Post your Jokes here

[Sythe]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

[Jorath Calar]

Good one [img]smile.gif[/img]

Read this before you open the picture:

3 men are sitting in a bar discussing the birthday presents they have been giving their wives.

The first one says: I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds! The 2 other are looking at him don’t knowing what he is talking about. Then he smiles and says it was a Porsche.

The second one says: I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! The 2 other are looking at him and says that must be a Ferrari. He smiles and says of cause.

What did you buy for your wife they are finally asking the third one? Oh I bought something that goes from 0 to 100 in just 2 seconds!!! That can’t be true the two other are screaming, the Ferrari is the fastest car!!! Now you may open the picture and see what he bought.


http://img282.echo.cx/img282/8200/fr...imursek3sc.jpg

[Ivelliis]

LOL both jokes are great!

The age old favourite:

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

....

Russell [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[Pop 'n Fresh]

What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle uranus in search of klingons.


Enterprise being the ship from star trek and klingons are 1 of the aliens

[Ladyzekke]

Advice from Dr. Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a fifth of Crown Royal, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

[img]graemlins/hippysmile.gif[/img]

[Grojlach]

How not to be eaten by a duck

1. Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary.
2. If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
3. Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond.
4. Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxomatosis.
5. Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.
6. Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else.
7. Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened.
8. Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.
9. If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.
10. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first.
11. Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck try to reach you then.
12. Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the ducks realise they'd be wasting their time eating you.
13. Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail.
14. Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite.
15. Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.
16. Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.
17. Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby ducklings.
18. Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people.
19. Buy a few readily-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
20. Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.
21. Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow your scent and track you to your home.
22. Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologise and go into hiding.
23. Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued shut.
24. Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.

[Ladyzekke]

Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Jani]

This was in a humor documentary. It´s not the best I´ve heard but according to the program this was the only joke they found that made poeple smile in all continents.

2 men were hunting and the other got mauled by a bear. The other guy panicked but managet to scare away the bear and called to emergency line. The person on the line asked: make sure if he´s dead. Then he heard a gun shot from the phone and the guy asking: OK. What next.

My personal favourite is:
What´s the difference between foreskin and an engineer?
Foreskin knows to step aside when the action begins.

[ 07-27-2005, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Jani ]

[VulcanRider]

BRITISH HOSPITALITY

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area. big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Oh, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.


Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy!!!"

[ 07-27-2005, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: VulcanRider ]

[T-D-C]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started........