I wrote this...

[Fljotsdale]

Just as an example, I'll go over your first paragraph, ok? I'm only fixing the grammer, nothing else, not touching the way you tell the story.

Yours:
Once upon a time, there was a large moutainside, where an eagle's nest was rested. The eagle's nest countained four large eagle eggs. And one day, an earth quake shaked the mountainside and one of the eggs fell down the cliff, to a chicken farm. (45 words)

My revision:
Once upon a time there was a large mountain where an eagle's nest rested. The nest contained four large eggs. One day, an earthquake shook the mountain, and one of the eggs fell down the cliff to a chicken farm. (40 words)

You will notice that I have removed some words that did not need to be there (NEVER use more words than you NEED). Check which ones, and ask yourself why. I have corrected the tense and form of 'shaked' (incorrect) to make it 'shook' (correct), and the spelling of 'countained' (which may have been a typo!) to 'contained', and have altered 'mountainside' to 'mountain' simply because it sounds better, not because 'mountainside' is incorrect. Oh, and notice where I have altered punctuation.

Hope that helps!

Do you do much reading?


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[This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 09-23-2001).]

[250]

Originally posted by Fljotsdale: Do you do much reading?

that sure helps! I shall go over it again!

I do much reading... but what can I say... focus too much on the ideas maybe?

[Fljotsdale]

Originally posted by 250: that sure helps! I shall go over it again! I do much reading... but what can I say... focus too much on the ideas maybe?

Yeah, more than likely! Pick up a story that you like and know well - maybe one you have read several times - and start to read it WITHOUT concentrating on the ideas.
Look at the WAY the writer tells the story. Notice how s/he uses punctuation; how a thought carried from one sentence to the next does not necessarily need to have the subject repeated ('eagle's nest' is EXPECTED to contain 'eagle's eggs, so you only need to mention what sort of eggs they are if they are NOT eagle's eggs). Look at the impact of a short sentence as compared to a long sentence, and HOW the writer uses both to create mood, etc.
Particularly look at words that convey tense/time - like shook, shake, shaken. You need to have these consistent or your reader will feel confused.
If you can get through a short story doing this diligently you will get some grasp of how to use the language yourself without ever having to look at a book of grammar! (Perish the thought!)
Just concentrate on HOW the author writes, not on the story!

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[250]

Originally posted by Fljotsdale: Yeah, more than likely! Pick up a story that you like and know well - maybe one you have read several times - and start to read it WITHOUT concentrating on the ideas. Look at the WAY the writer tells the story. Notice how s/he uses punctuation; how a thought carried from one sentence to the next does not necessarily need to have the subject repeated ('eagle's nest' is EXPECTED to contain 'eagle's eggs, so you only need to mention what sort of eggs they are if they are NOT eagle's eggs). Look at the impact of a short sentence as compared to a long sentence, and HOW the writer uses both to create mood, etc. Particularly look at words that convey tense/time - like shook, shake, shaken. You need to have these consistent or your reader will feel confused. If you can get through a short story doing this diligently you will get some grasp of how to use the language yourself without ever having to look at a book of grammar! (Perish the thought!) Just concentrate on HOW the author writes, not on the story!

thanks, thats gold indeed! I shall look into it!