Serious topic for Fathers...Mothers may be offended...

[Larry_OHF]

If you are a mother, then please do not prejudge me. If you are a father that has different views than I, please do not hold it against me. I would like to see what other fathers out in the world feel about this topic...

My wife is rather angry that I feel the way I do about our daughter. She is 13 months old. She has not yet learned to walk or talk but still crawls around everywhere. With that introduction, let me spell out why my wife is angry with me, then I will explain the reasoning behind it.
There is a Cherokee belief that a newborne is not considered a person until the first time it smiles (or laughs). The person that is responsible for that action is held in high honor by the family.
I sort of have the same mind set. My wife claims that she has loved the baby the same way since birth, and I can understand that, because the child was actually attached to her, physically and mentally, even before birth. I am the one that cut that cord to separate them. However, the bond between mother and child are never separable.
With a dad, it is different. To me, sure, I care for the child, but I see her as more of a burdon to carry. I feed her, dress her, provide roof and protection. I make sacrifices for her. Yet all I get in return is WAAAAHH! Well, that is why I see Marybeth as a burdon. Now, she has been showing some more human responses like looking at me and smiling, or having fun and laughing as she is rocking in a rocking chair. She likes to be near me. This is a start of a love for her that I am developing. It is different from two months ago. My love for her has grown. I told my wife that the day that she can actually speak to me, and say..."Daddy, I love you!" is the day that can consider my love for my child really starting. It all has to do with communication, and sharing. To love our wives, they love us back. Marriage is a shared love. If my wife did not return the love to me, I would not think our marriage was successful. Yet she does, and so our marriage is good. I can actually love my little girl when she can express with her own thoughts, her love for me. And when she does communicate that to me, my love for her will make an incredible leap!. Yet, at this time...I only get WAAAH!
My wife is upset at me for not feeling the way she does...(100% from the start).
I am bothered that it is hard for her to understand that I want love in return to make it mutual.

Now...the question...Am I the only father that feels this way?


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Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club

[Lord of Alcohol]

If I had a child it I would love him/her/who cares from the day they were conceived without reservation.

[John D Harris]

Larry, I can understand your feelings. (IMHO) As men all childern are adopted to us, since we can not carry them from conception. Our childern do not become a reality to us until we hold them. That is not to say that our love for our childern is any less strong or valid, just differant. We can not grasp the feeling of haveing a life grow inside of us (I know I'm preaching to the choir)

*note RULE any General statments by diffenition have exceptions or they would be absolut statements.

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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[Larry_OHF]

Originally posted by Lord of Alcohol: If I had a child I would love him/her/from the day they were conceived without reservation.

I used to say the same thing.
It is different once you have one, though.
Believe me, I used to get all teary eyed when I saw a little girl holding her daddy's hand.
Now that I have one, I am just waiting for her to grow up big enough to hold my hand.
Then, hopefully things will be different.

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Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club

[This message has been edited by Larry_OHF (edited 08-16-2001).]

[Larry_OHF]

Originally posted by John D Harris: Larry, I can understand your feelings. (IMHO) As men all children are adopted to us, since we can not carry them from conception. Our childern do not become a reality to us until we hold them. That is not to say that our love for our childern is any less strong or valid, just differant. We can not grasp the feeling of having a life grow inside of us...

Thank you for that remark. That, I can understand.



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Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club

[bilqis]

One thing I've always found interesting about my ex is that while he loves the kids, he has very little tolerance for them being "children". He expects them to behave as adults. I have reminded him numerous times that our job as parents is to teach them how to behave as adults, they are not just born knowing important social skills. Doesn't matter tho. He still gets frustrated with them. It gets better the older they get, but when they were really young, it was tough sometimes.

Wonder if what Larry is dealing with is a similar sort of thing?

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Having abandoned my
search for truth, I am
now looking for a good
fantasy.

For R³ in thanks:
Sometimes I think I
understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.

[Larry_OHF]

Originally posted by bilqis: One thing I've always found interesting about my ex is that while he loves the kids, he has very little tolerance for them being "children". He expects them to behave as adults. I have reminded him numerous times that our job as parents is to teach them how to behave as adults, they are not just born knowing important social skills. Doesn't matter tho. He still gets frustrated with them. It gets better the older they get, but when they were really young, it was tough sometimes. Wonder if what Larry is dealing with is a similar sort of thing?

You may be right. Th older she gets, the better she acts, and the less crying she does. For example...right now, when she cries, I have to try and figure out why. Usually it is because she sees one of us leave the room. That makes her think we have left her, or something stupid like that, even though the other one of us is there. She just sees me leave, and don't care that mom is right behind her. Well, a 5 year old will not do that. I just hate to hear her cry. I have a low tolerance to it. Especially in the car, as we are driving, and suddenly, she lets this ear piercing, window shattering scream as though she'd been bitten by a monster...and the only thing wrong with her is that she dropped her stupid toy. I just about wreck when she scares me like that, then I have to pul over and find the toy. Nobody on here can blame me for hoping that she grows up really quick.




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Devoted member of the Ironworks
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Member of the Ancients' club

[Sazerac]

Larry, I understand you 100%. It's why in this lifetime I pledged NOT to have children...and my wife is in 100% agreement on this as well. (I wouldn't have married her, otherwise...I wouldn't do that to a person.)

I must admit I had sympathy for Sean Connery's character as Indiana Jones' dad in "The Last Crusade" when he tells his son, "You left home right when you started to get interesting."

Some people are able to relate to those little ones on a deep, intrinsic level. I have the utmost respect for them, and realize that I'm not one of them. Children frighten me, for the most part. As an only child, I grew up mainly around adults. Other children terrorized me for much of my own childhood, and I guess I still carry that reservation around with me today.

Don't feel badly. I think a lot of people feel the way you do.



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I can easily see how men can feel that way.
I can just as easily see how your wife might feel hurt by it since a mother's love knows no bounds. Try to understand her love for your child is deeper than you can imagine any love being.
Your daughter will grow up and grow on you and when she is old enough to leave you are going to cry.
Try to understand she is a new little person and know that time will fly...seriously, you are going to turn around "tomorrow" and she'll be an adult

*Hugs*
Moni

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Pets Need Love Too

[Harkoliar]

as i am still a teenager and going (hopefully) to be a would-be father in the future, i am just listening to your own actual reality opinions.

personal thought though, my family recently adopted my baby brother. i used to be the youngest (not anymore though). its kinda tough really, being 18 years older than him. i try to be patient, but i do understand the "waaaahhh" part. in college, im studying the different types of cognitive, behavioral, psycosocial and other info given by the famous psyc people. ive also learned that you must give that certain bond to you baby at a very young age and not ignore her all the time. because of that, she will develop a certain trust in this world and she will grow up to trust others as well as you (good trait). have patience since the child does not know her own consequence at you. she is as you may call it egocentric at the starting stages. it all came out from the book, although i dont know if its true, im still watching my younger brother grow up

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Revived I Am to hunt this world... Banish ye evil or face my wrath...