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View Poll Results: What did you think?
Sweet 2 28.57%
WTF was that? 5 71.43%
you might want to read my comment 0 0%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 7. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 02-22-2008, 01:49 AM   #11
Illumina Drathiran'ar
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Location: I can see the Manhattan skyline from my window.
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

Oh, I forgot about Detroit...

I was wondering something. When Detroit lost out to Camden, New Jersey in the city with the highest crime rate category, did Detroit as a city decide to pull together and get that rate back up? I know that's what I would do. When you have a claim to fame like that, I feel like you need to not ruin a good thing.

Still, that doesn't excuse abhorrent verse and clumsy half-rhymes, does it?
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:17 PM   #12
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gangrell View Post
Well...

For one, you're better off posting this somewhere like rapbattles.com, not the family forum of IW

Secondly, if not rapbattles, you should've just sent this to Vaskez, cause I know he's gonna trip over this thread eventually.

Lastly, if you'd like a critique, here's one.

It's not bad, however, it isn't great either. Work on the lines a bit and try to form more intricate rhymes, because some of them are fairly basic. Plus the flow of verses 3 and 4 could use some work.

My only real deal with the piece is that it's been said and done before DA. Nothing against your style or use of language or anything, but the drugs/cars/ho's aspect of rap has been so overdone, it really doesn't do much for me.
Haha yeah, I just saw this thread.

Drowarchmage, I agree with Gangrell's critique, in that 1) the rhyme scheme is too basic, all your rhymes are 1 or 2 syllables and words that are easy to rhyme with each other. Plus the topic is old and worn. Then again, if you spit it in a new way with a new beat, it might still sound good. But on paper you havent done anything new, no new rhymes or metaphors or similes or wordplay or content. So yeah, I'm not overly impressed, sorry mate
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:25 PM   #13
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

here's a verse from chino xl to show you what can be done with words

read it out loud to see how he uses words and phrases that mean completely different things but sound the same

I'm in a game full of morons, and they keep putting more on
I tutor the Torah, I'm in the core of the Qu'aran
The mind's what I represent, and emcees better re-present
I'm taking this rappin' bulls*t to the fullest extent
I have reservations why Indians are on reservations
Told the board of education I was bored of education
As far as this go, I leave you deader than disco
Rocking sex and violence over sax and violins
Through your minds camera lens, you're in need of an ambulance
I'll knock you to the asphalt, it's your own ass fault
Your last thought, I'll never sell my self short to be famous
And taking it up the anus just ain't us
The world could get the penis of this classicly trained pianist
My P.O. was P.O.'d, handed a cup, told me to "pee in this"
The linguist musician, my college position is my intuition
Told me that I wouldn't be affordin' tuition
My education's all on my own
So I might've been born yesterday, but I rhyme like there's no tomorrow
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But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:45 PM   #14
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

in fact the song that most generally resembles the style of your first one that I can think of , with such short lines and simple rhymes is The Game and 50 cent - how we do, check out the lyrics online, that song turned out aight, even though 50 aint known for being a good lyricist.
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But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:54 PM   #15
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

oh you got me going now, lol, found this piece that I liked by a guy called Baron Mynd, yeah just so you know why my standards are high and why stuff like you wrote, especially written in this day and age, doesnt really cut it

Do you remember YOUR first time?

You were probably as nervous as me,
But determined to see, what your words could achieve ..
.. Once you’d emerged on the scene,
And could turn a serene, canvas into something worthy of dreams.
Graffiti served as the means,
To which I applied my stirgent belief ..
.. And I pursued the matter ‘til my shoes were splattered -
With more paint than ANY amount of detergent could bleach!
For years I’d nurtured a deep yearn for release ..
.. And so these turbulent streets,
Spurred me to keep, trying and further my reach.
With earnest I seized upon a resplendent urge to be seen,
Skirting the reams of this fervent retreat -
Where me and the walls coarse naked surface would meet!
It's massive girth would intrigue me to turn up my sleeves ..
.. And stir from beneath,
The girders that keep it supported from the scourge of the heat.
These walls deserved to be teemed with a certain prestige,
And so I sternly besieged, it's heights...
...With a piece of chalk held firm in my teeth.
Concerned with its each and every line being perfectly pieced ..
.. I furnished its featureless plains,
Until my work was complete.

And for years I’d nurture a deep yearn for release ..
.. Skirting the reams of this fervent retreat,
With an urge to be seen.
These walls deserved to be teemed with a certain prestige ..
.. And I was determined to see, just how my work was perceived.
But gone are the perfectly pieced, works that served as my dreams -
And my memoirs became lost in the rain,
That washed them away…
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Too set in his ways to ever relate
If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay
But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray
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Old 02-22-2008, 10:13 PM   #16
Gangrell
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaskez View Post
oh you got me going now, lol, found this piece that I liked by a guy called Baron Mynd, yeah just so you know why my standards are high and why stuff like you wrote, especially written in this day and age, doesnt really cut it

Do you remember YOUR first time?

You were probably as nervous as me,
But determined to see, what your words could achieve ..
.. Once you’d emerged on the scene,
And could turn a serene, canvas into something worthy of dreams.
Graffiti served as the means,
To which I applied my stirgent belief ..
.. And I pursued the matter ‘til my shoes were splattered -
With more paint than ANY amount of detergent could bleach!
For years I’d nurtured a deep yearn for release ..
.. And so these turbulent streets,
Spurred me to keep, trying and further my reach.
With earnest I seized upon a resplendent urge to be seen,
Skirting the reams of this fervent retreat -
Where me and the walls coarse naked surface would meet!
It's massive girth would intrigue me to turn up my sleeves ..
.. And stir from beneath,
The girders that keep it supported from the scourge of the heat.
These walls deserved to be teemed with a certain prestige,
And so I sternly besieged, it's heights...
...With a piece of chalk held firm in my teeth.
Concerned with its each and every line being perfectly pieced ..
.. I furnished its featureless plains,
Until my work was complete.

And for years I’d nurture a deep yearn for release ..
.. Skirting the reams of this fervent retreat,
With an urge to be seen.
These walls deserved to be teemed with a certain prestige ..
.. And I was determined to see, just how my work was perceived.
But gone are the perfectly pieced, works that served as my dreams -
And my memoirs became lost in the rain,
That washed them away…
You post that here and then make a separate thread for it? You playa's of the game got no shame
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Old 02-22-2008, 10:50 PM   #17
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

I posted it here then realised it deserved its own thread and couldnt be arsed to delete it here. So what, no opinion on the posted verses? It aint mine so it's not like I'm tryina get props, I'm just sharin the love of the art
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But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:11 PM   #18
Gangrell
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Age: 31
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

You got your props when you first introduced IW to this sort of thing Vask I won't lie though, most of the stuff you post is a lot better than most of what I hear.

Always nice when it talks more than just ho's and poppin' caps or bottles tops, you know?

Last edited by Gangrell; 02-22-2008 at 11:20 PM.
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:27 PM   #19
Vaskez
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

heh,

one of my favourite verses of 07:

Freedom's a road that's seldom traveled, watch hell unravel
Right before the eyes of the soldier who fell in battle
The single mother who raised her daughter to bear the sacred water
And not take the hand of every man who make a offer
To black kids wishin they white kids, when they close they eyelids
Like, "I bet they neighborhood ain't like this"
White kids wishin they black kids, and wanna talk like rappers
It's all backwards it's identity crisis
The industry inside us is vipers with fangs trying to bite us
Drug suppliers is the health care providers
We cakin, makin narcotics outta household products
We ain't workin out 'til we exorcise the demons that's inside us
Plus they seem to just provide us with enough rope to hang ourselves
Enough dope to slang ourselves, enough toast to bang ourselves
It's officially n*a season, these n*az is bleedin
That's why I'm spittin freedom we had enough of trigger squeezin

you heard it? (last verse)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOqf6wxLcnU
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Too set in his ways to ever relate
If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay
But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave
Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray
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Old 02-23-2008, 12:20 AM   #20
Gangrell
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Default Re: Check This Out- PG13 rated.

Definitely provocative, but no, I don't normally listen to him. I actually tried it awhile ago, right before I dropped off the net. Watched the guys in LLL, but I just stuck to poetic scriptures.

When I've got more time, I'll dig up one of the better ones that I wrote. My gmail's being lazy, so it's going to take a little bit before I get my old password back so I can actually find that piece.
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