A small story I wrote.. "the Devil inside me"

[uss]

Uh, I made the first part of this up yester-yester-, and then some more yesterday. I made it because there's this creativity contest or such going on. I wrote it in Estonian but now I'll translate it into English, sentence by sentence. Just because I want to know your opinions.

I think it's quite different from the other stories that got sent there, but eh, that's sort of the point. Anyway..


The Devil Inside Me.

The Night before Monday I reached the church. The only nearby source of light was the full moon. My vision was blurry. I had traveled through the forest for the past few days. In ragged clothes, sleeplessly and hungry, I still went on. Even crawling if I had to, as long as I could meet Him again. I could barely walk. But at the same time, I was happy - I reached my destination! I was ready to fulfill my purpose, if possible.

I was ready for anything, or at least, I thought so. I had dedicated the last few decades to mastering fighting with dual axes. In my childhood, I was a loner. All the other soldiers specialized in either the sword, the spear or the bow, leaving the axes to lumberjacks. The opinion that the axe is inefficient for battle use was widespread. Then again, I was always the most valuable soldier in my squad, killing the most, participating in every battle despite my wounds, and affecting the whole country with all that. I was later made a legend, and a few of the younger soldiers started using dual axes, trying to reach my league. There hasn't been such a soldier yet, but who knows, maybe there will be? Everything is possible.

There wasn't any time to waste - I started walking towards the church's gates. Suddenly, a hooded figure appeared before me.

"The Master is waiting for you," he said, smilingly.

"He is no Master of mine," I yelled back. "I hope he's ready to receive his death."

"The Master is immortal. Would he have wished your death, you wouldn't be more than a forgotten corpse right now!"

He could have been right on that part - if He would've wished to kill me, I would have died a long time ago. Confidence is His greatest weakness. Even now he is simply waiting for me, uncaring how my combat skills have increased since we last met.

At that moment, it struck my mind that I hadn't killed anybody in a long while. To keep my beastily hunger for killing back, I needed to kill somebody fast.

"You seem to know how to fight," I told him while quietly moving closer.

"Your behaviour is foreseen by Him. He knows much of your bloodlust," he said, keeping his dagger ready. "Do what you must."

By then, I heard other sounds. There were two other people nearby, both ready to fight - One of them was two metres to the right of me, the other one was up to ten metres far, behind me. With a sudden move, I removed my axes from their sheathes and threw one of them at the lackey behind me. The axe hit his ribs, crushing some of them. Another rogue ran towards me with evil intentions, but I was quicker, and so I cut his throat with my axe. Then the third bastard ran towards me, trying to kill me with one blow to the stomach. I managed to duck and his blow hit only the air. I jumped head on at his face, which caused his nosebone to brake. He fell on the ground and started moaning. I turned around and started walking towards the thief I first killed, to remove the axe from him. Cracking was heard, after which I got the hatchet out, of course bloodier than before. I went to the moaning murderer. He started begging for his life, but I practically didn't hear anything he said. Continuing my fun bloodshed, I hit him, one axe coming from the right, the other one from the left, at his stomach, dividing his body into two parts. After I wiped my axes clean with my cloth, I opened the gates and entered the church.


Well, that's the first of two parts of it. It took me about an hour to translate all of this and I do not wish to continue at the moment. Also, the pressure at the time I press 'Add New Topic' would be too big if I wrote the whole story, since the site would give me some abstract reason why the post can't be posted and then delete the whole thing.

Anyway, what do you think so far?

[Harkoliar]

interesting.. not your typical average goody-two-shoe hero i say

[uss]

Originally posted by Harkoliar: interesting.. not your typical average goody-two-shoe hero i say

LOL, It's funny to be away for 16 hours and then get one comment that says 'interesting.'

But yeah, I never wanted to make stories that fit into a stereotype too much. I always make them slightly sadistic or kinky, so they wouldn't be too ordinary.


I realize that the text isn't all that coherent. If you see any flaws or such in style or grammar or whatever other factor, please tell me. All in the interests of increasing my ability to write. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Harkoliar]

well im not an expert in this stuff [img]tongue.gif[/img] . i just like to read. im just wondering if this should be in the books forum. people there reply to this thread more often me thinks. well just my 2c.