10-15-2011, 11:17 AM | #1 |
Mephistopheles
Join Date: March 21, 2004
Location: Cape Canaveral, FL
Age: 68
Posts: 1,443
|
Terror threat levels
These probably weren't written by Cleese, but it's still fun. The US threat levels were added by me.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. And the United States has renamed their threat levels to the following; 1. ThreatCon1 is now known as “Search infants for sophisticated explosives”. 2. ThreatCon2 is “Search adults for shoe-phones and chemistry sets”. 3. ThreatCon3 is “X-ray screening for the lunch break floor show”. 4. ThreatCon4 is “Invade an innocent foreign nation”. 5. ThreatCon5 is now “Send in the drones to murder suspects without due process”. Have an unthreatening day!
__________________
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790), Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759. Iraq and Afghan fatalities: 6,855 and counting. Silence IS consent. |
11-07-2011, 11:34 PM | #2 |
Apophis
|
Re: Terror threat levels
But you've forgotten the Irish threat levels! They've recently gone from "Let's have a pint" to "Sing more sentimental songs." Before long they might proceed to "We need more whiskey." Be grateful that they do not possess nuclear weapons; heaven help the world if they ever reached the hypothetical "The pubs are all closed" with a viable red button at their disposal!
__________________
http://cavestory.org PLAY THIS GAME. Seriously. http://xkcd.com/386/ http://www.xkcd.com/406/ My heart is like my coffee. Black, bitter, icy, and with a straw. |
11-13-2011, 04:43 AM | #3 |
40th Level Warrior
Join Date: July 11, 2002
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 11,916
|
Re: Terror threat levels
I'm afeared we're stuck at levels 4 and 5 these days, and forever. Raise your right hand, palm outward, to salute the truth of this.
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
terror threat thwarted in Australia | wellard | General Discussion | 35 | 11-14-2005 05:31 AM |
Australia defiant at terror threat | Memnoch | General Discussion | 8 | 08-02-2004 08:27 AM |
Are YOU a threat to Bush? | IronDragon | General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005) | 39 | 07-24-2003 06:58 PM |
DejaVu in NYC. Terror? No Terror? | Yorick | General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005) | 22 | 02-14-2003 04:42 PM |
threat to u.s. | Zed the undead4321 | General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005) | 32 | 09-04-2002 12:25 PM |