About a poem

[Shaide]

Hello, I'm the Shaide's brother, yesterday my english teacher said me I must make a poem in this language, I've wroten and I like your opinion.

"where the night never fall down,
the moonlight is the way,
In the depth shadow of my mind,
I always meet with her,

Wish I wait you all time,
because my hope would be the death,
where the night never fall down,
I always meet with her,

Her eyes will be my light,
Her mouth, The hidden treasure of mine,
what would be the heaven
In my head ever shine

Say goodbye to the stars
who envy your sheen
in the depth shadow of my mind
your soul the gloom clean

Where the tears fill the oceans
the moonlight is the way,
I will be looking for
in the thin line between myself"

My english isnt good I know but what must I change?

Thank you for your kindness

Rada

[Epona]

Hi Shaide's brother!

I like the imagery you use, but your language needs a little brushing up. Other than that it's basically a good poem. I will try to help, I have made some suggestions and comments in bold text below.

Originally posted by Shaide: "where the night never falls down, the moonlight is the way, In the depth shadow of my mind, I always meet with her, Wish I wait you all time, this sentence doesn't make sense, try to find another way of putting it because my hope would be the death, where the night never falls down, I always meet with her, Her eyes will be my light, Her mouth, The hidden treasure of mine, what would be the heaven In my head ever shines Say goodbye to the stars who envy your sheen in the depth shadow of my mind your soul, the gloom cleans Where the tears fill the oceans the moonlight is the way, I will be looking for in the thin line between myself" not sure about the last two lines, I'm not sure what you are trying to say and it doesn't really make sense in English - try to rephrase it

I hope you find my suggestions helpful. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Shaide]

Thank you Epona, I get your suggestions, and I see very usefull.
I change like:
"Wish I wait you all time"
like
"Wish I stand here for eternity"

and

"I will be looking for
in the thin line between myself"

like

"In the darknesses of my fate,
I will be looking for her"

Thank you for your kindness again

Rada

[Epona]

You're welcome! It must be very difficult to write a poem in a different language.

I like those changes [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 05-15-2003, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: Epona ]

[Donut]

"In the depth shadow of my mind,"

This should probably read: "In the DEEP shadow of my mind" ot "In the DEPTHS of my mind"