If she buys it, she has to make room at her house to keep it. So Karen's sister does not have any toys at her house that she did not buy herself...and if the real mom wants to keep her place tidy...she will not buy junk because she knows that she gets everything back!
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Old 12-27-2003, 03:10 AM   #10
SpiritWarrior
Jack Burton
 

Join Date: May 31, 2002
Location: Ireland
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Your mistake lies in not saying what is on your mind. This, she probably expects (even counts on) and abuses, thus the ongoing pattern. There is respect for your mother but there is also respect for yourself. I mean c'mon you're not gonna start throwing punches, you're just voiceing an already-voiced desire.

Like many have said, state it, make it clear and enforce it. After all, would you like it if your own kids couldn't bring themselves to tell you when something really bothered them?
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