Jokes from the Archive of Multitudes

[Charean]

Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But
unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for
her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she
had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its
stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and
just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day
didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel
and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No
problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on
the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that
she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that
won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War
II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could
watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the
afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's
wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she
would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of
it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again
Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always
recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott
said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

[Charean]

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

[Charean]

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. A cat matures as it grows older.
2. Back hair on cats is cute.
3. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
4. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
5. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
6. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
7. A cat is loyal.
8. Cats actually think with their heads.
9. "Meow" is never a lie.
10. They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.
11. It's more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.
12. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.
13. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
14. Cats can't show love without meaning it.
15. Cats are always cute.
16. The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water, and a clean litter box.

[250]

LOL LOL LOL, my god, SOOOOOOOOOO DAMN FUNNY!!!!!!

thx, Charean, I enjoyed them all!!!

------------------
Aristotle: "If you give me a Deux-cent-cinquante, I can move the earth!!!!!!" [b] evil laugh[/b

Julius Caser when drinking with his buddy Deux-cent-cinquante:" Me watch, me come... ME CONKER!!!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"


ALL YOUR BAZI ARE BELONG TU USH!!!!



O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.

[Charean]

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

[Charean]

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building
you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak
with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the
television on.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace
-------------------------------------------------------------

[Charean]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. JUST ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know
the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CABINET for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHTBULBS CAME IN!

WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE TRASH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
AND SHIT THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS!......

I'm sorry, what did you ask me?

[Charean]

The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."

******************

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

******************

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

******************

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

[Charean]

PREGNANCY Q & A


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[Charean]

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE
PRINTED IN "FORTUNE" MAGAZINE

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3 "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR
O.E.R.s(OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
19. One neuron short of a synapse.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

And last, but not least...

22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.