08-07-2002, 02:58 PM | #1 |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.' Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration ****************************************** Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? What do people in China call their good plates? Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts |
08-07-2002, 03:00 PM | #2 |
Iron Throne Cult
Join Date: June 3, 2001
Location: There is no IRL, Only AFK.
Age: 35
Posts: 4,896
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LOL, Some Of Them Are Pretty Funny,
But Where Have You Been John, It's Been A While [img]smile.gif[/img] Just Re-Read This One: "Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?" ROFL!! [ 08-07-2002, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: Beaumanoir ]
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My pokemon bring all the boys to the yard, and they're like; you wanna trade cards? Damn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my Charizard. |
08-07-2002, 03:09 PM | #3 |
Symbol of Bane
Join Date: November 26, 2001
Location: Texas
Age: 75
Posts: 8,167
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How about, why do you become so much defter when you stick your tongue to your lip?
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Even Heroes sometimes fail... |
08-07-2002, 05:25 PM | #4 | |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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Quote:
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Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts |
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08-16-2002, 03:40 PM | #5 | |
Red Dragon
Join Date: December 5, 2001
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Age: 38
Posts: 1,557
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Quote:
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<br />\"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five\" - Groucho Marx<br />Member of the ORT Clan. <br />\"Some birds are not meant to be caged because their feathers are too bright\"<br />Ma bouche sera la bouche des malheurs qui n\'ont point de bouche, ma voix, la liberté de celles qui s\'affaissent au cachot du désespoir. - Aimé Césaire<br />La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où l\'on n\'a pas ri. - Sébastien Roch Nicolas |
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