Help Requested: Civilian Funeral

[Felix The Assassin]

Fellow IW's, the saddening time has arrived, and am asking for your assistance. Except for my Father's, which was a dual Masonic/VFW funeral. It has been over 30 years since I have attended a civilian funeral, and will face this task in the coming weekend. The departed is the son of our daughter's soccer coach. There is no solid family/friendship connection, only casual/team, and more so of the players, than the adults. He was 17, and had a severe automobile accident with massive head trauma. Therefore, there will not be a 'wake' nor will it be open casket. Visitation is Friday afternoon, and the funeral is Saturday.

Two other retired Army families with children/players will be joining us in the movement to the facility, and the events of both days, and we all have the same basic questions:
1. What should we bring, send, or deliver? (Is it expected?)
2. The Step-Father is retired Army, so we know what to say to him. But, what should be said to the birth Mother?
3. How long does one visit at a visitation?

Peace Out
Felix

[johnny]

Sorry to hear that felix.

I didn't even know it was custom to bring something, but if you really have to, just bring some flowers. It's just a token of sympathy, so what else can you give ? No fancy words either, your condolences are enough.

[robertthebard]

In my experience, the visitation was a viewing as well. We stayed long enough to pass on condolences, and view the body. Flowers are probably fine.

[sageridder]

1 flowers to the furnal home with simple note of condoleance.
2 again brief but just sorry for your loss he was a good person made a differance in the childerens lives.
3 10 mins after what is really uncomfortable just make sure the kids have had a chance to say something if they are comfortable doing so.

It sounds more or less this is really a loss for you'r kids they would be the benchmark for this.You don't want to stay longer than the kids are comfortable but stay long enough they have a chance to work up the nerve to say goodby if they want.I think to do it right they are in charge for this ride.If you force them in any direction you will be the bad guy,sucks to be you in this but that's the sacrifice end of the deal of being a good dad in this case.Stay as long as they want and talk to them after but it might take hours days or weeks being a good dad is a hard job.Good luck.

[ 11-23-2006, 02:51 AM: Message edited by: sageridder ]

[Sir Krustin]

Speaking as a person who's mother died recently, I'd say just being there and shaking hands with everyone at the lineup and a heartfelt comment or two is all that's required. Hugging someone close is acceptable.

Trying to get too talkative or generous just gets abrasive, nobody will care how much you bring. If you're a relative, it can be a big boost to the family just being there.

[Bungleau]

What to bring or send -- have they requested donations be made to any memorial fund, special organization, or such? If so, do that. Flowers, while appropriate, are less appropriate the less you know the person.

As to his mother... express your condolences. There's no "right" thing to say... just let her know that you cared enough to be there. Then move on.

How long? Long enough to pay respects, talk to anyone you *need* to, and that's it. Half hour to an hour, I would expect.

Last year, the wife of one of our consultants died. The company sent flowers... I showed up, paid my respects, talked to him for a couple of minutes, looked at the pictures on display, and left. Total time was less than half an hour... more than he needed. He let me know afterward that he appreciated me showing up.

[Felix The Assassin]

Thanks all, some really good advice here.
@Sage-I think that is it, let the children have the lead, and take it from there.

This has been the one time that I actually feel my~space was a good .com. All of the kids have been on together, sharing stories and pictures within a limited group. I was unaware of this "limited group" admittance their, but only the 'group' was allowed in, I tried and was not allowed acess, so kudos for this.
As the school week was limited for the holiday to start with, it seems there was no scholastic achievement conducted on Tuesday. Most students were just in rememberance, or in grieving. Daniel actually passed Monday night, leaving school officals to make the public announcment to the four schools where he was known, as the paper was already printed, and modern technology via the cell phone, had the information flow.
Daniel was known throught the two High Schools, and the two feeder Middle schools, where he either assisted, coached, or umpired youth league soccer from the youth 6 league to youth 14, and played both HS Varsity, and youth 16. His loss is a tough one, and a hard position to fill. 'Vent Off'.

Peace Out~
Felix