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Old 06-12-2001, 10:55 PM   #1
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
Age: 48
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Reading previous posts has provoked me to post a dream I had two nights ago, that has really gotten me shaken up, for it played out one of my greatest fears.
Now, everybody, it is believed, fears something. Whether it be a phobia like fear of heights or spiders, or a fear of the unkown like death, or dark rooms. Well, My dreams frequently keep me updated on mine. Let me just tell you the dream, then I can explain later. Keep in mind that this is a dream:


I am aware of my surroundings, as it is a rather large building. I am running, because I have to hurry to save her. She is my closest friend...maybe more than that...but the reason that she is so special to me is that the two of us are all that exists of our kind. We have special abilities, that others are jealous of. They would hurt us just to punish us for having the gift that they do not. They have her. I have to save her. She has a mind connection with me, telling me where she is. I can see the images she is sending me, leading me along the path she previously took with them...the enemy. She cries out in pain...I can hear her in my mind...he has hit her. She looks up and shows me her captors face through her eyes. I know that face. I could never forget it. He will hurt her, and take away her precious gift. I am ambushed by thugs. They are armed with knives and other objects. I let my anger build...I focus my rage on the center of the group and shout. A flame erupts in the middle of the group, scattering their burned ashes to either side of me as I run through. I cannot waste time! I cannot be late! She sends me another signal. He is going to rape her. I have to hurry. This cannot happen to her! She is so beautiful, innocent. She does not deserve this! I cannot let it happen! Another group of people jump me in the halls. I run faster, into them, to their surprise. The fools never can learn. My blades are out. I jump, spin, cut, kick, and I have cleared them all. When I land, I turn and slice through the remaining fool. Now, which way. She sends another signal. He is too close...she is going to lose her powers if he touches her, and he knows this! If he cannot have it, then he will not let her. I have to get in there to help! I am stuck. The door is locked, and too big for me to kick. I feel a knife in my back. I turn, and see the eyes of a dying man. He never even saw the blade coming at him. She links me to her eyes again..I can see him smiling as he is getting closer. I scream. She screams.
It is too late.
NO! I cannot believe it. I muster all the strength I have and the the door is destroyed. I see him standing there, smiling still. He tells me through mind speak, "Kill me if you must...I did what I did, and now I can die knowing that I have ruined the both of you"! I look down on the floor. She is naked, blood coming from the wounded flesh he has invaded. I meet her eyes. Those beautiful eyes of love and excitement...now only speak of shame. She accuses me with those eyes, accuses me of not being there when she needed me. I failed her, and she is now ruined.
I have lost.
With only a flick of my wrist, the evil man is laid low with a dagger protruding from his throat.
But I do not see him fall.
I can only look into the sadness of those beautiful dark eyes, and see my failure.


Have any of you seen the movie Cliff Hanger? The guy that plays Rocky is the star, and in this, he is like a guide for these people through some dangerous mountain terrain. they come to a bridge. It is a rickety bridge, and the fall is definately fatal. The men cross first, making sure it is ok. Then the lady crosses. A board breaks under her foot and she is about to fall. He rushes to her side, and grabs her hand as she almost fell. All she is saying is
"Don't let me go...Don't let me go..."
over and over. As strong as he is, she slips. And falls. Her hand is still reaching upward toward him, her eyes, still pleading silently those words as she goes down, out of sight. That almost destroyed him. He quit his job, and for years, never could free himself of the burdon.

Now, back to me...
I am afraid that no matter how stong I am, no matter how hard I try, no matter what...when the time comes for me to be of need to someone, especially a lady, I will not be good enough to help. I will not be there when I am needed most. I will lose the fight. I will not be in time. It is a curse that I carry with me that I sometimes let get the best of me. People can notice when I have been dwelling on the topic of not being good enough when it mattered, as they will always try to get me to talk to them. I dont want to listen to their ideas that I am wrong, and I am special, and I should not worry, because they are not understanding me. This is my problem, and how can they understand how I feel?
I had to share this, as it does make me feel better to tell the all of you. I have grown to care more about what you guys think of me than I do what my boss thinks. It seems that every time he wants to come talk to me, I am on here, typing away, or laughing at something you guys have said. I guess I have a really good boss, because I still have my T1 connection at work!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I would like for you to use this post as a place to post your worst fears. It would be more appropriate than trying to play phsyco-theropist with me.
Yet if you must, then you do what you wish.


------------------

Loyal guardian of the OHF
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Old 06-12-2001, 11:17 PM   #2
Moni
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That is quite a frightful dream!

I had the same nightmare over and over again as a young girl but after I stood for myself against my mother (at the age of seven) it went away.

I am not afraid of much in RL...a big cockroach charging me had me running up a friend backwards once LOL but other than that, I can't think of anything I am really afraid of. I hate bugs LOL!

My dreams are surreal and comforting, almost as if I travel to other places while I sleep and experience life on a different plane or another dimension. I hate waking up some days.

Speaking of sleep, I need some.

Rest Well Friend,

Moni

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Old 06-12-2001, 11:19 PM   #3
RudeDawg
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Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 54
Posts: 2,830
Larry

Thank you for this. It seems we share the same fear. That has always been my worst one, worst than any phobia. And, like you, I have listened to people tell me that it would never happen. Especially her.

BUT, unlike you, I lived this. When it counted, I wasn't strong enough, and she died. I've lived with the guilt for 3 years now, and have seen her in my dreams every night since. She no longer accuses me, but I do. It is my greatest failure, and I have been burdened with the shame of it. I know that I always shall.

Like you, I don't seek solace, or help, nor do I want to hear people tell me how "good", "nice", or "special" I am. When it mattered, I failed. And, I live with the shame today.

------------------


[This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 06-12-2001).]
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Old 06-13-2001, 12:07 AM   #4
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
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Quote:
Originally posted by RudeDawg:
Larry

Thank you for this. It seems we share the same fear. That has always been my worst one, worst than any phobia. And, like you, I have listened to people tell me that it would never happen. Especially her.

BUT, unlike you, I lived this. When it counted, I wasn't strong enough, and she died. I've lived with the guilt for 3 years now, and have seen her in my dreams every night since. She no longer accuses me, but I do. It is my greatest failure, and I have been burdened with the shame of it. I know that I always shall.

Like you, I don't seek solace, or help, nor do I want to hear people tell me how "good", "nice", or "special" I am. When it mattered, I failed. And, I live with the shame today.

Damnit!
Please don't tell me I have stirred up some horrible memories.
No, I have not lived it, yet...but I know it is going to happen.
I see it happening in my dreams with my wife or little girl every f..k.ng day. It haunts me in my waking hours as well.
Every day...I know that just because my wife is 10 damn minutes late coming home, that some horrible accident has happened, and I was not there to protect her.
I usually drift into day-dreaming and find mysef dreaming that I came home from work and found my wife dead, knifed to death, and raped in our own bed, and my baby is missing. Every day...I see these images in my mind.
I am getting too worked up about this...sorry...email if you want to sometime. I am sure you have both of my addresses.



------------------

Loyal guardian of the OHF
Devoted member of the Ironworks
Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet)
Ertai's back-up
Memnoch's chief look-out
Member of the Ancients club
Witness of the 4,000th post by Cloudposter

[This message has been edited by Larry_OHF (edited 06-13-2001).]
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Old 06-13-2001, 12:23 AM   #5
Sazerac
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Monroe, LA
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Larry,

Dreams are often windows to our inner selves. The girl in your dream I have a strong feeling is a part of yourself, something within you that you fear betraying. It is something rare and precious, since you speak of her having a "rare gift" and that you share this. The girl could very well represent your "anima"; your feminine, receptive side, possible a vessel of great power within yourself that you have not tapped (virgin), but you are terrified that someone else may exploit (the rape).

I'm not sure where to go with this. I sense that you are feeling a great deal of shame about this, and I feel for you there. What I think the dream is telling you is to rely a lot more on your inner, "intuitive" side. If you've neglected your receptive, artistic, expressive side for more "macho" or material qualities, your Self may be trying to tell you that you need to pay attention to your "other half" RIGHT AWAY before something happens. Quite often, dreams like this are sent to "wake us up" to what's going on within ourselves.

Let me ask you this: If you were able, how would you rewrite the dream? How would you, ideally, make it come out?

Once you've settled on that, meditate on it before going to bed, and ask for guidance on the next thing you need to do. If you have the dream again (and I think you will, since you claim this to be one of your "greatest fears"), the outcome will likely be quite different. Somewhere in there will also be the answer you seek as to what you need to do, and if there are any changes you need to make in your life.

I wish you well, my friend. Be glad that you have recalled the dream, for that is 2/3 of solving the problem there.

Yours,

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Old 06-13-2001, 12:39 AM   #6
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Midlands, South Carolina
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Posts: 14,759
Thanks.

------------------

Loyal guardian of the OHF
Devoted member of the Ironworks
Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet)
Ertai's back-up
Memnoch's chief look-out
Member of the Ancients club
Witness of the 4,000th post by Cloudposter
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Old 06-13-2001, 12:45 AM   #7
RudeDawg
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Join Date: April 9, 2001
Location: Dallas, Tx, USA
Age: 54
Posts: 2,830
Quote:
Originally posted by Larry_OHF:
Damnit!
Please don't tell me I have stirred up some horrible memories.


Not you, Larry
like I said, it's always there, for years now.
Stay strong, my friend.


------------------
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Old 06-13-2001, 04:46 AM   #8
SSJ4Sephiroth
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Join Date: May 4, 2001
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Posts: 4,361
well larry, that was an interesting dream. i often have dreams like this, but im not going to claim that i know how you feel about it. my fear isnt the same, for i fear not being strong enough in general. i have a feeling that 1, 2, maye more than 10 people might fall because i couldnt stop someone in time. people i love and care for, wiped out because of my failure. what a terrible fate that would be to live with...

and rudedawg, man, thats gotta be rough. just fearing it is bad enough, but having it happen... i can barely imagine what i would go through.

------------------
I'll kidnap ya fer 100, reprogram ya fer 300, and kill ya fer 500! Oh come one! I'll throw in the killin' fer 250!
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Old 06-13-2001, 08:00 AM   #9
Lord Shield
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I have strange dreams sometimes, too. The 'hopeless' ones were resolved when they repeated because I summoned old munchkin characters to save the day, as well as transforming myself into Lord Shield. My dream 'nemesis' fled in our last meeting

------------------
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is pimp.
http://lordraptor0.tripod.com/index.html
 
Old 06-13-2001, 10:38 AM   #10
Sazerac
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Monroe, LA
Age: 60
Posts: 7,387
Quote:
Originally posted by RudeDawg:
Larry

Thank you for this. It seems we share the same fear. That has always been my worst one, worst than any phobia. And, like you, I have listened to people tell me that it would never happen. Especially her.

BUT, unlike you, I lived this. When it counted, I wasn't strong enough, and she died. I've lived with the guilt for 3 years now, and have seen her in my dreams every night since. She no longer accuses me, but I do. It is my greatest failure, and I have been burdened with the shame of it. I know that I always shall.

Like you, I don't seek solace, or help, nor do I want to hear people tell me how "good", "nice", or "special" I am. When it mattered, I failed. And, I live with the shame today.

RudeDawg, I'm not about to try to appease you with empty platitudes. What I will say is that you desperately need to forgive yourself. Shame DESTROYS, and I don't think your friend would want that. I know that if I had been in the same case, I wouldn't have wanted someone to suffer on my account.

One of the hardest things in the world is the ability to forgive oneself. The saddest thing is we cripple ourselves and our ability to do any other good in the world from our fear from past actions or inactions. I beg of you, seek someone who can help you with this. Counseling is NOT a stigma anymore, and there are many competent people who are adept at helping with such a problem.

My wife was raped back in 1990, long before we married, although I knew her at the time. I felt an amount of guilt about not being there for her, even though I didn't even know she was in town. It wasn't crippling, but it's something that still worries me, even to this day when I fear leaving the back door unlocked. I do understand to some extent what you're going through.

I can only hope that you can find some peace and resolution.

Hugs,


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