JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

> Subject: Fw: Catholic Ole
>
>
> >> >
> >> > > When Ole moved up north he discovered that he was the only
Lutheran
> >> > > in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay,but
the
> >> > > neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every
Friday.
> >Since
> >> > they
> >> > > couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting
the
> best
> >> > > of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the
neighbors
> >> > > got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually
persuading
> >> > > him to join their church.
> >> > >
> >> > > The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his
hand
on
> >> > > Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you
were
raised
> a
> >> > > Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense
over
Ole's
> >> > > head, "now you are a Catholic!"
> >> > >
> >> > > Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the
following
> Friday
> >> > > evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of
grilled
deer
> >> > > steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk
to
him
> >> > > about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole
saying:
> >> > > "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail,
and
now,"
> >> > > he said as he sprinkled seasoningsalt over the choice
tenderloin
> cut,
> >> > > "now you are a walleye!"
--


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A couple's anniversary was coming up so that husband asks the wife if
she
would like a Jaguar for their anniversary. She says not really. He asks
if she would like a mink coat. She says no - not really. He asks if she
would like a diamond necklace. She says no - not really. He then asks
what she would like for the anniversary. The wife answers that she would
really like a divorce. The husbands says - gee I wasn't planning on
spending that much money.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Sexual Exhaustion

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for
serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, 'You can write with your other hand'.

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night
the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
she
wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey,
Do
you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains
out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
said.

So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that
night.
What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished!"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest
> Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein.
> He spends years with the people, teaching
> them to write and the good Christian ways
> of the white man. One thing he particularly
> stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must
> not commit adultery or fornication!
>
> One day the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen
> gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked
> and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the
> missionary.
>
> "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin,
> yet here a black woman gives birth to white child.
> You are the only white man that has ever set foot
> in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out
> what has been going on!"
>
> The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man.
> You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural
> occurrence-what is called THE ALBINO. Look to the
> yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet
> amongst them is one black one. Nature does this
> on occasion."
>
> The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you
> what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't
> say anything about the white child!"
>


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left
> his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it
till
> she's fourteen.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
>
> When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and
> the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee
> to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> What do they call "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat it,
and
> one to watch out for traffic.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Where was the toothbrush invented?
>
> Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a
> teethbrush.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to
the
> driver, "Got any ID?"
>
> The driver says, "Bout what?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? The winner
> gets $3 a year for a million years.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas
burned
> down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
> When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward
> each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey
Tommy
> Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
>
> "Jus' some chickens."
>
> "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
>
> "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give ya both of 'em."
>
> "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
> Florida have in common?
>
> Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next
> door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here.
My
house
> is on fire!"
>
> "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
>
> "Don't you still have those big red trucks?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Why do folks in Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
> more?
>
> 'Cuz 17 and under aren't admitted.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
>
> A full set of teeth
>
>


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A HOLE BEHIND

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,
he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained
his, confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her
again, with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he
knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played
the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Showing no mercy, JJ lets the onslaught of humor continue unabated


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my
wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are
you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"She's got that 'chewing gum' walk: very Wrigley!" - Ralphie Wiggum
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that
she should take out life insurance.

"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you
get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a
parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Illiterate? Write today for free help." - Anonymous classified ad
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes,
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and
said, "Does this look natural?"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To