Aussies, how do you deal with the critters! Yikes!

[Sir Kenyth]

I swear! Australia seems to have the most deadly critters per square inch of anywhere in the world! I mean, in the US, we have like 2 poisonous spiders (black widow, brown recluse), both are relatively small, slow, and non-aggressive. Three basic varieties of poisonous snakes (water moccasin, copperhead, and rattlesnakes). Add to that a smattering of scorpions in the arid regions and that about covers it!

YOU GUYS!

Just the funnel web and mouse spider are nasty enough! Fangs like daggers! Then you have three vaieties of widows and a half dozen miscellaneous types that are considered dangerous to humans. The snakes are too numerous to even list. The Tai-pan and Death Adder already put ours to shame and that's just the top two on a long sheet! Three varieties of deadly sea snake. Two varieties of deadly jellyfish. Stone fish can kill too. You guys have sea snails that fire poisonous harpoons like little cannons for cripes sake! [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

I can't remember if the Fat-Tailed scorpion is from Australia or not, but it wouldn't surprise me! I used to want to visit Australia, not after reading up on the fauna! Every time I felt a tickle I'd be [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] and jumping around like a monkey on LSD! I'd have to wear knee high boots and carry a six shooter slung low loaded with snakeshot and a can of RAID on the other side with the trigger spray attachment! Kind of a combination Orkin man/John Wayne thing you know!

[Calaethis Dragonsbane]

heh, you'd have to be almost tough to live in that land, maybe thats why Aviendha names herself after an Aeil, heheh, many things in common perhaps? *grins*

[Memnoch]

Don't forget the redback spider, found in most people's backyards. It's even more poisonous than the funnelweb.

And on the beach, there's the infamous bluebottles and box jellyfish - one tendril brushes your skin and you are (most likely) history. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Memnoch: Don't forget the redback spider, found in most people's backyards. It's even more poisonous than the funnelweb. And on the beach, there's the infamous bluebottles and box jellyfish - one tendril brushes your skin and you are (most likely) history. [img]smile.gif[/img]

The redback's one of the varieties of the widow family I was mentioning. Potent toxin, but a small dose. The funnel web is weaker, but they inject copious amounts of it! I swear I've never seen spiders with such large fangs or venom glands!

Let's just remember how enormous Australia is when we think about how many venomous snakes and spiders we have here. I mean, I've come across a snake about twice in my life, and (what I consider to be) poisonous spiders maybe 3 times. It's not like they are everywhere.

We do have a heck of a lot of non-deadly spiders around though!

Mind you, I do live in an urban area, so perhaps it's worse out in the outback land? Anyone?

[Calaethis Dragonsbane]

aw Avi, you've just ruined my opion of ya... [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] I thought that it was like the 'waste' out there... lol, j/k.

[Mouse]

And let's not forget the terrifying Great White Shark and the even more feared Greater Naked-lipped Breezer-drinker. Honestly, I'm not sure what would be a worse way to go. Chewed to death or slowly drowned by a deluge of girlie beverages..... [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

[/)eathKiller]

Thats why I like cuba, we don't have Snakes (other than constrictors) and our Scorpions suck (poison wise) and you hardly ever see those things, most of the time its an Iguana (What's an Iguana gonna do? Lick you to death?) or a Giant Jungle Rodent (which are more afraid of humans that Opossums) and if you ever see a tarantula it isn't of the poisonouse varaiety...

Our Birds are mainly vultures which pick off things like that (deadly and non) and the only thing we really have to worry about is sharks... and baracuda... and Jellys... most of which aren't poisonouse except for the Manofwar... most of the time all you see is Dolphins and Moon Jellys, which are so harmless you could have one swallow your hand and have it try to digest your tough skin (which it couldn't) As far as baracuda go, You can always tell if one has poison glands or not by it's taste, and i have yet to reel in a baracuda that wasn't edible! Our Sting Rays can't sting, Our Sharks Won't bite! Our rock fish, are more like FLOUDNERS!

Hell, it's paradise!

yeaap..

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Aviendha: Let's just remember how enormous Australia is when we think about how many venomous snakes and spiders we have here. I mean, I've come across a snake about twice in my life, and (what I consider to be) poisonous spiders maybe 3 times. It's not like they are everywhere. We do have a heck of a lot of non-deadly spiders around though! Mind you, I do live in an urban area, so perhaps it's worse out in the outback land? Anyone?

Urban areas do tend to drive off critters. You've got to understand though. You've seen as many poisonous beasties as me, and I've lived in the suburbs and country. I've also been in the military and spent lots of time camping. It's not venomous critters as much as Australia has tons of POISONOUS critters. Venomous means a critter uses venom. Poisonous means it's been considered a hazard to human life. In other words, it can kill!

Let's not forget that Australia has the worlds only poisonous mammal. The duck billed platypus!

[Donut]

I'll post this before someone else does.

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the Bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians.

The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.

Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australia, you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.

And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

Written by Douglas Adams of Hitchikers guide fame