08-29-2002, 10:36 PM | #1 |
Ninja Storm Shadow
Join Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Northport,Alabama, USA
Age: 62
Posts: 3,577
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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. ************* Old Is When "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. #@w$X"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. **************** GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD : 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . .not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. ********************* Advanced Strategies for Tribal Wisdom The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired". 8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed. 10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance. 11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses. 14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts |
08-29-2002, 10:51 PM | #2 |
Red Wizard of Thay
Join Date: November 23, 2001
Location: That coffee stain on your map (Australia)
Age: 37
Posts: 868
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ROFLMAO!!!!!!! LOL, great stuff.
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<br />2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. |
08-29-2002, 11:05 PM | #3 |
Symbol of Bane
Join Date: November 26, 2001
Location: Texas
Age: 75
Posts: 8,167
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LOL, John, that was great. I just wanna get to the age when to be successful, you don't have to be having sex.
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Even Heroes sometimes fail... |
08-30-2002, 01:21 AM | #4 |
Jack Burton
Join Date: March 21, 2001
Location: Philippines, but now Harbor City Sydney
Age: 41
Posts: 5,556
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i like the success part.. too funny [img]smile.gif[/img]
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Catch me if you can.. |
08-30-2002, 09:00 AM | #5 |
Manshoon
Join Date: July 15, 2002
Location: Los Angeles
Age: 49
Posts: 213
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Here's a good beer trouble shooting guide, courtesy of a good friend of mine in Houston who was Garn, son of Lorick, the fighter in our D&D 3rd ed. party. Cool thing about Garn, he now has a wicked scar on his face caused by holy water. He was killed and reanimated by a Zombie Lord and our bard threw a vial in his face. Anyway, heres the link.
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ian/Public/H...erTroubleshoot
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[img]\"http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/AngAvs/avatar6517_2.jpg\" alt=\" - \" /><br />A Thinking Monkey told me. |
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