Joke World 02-01-09

[Arvon]

The door is open!

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down… and that’s when you realize… you have been listening to your ipod.

[VulcanRider]

Werds of wizdum frum around the werld..

-“If you want to travel fast, travel alone. If you want to travel far, travel together. If you want to travel in comfort, fake an ankle sprain and convince the other travelers to carry you.” -- Ashanti
-“Beware the eye of the tiger, for he is a survivor, and he knows many power ballads.” -- Mulleti
-“Give a man a fish, he will eat today. Promise a man a million fish, he will contribute heap big wampum to your tribal election campaign fund.” -- Iroqouis
-“While the polar bear bickers with the seal, that fat asshole walrus snarfs all the fish.” -- Inuit
-“All around us is a dream; the sky above and land we walk. Kangaroo dung is the nightmares.” -- Aborigine
-“The man who builds his well at a distance soon laments when his wife’s mustache catches fire.” -- Khazhak
-“Do not curse the crow who has stolen you chili; tomorrow his rectum will curse the dawn.” -- Thai
-“The happy man has two chickens; the wise man shares one with the man who has none. The prudent man reports the happy man to the authorities, so they can wise him up.” -- Cuban
-“The tawny kitten writhes before the white snake.” -- Mulleti
- “Do not waste your time talking to the yak. Because yakkity yak don’t talk back.” -- Mongolian
-“Remember that the egg of power will drop if held too loosely; and an egg cannot break a rock. Okay, maybe if it’s some sort of crazy unbreakable super-duper-power egg. But then you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and neither can you make an omelet with broken rocks. It would taste like crap, and be hella hard on your teeth enamel. That is why you should probably just order the waffles.” -- Luo
-“Even the wisest turtle cannot understand the sea. Get real dude, he’s a ■■■■■■■ turtle.” -- Samoan
- “Beware the Bwana in khaki who hires you for the crew of his TV wildlife documentary, for he is often a lousy tipper.” -- Zulu
- “The camel has journeyed a thousand miles to reach the oasis palm, and yet he cannot get a date. Not smelling like that, anyway.” -- Moroccan
- “Working together, two men can do the work of three. The trick is convincing those two other suckers to work together.” -- Romanian
- “The blue oyster does not fear the reaper.” -- Mulleti
- “The clever old leopard does not fear double parking in Midtown, for his limo has UN plates and he has diplomatic immunity.” -- Malawi
- “If your canoe springs a leak, drill a bigger hole to let the water to drain out.” -- Arapazowee (extinct tribe)
- “Do not barter your ox if it is still under warrantee.” -- Tamil
- “A watched head never shrinks.” -- New Guinean
- “The single lotus blossom that brushes against river jade can defeat an army of steel fire-dragon. Well, okay, maybe that’s just the opium talking.” -- Chinese
- “The lazy monkey mocks the noble lion from the safety of the baobob tree — until the lion pulls out his surprise chain saw. Who’s laughing now, monkey? But it turns out the joke is on both of them, because here comes Marlin Perkins and his surprise tranquilizer darts.” --- Senegalese
- “Every rose has its thorn — made from poison.” -- Mulleti
- “A wise man offers his millet to be shared among the village, for his gift will be repaid a thousand times in gratitude. A wiser man takes somebody else’s millet and offers it to the village. Guess what? Same gratitude, and extra millet for good ol’ numero uno.” -- Ethiopian
- “The loyal dog feasts, but the treacherous cat no can haz cheezburgr.” -- Hungarian
- “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. And for god’s sake, bring some deodorant.” -- Lao Tse, The Personal Hygiene of War
- “The comrade who is late to work will only get the last swig of the vodka. Even then it’s probably half backwash.” -- Russian
- “Embrace the foreigner, for he only wants to know what love is.” -- Mulleti
- “The power of the leader is like his loincloth: worn too tight it will ride up and chafe, worn too loose it will expose all his junk.” -- Ibo

[Arvon]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minoroperation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatredoor to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The secondman comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[Arvon]

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"

[Bungleau]

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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That's enough for the first day. Great job.

[Gangrell]

Buddy of mine is a big Chuck Norris fan, so I thought I'd look up some jokes for him.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When Chuck Norris urinates, he is capable of welding titanium.

[Arvon]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

[Arvon]

No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care.

But she never gives up hope.

While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window.

"Look," she whispered, "death row."

[Bungleau]

The company decided to expand its hiring practices, so the company hired several cannibals. Each attended the company orientation. They attended all the classes and were given all the employee benefits. However, they were told in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed to eat any of their fellow employees. Each cannibal agreed.

Weeks later, the human resource director noticed one of the administrative assistants had disappeared. She approached the cannibals but they all denied any knowledge of the disappearance.

When the director left, the cannibal leader asked, “Which one of you did this?” A hand went up. The leader screamed, “You idiot! For weeks we’ve been eating the salespeople and not one person noticed! But you ruined it all by eating someone important!!!”

[Arvon]

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.