 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
10-26-2001, 12:39 PM
|
#11 |
|
Takhisis Follower
 Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Mandurah, West Australia
Age: 60
Posts: 5,073
|
Just posting the Bookshop sketch myself
 .The sketch: Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning. Proprietor: Good morning, sir. Can I help you? Customer: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.? Proprietor: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir.... Customer: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"? Proprietor: ...By? Customer: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment. Proprietor: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.... Customer: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield"? Proprietor: Ah, yes, Dickens. Customer: No.... Proprietor: (pause) I beg your pardon? Customer: No, Edmund Wells. Proprietor: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir.... Customer: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells. Proprietor: "David Coperfield" with one P? Customer: Yes, I should have said. Proprietor: Yes, well in that case we don't have it. Customer: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here.... Proprietor: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells. Customer: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens. Proprietor: More THOROUGH?!? Customer: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper- field"s... Proprietor: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's. Customer: Are you quite sure? Proprietor: Quite. Customer: Not worth just looking? Proprietor: Definitely not. Customer: Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"? Proprietor: Yes, well we have that.... Customer: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells. Proprietor: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular. Customer: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S. Proprietor: (taciturn) No. Customer: "Khristmas Karol" with a K? Proprietor: (really quite perturbed) No.... Customer: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"? Proprietor: DEFINITELY NOT. Customer: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you.... Proprietor: Not at all.... Customer: Good morning. Proprietor: Good morning. Customer: (turning around) Oh! Proprietor: (deep breath) Yesss? Customer: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"? Proprietor: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells! Customer: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens. Proprietor: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens?? Customer: Yes. Proprietor: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"! Customer: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author. Proprietor: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's? Customer: I did, They sent me here. Proprietor: DID they. Customer: Oh, I wonder... Proprietor: Oh, do go on, please. Customer: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stout-Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight. Proprietor: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,-- Customer: Oh, well do, do you have-- Proprietor: No, we haven't. No, we haven't. Customer: B-b-b-but-- Proprietor: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're closing for lunch-- Customer: Ah, I--I saw it-- Proprietor: I'm sorry-- Customer: I saw it over there! I saw it... Proprietor: What? What? WHAT?!? Customer: I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds". Proprietor: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"? Customer: Yes... Proprietor: O-L-S-E-N? Customer: Yes.... Proprietor: B-I-R-D-S?? Customer: Yes..... Proprietor: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact.... Customer: The expurgated version.... Proprietor: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...? Customer: The expurgated version. Proprietor: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?!?!?!?!? Customer: (desperately) The one without the gannet! Proprietor: The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the books!!! Customer: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests. Proprietor: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other birds you don't like?! Customer: I don't like the robin... Proprietor: (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (rrrip!) There you are, any others you don't like, any others? Customer: The nuthatch? Proprietor: Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins, NO nuthatches, THERE's your book! Customer: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn! Proprietor: (incoherent noise) Customer: Ah, I wonder if you have-- Proprietor: Go, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a bookshop!! Customer: Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"? Proprietor: No, no, we don't have that one, funny! Customer: "The Gospel According to Charlie Drake"? Proprietor: No, no, no, try me again! Customer: Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying". Proprietor: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT?????? Customer: "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying". Proprietor: "Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!! Customer: (quickly) I don't have enough money. Proprietor: (desperate) I'll take a deposit! Customer: I don't have ANY money! Proprietor: I'll take a cheque!! Customer: I don't have a cheque! Proprietor: I'll take a blank one!! Customer: I don't have a bank account!! Proprietor: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now.. Customer: Wait, wait, wait! Proprietor: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!! Customer: I can't read!!! Proprietor: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she might a nice little quantity surveyor..." (fade out) ------------------  Ironworks Revolutionary Splitter wannabe Founding Member, and General Demands Adviser of the O.R.T. |
|
|
10-26-2001, 12:47 PM
|
#12 |
|
Lord Soth
 Join Date: March 5, 2001
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,948
|
Follow him outside and then kill him. You will be doing the world a favor. I can't believe that.
------------------ "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -General George Patton (1885-1945)  Member of CLAN HADB |
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 12:49 PM
|
#13 |
|
Elminster
 Join Date: July 2, 2001
Location: Denmark
Posts: 460
|
ROLFMAO! Davros
|
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 12:58 PM
|
#14 |
|
Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
|
Thanx for the assist Davros, I been out to town for a little while and just got back!
------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark |
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 12:59 PM
|
#15 |
|
Dracolisk
 Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Age: 43
Posts: 6,541
|
That is so incredibly stupid! I hope he was just having a bad day or something *shakes head in disbelief
------------------ Melusine, Sultry Elflet, High Queen of Fluffies, Archbabe of the OHF, LH, HADB and ORT!  Your voice is ambrosia Amy Brown Fantasy Art |
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 06:39 PM
|
#16 |
|
Harper
 Join Date: October 6, 2001
Location: Iceland
Posts: 4,706
|
Thank you Davros, that is one of my fave MP scetch, I was thinking of posting in the MP thread if someone had the transscript to it but wasn't sure how to ask... I've been looking for it for ages, I have it on tape which I found in the basement recently, the recording is from like 1987 or so
Thanks you, made my day.And Melusine, believe it, it did happen. ------------------ 
|
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 06:50 PM
|
#17 | |
|
Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
|
Quote:
------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark |
|
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 06:52 PM
|
#18 |
|
Ironworks Atomic Moderator
 Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Virginia, U.S.A.
Age: 57
Posts: 9,005
|
I remember I was carded in a convenience store once (buying beer
), so I showed my I.D. The cashier kept looking at it and at me, and then asked me "Is this really your I.D. or is it your twin sisters"? ?? ??  ?? ?? Guess she thought I did not look old enough? dunno LOL... So anyways, I says "No I don't have a twin sister, and even if I did, she would be the same age as me would she not"? The whole thing just cinched my brain, I stopped trying to figure out what she was thinking, cause it just hurt too much! ------------------  
|
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 06:54 PM
|
#19 | |
|
Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: VT, USA
Age: 63
Posts: 3,097
|
Quote:
[Edit] Trust me, this is Sage Advice!  ------------------ Still The Most Humbly Prideful (?) Member Of The Illuminati! Mark [This message has been edited by skywalker (edited 10-26-2001).] |
|
|
|
|
10-26-2001, 07:01 PM
|
#20 |
|
Ironworks Atomic Moderator
Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Virginia, U.S.A.
Age: 57
Posts: 9,005
|
Skywalker, ever known people who get really angry when their food order is not correct, and they get snipey and complain? Bad move in my opinion LOL. As the same ones that they complained to are going to be the ones re-making the order!
I take your sage advice, and toss you one in return ------------------
|
|
|
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
|
|
Similar Threads
|
||||
| Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
| The Laughing Hyenas | Yorick | General Discussion | 14 | 12-09-2006 09:52 AM |
| I almost died laughing | Tancred | General Conversation Archives (11/2000 - 01/2005) | 12 | 03-31-2003 09:38 AM |
| Do you think Saddam is Laughing? | Charean | General Discussion | 7 | 03-14-2003 06:55 AM |
| Oracles laughing at me??? | frostg1ant | Wizards & Warriors Forum | 10 | 03-27-2002 09:33 AM |
| Where are the laughing Hyenas? | Horatio | Baldurs Gate II Archives | 2 | 10-22-2001 12:29 PM |
