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Old 05-30-2003, 03:43 AM   #1
shadowhound
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: November 24, 2001
Location: Australia
Age: 37
Posts: 3,281
One of my fave websites, www.brunching.com has closed, much to my sadness...
But they have created www.bookofratings.com instead, this site rates practically Everything from "kitchen utensils that only do one thing" to "warning symbols"

DEADLY SINS

Sloth
I'm big on sloth. Sloth is cheap, and easy to get. You need a partner or at least an object to get the most out of lust, gluttony and avarice both take something of a financial investment, but sloth is damned convenient. You can get in some quality sloth in your own bedroom, watching TV or even at the office. And if anyone gives you a hard time about it, just point out that by doing nothing, you're helping to slow down the endless march of entropy and delay the eventual heat death of the universe. B+

Gluttony
Most people group sloth and gluttony together as the Slob Sins, but the fact is that your dedicated glutton puts a lot of effort into his or her sin. Finding the stores with the pillowcase-sized bags of potato chips, checking out which lunch buffets shut down at 2:00 and which go on until 3:30, taping Nabisco commercials--gluttony can be hard work. Take time out to give a glutton you know a pat on the back and a bite of your sandwich, just to say "Hey, thanks for being a glutton." C+

Wrath
Lousy sin. Unsociable, bad on the nerves, and drives property values down. And what do you have to show for it? An ulcer and bruised knuckles, that's what. And it's so vulgar. Take it from me, pass on the wrath. Not only will you be less damned, you'll be happier. D

Lust
Ah, lust. Putting the "deadly" back into the Seven Deadly Sins. The nasty thing is that while you need to trade liquids to get dead from lust, all you have to do to be damned to eternal hellfire and torment is lust in your heart. Talk about insult to injury. I lust in my heart all the time-- heart, brain, endocrine glands, the whole shebang. Even if I WANTED to not lust, I'm not sure how I'd go about it. Still, of all the deadly sins, this one is its own reward. B

Pride
I'm not sure how this one works. Is plain old everyday pride sinful or do you have to get into the realm of hubris before you're in trouble? Do you go to hell for saying "this is a pretty tasty three-bean salad I've made, if I do say so myself," or do you have to say "why, I bet this is a better three-bean salad than GOD could make"? And what about self-esteem? My high school counselors were always pushing self-esteem on me. Were they pawns of the Adversary? So many questions. C

Envy
This is another of those thinking sins. Do you get damned for THINKING about another slice of pie? Do you burn for CONSIDERING hitting the snooze alarm? No, of course not, but all you have to do is covet something of someone else's and boom, you're a brimstone hors d'oeuvre. You don't have to lay a HAND on your neighbor's manservant to get the ecclesiastical zot. There should really be some sort of appeals process. C-

Avarice
Also known as greed. Got a lot of good press in the eighties. Still has a lot of supporters. If gluttony were as popular as greed the snack food industry would own us all like so much stacked firewood. The problem with avarice is that it gets pretty ludicrous pretty quickly. From billionaires buying a dozen gold cadillacs to bozos gushing over costume jewelry on the Home Shopping Network, greedy people inevitably end up looking goofy in public. D
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Old 05-30-2003, 05:28 AM   #2
Faceman
Hathor
 

Join Date: February 18, 2002
Location: Vienna
Age: 42
Posts: 2,248
funny as hell...

Beholder

The biggest disappointment in the D&D movie (a phrase equivalent to "the dustiest end table in Pompeii") was the five seconds of CGI beholder action in which this eleven hit-die aberration is fooled by the old "throw a pebble" trick. Ooh, I'm angry. Beholders are much cooler than that. Their array of eyes is a veritable snack machine of doom, provided said snack machine was stocked with deadly magic rays. And Funyuns. Gotta have Funyuns. Add to that skin that made "chitinous plates" a household name, the ability to fly, and a standard-issue toothy maw and you've got experience points that you've got to earn the ■■■■ out of. A+

Githyanki

I complain about the boring descriptive names of D&D monsters, but if this is the alternative, it's just as well. "Githyanki" sounds like one of those midwestern lake names that means "the place those white people keep asking about" in Pawnee. The githyanki (plural, "whole bunch of githyanki") live on the Astral Plane, which is a place adventurers can go when they've completely wrecked the economy of their home world by flooding it with gold and portable holes. They often have silver swords that can cut the magical cord binding astrally projected creatures to their home dimensions, which I'm led to understand is badass. This is entirely mitigated by the fact that they look like angry, emaciated Smurfs. D+

Umber Hulk

It's amazing what you can come up with using a thesaurus and a box of 128 Crayolas. I'm just sorry the Burnt Sienna Leviathan didn't make the cut. The umber hulk looks like a cross between a stag beetle and Jesse Ventura (or, in more recent incarnations, a cross between an African harvester termite and Crispin Glover): a big bipedal insect with those weird insect clampy jaws and claws and fingers and bleh. It has the power to confuse onlookers, which is a power more D&D monsters should have. "So this is, what? A perfectly round bird with five legs? I don't get it. What kind of monster is OW MY HIT POINTS!" B

Mimic

One reason that D&D is better than video games based on D&D is that in the tabletop version mimics sometimes disguise themselves as something other than chests. Computer roleplaying games often have mimics--imitation mimics, if you can wrap your head around that--which are always disguised as chests. Chest chest chest. It makes you wish that digital orcs would stick their electrum pieces in a foot locker or some variety of credenza, just to break the ennui of another piratey-looking wooden chest suddenly sprouting limbs and beating you to within an inch of your save file. It would be refreshing like the breezes of summer to be able to say "Hey! I just had my clavicle shattered by an aluminum tool shed!" B-
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