A story I wrote(would like a critical analysis)

[Fljotsdale]

Originally posted by Shadowstrider: stayed his tire is bad slang =) means he was tired but he didn't rest(like stayed his hand)

Think he probably meant 'stayed his ire' ('ire' being anger or annoyance) so it would mean 'held back his anger'



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[Fljotsdale]

Ok. Here are your first two paragraphs:

Perched high above the the windswept valley, three black robed figures stood watching the valley floor. Above even them, on the summit of the valley, stood another black cloaked figure. The four dark figures sat in wait for passers by, so they could take their money, or their lives and their money.
On the road below four travelers passed by. Heavily clothed and still cold. the first snows had yet to fall in this lonely valley stretch, but colder then some of the coldest days of winter.

Here is how I edited them to improve sentence structure, narrative flow, and sense:

Perched on the windswept cliff, just above the road, three black-robed figures stood watching the valley floor below. On a ledge high above them, commanding a view of the entire valley, stood a 4th black clad figure. Their eyes were cold and hard.
The first snows had yet to fall in this lonely valley stretch, but it felt colder than the coldest of mid-winter days.
Approaching them on the roadway were four travellers. They were heavily clothed in winter gear but still looked cold.

Check EXACTLY what I have done. Compare it word for word with what you have written. See if you can tell why I cut some stuff out, why I added other bits in. I could have done more to it - but it is YOUR story, not mine, so I kept my interferance to a minimum.
Try to do the same with the rest of it!


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[This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 06-17-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 06-17-2001).]

[Shadowstrider]

this is not a bump. Think of it as a temporary life enhancement.

[Shadowstrider]

the doctor found a cure for his fear of heights so he is now going to the top. =P

[Moridin]

Hmmmmm.....it is not good, nor is it bad

Description, description, description! That is my advice. A reader needs to form a mental image of what is happening. You need to provide the details for this mental image. You should put more detail into the look of the characters, their mannerisms, any oddities they may have. You have to describe the surroundings. It is not good enough to say "They stood in a clearing". You have to describe it. Is it dark? Are there any sounds? Are the trees tall or short? Are they close together or sparse? What else is in the clearing? Is there any feeling in the air, damp, cool...? This is your story and you want to control it so the reader can form a similar image in their mind when reading it as you have in your mind while writing it.

I don't know if this helps or is just jibberish........I look forward to reading more!

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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.